connected

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A not for profit network of self-help websites.

remembering september eleventh

forever & always

Your dictionary definition of:

con·nect

v. con·nect·ed, con·nect·ing, con·nects
v. tr.

To join or fasten together.
To associate or consider as related: no reason to connect the two events. See Synonyms at join.
To join to or by means of a communications circuit: Please connect me to the number in San Diego. Her computer is connected to the Internet.
To plug in (an electrical cord or device) to an outlet.

v. intr.

To become joined or united: two streams connecting to form a river.
To be scheduled so as to provide continuing service, as between airplanes or buses.
To establish a rapport or relationship; relate: The candidate failed to connect with the voters.
Sports. To hit or play a ball successfully: The batter connected for a home run.

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nuture 101

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maintaining the importance of connecting w/others

Mind/Body Connection: How Your Emotions Affect Your Health

What is good emotional health?

People with good emotional health are aware of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. They have learned healthy ways to cope with the stress and problems that are a normal part of life. They feel good about themselves and have healthy relationships.

However, many things that happen in your life can disrupt your emotional health and lead to strong feelings of sadness, stress or anxiety. These things include:

Being laid off from your job
Having a child leave or return home
Dealing with the death of a loved one
Getting divorced or married
Suffering an illness or an injury
Getting a job promotion
Experiencing money problems
Moving to a new home
Having a baby.

“Good” changes can be just as stressful as “bad” changes.

How can my emotions affect my health?

Your body responds to the way you think, feel and act. This is often called the “mind/body connection.” When you are stressed, anxious or upset, your body tries to tell you that something isn’t right. For example, high blood pressure or a stomach ulcer might develop after a particularly stressful event, such as the death of a loved one. The following can be physical signs that your emotional health is out of balance:

Back pain
Change in appetite
Chest pain
Constipation or diarrhea
Dry mouth
Extreme tiredness
General aches and pains
Headaches
High blood pressure
Insomnia (trouble sleeping)
Lightheadedness
Palpitations (the feeling that your heart is racing)
Sexual problems
Shortness of breath
Stiff neck
Sweating
Upset stomach
Weight gain or loss

Poor emotional health can weaken your body's immune system, making you more likely to get colds and other infections during emotionally difficult times. Also, when you are feeling stressed, anxious or upset, you may not take care of your health as well as you should. You may not feel like exercising, eating nutritious foods or taking medicine that your doctor prescribes. Abuse of alcohol, tobacco or other drugs may also be a sign of poor emotional health.

Why does my doctor need to know about my emotions?

You may not be used to talking to your doctor about your feelings or problems in your personal life. But remember, he or she can’t always tell that you’re feeling stressed, anxious or upset just by looking at you. It’s important to be honest with your doctor if you are having these feelings.

First, he or she will need to make sure that other health problems aren’t causing your physical symptoms. If your symptoms aren’t caused by other health problems, you and your doctor can address the emotional causes of your symptoms. Your doctor may suggest ways to treat your physical symptoms while you work together to improve your emotional health.

If your negative feelings don’t go away and are so strong that they keep you from enjoying life, it’s especially important for you to talk to your doctor. You may have what doctors call “major depression.” Depression is a medical illness that can be treated with individualized counseling, medicine or with both.

How can I improve my emotional health?

First, try to recognize your emotions and understand why you are having them. Sorting out the causes of sadness, stress and anxiety in your life can help you manage your emotional health. The following are some other helpful tips.

Express your feelings in appropriate ways. If feelings of stress, sadness or anxiety are causing physical problems, keeping these feelings inside can make you feel worse. It’s OK to let your loved ones know when something is bothering you. However, keep in mind that your family and friends may not be able to help you deal with your feelings appropriately. At these times, ask someone outside the situation--such as your family doctor, a counselor or a religious advisor--for advice and support to help you improve your emotional health.

Live a balanced life. Try not to obsess about the problems at work, school or home that lead to negative feelings. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy when you feel stressed, anxious or upset. It’s important to deal with these negative feelings, but try to focus on the positive things in your life too. You may want to use a journal to keep track of things that make you feel happy or peaceful. Some research has shown that having a positive outlook can improve your quality of life and give your health a boost. You may also need to find ways to let go of some things in your life that make you feel stressed and overwhelmed. Make time for things you enjoy.

Develop resilience. People with resilience are able to cope with stress in a healthy way. Resilience can be learned and strengthened with different strategies. These include having social support, keeping a positive view of yourself, accepting change, and keeping things in perspective.

Calm your mind and body. Relaxation methods, such as meditation, are useful ways to bring your emotions into balance. Meditation is a form of guided thought. It can take many forms. For example, you may do it by exercising, stretching or breathing deeply. Ask your family doctor for advice about relaxation methods.

Take care of yourself. To have good emotional health, it’s important to take care of your body by having a regular routine for eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep and exercising to relieve pent-up tension. Avoid overeating and don’t abuse drugs or alcohol. Using drugs or alcohol just causes other problems, such as family and health problems.

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'They may be happy you’re back but also feel angry or betrayed that you were gone for so long.'

Meri Wallace

child & family therapist

Reconnecting with a child

Advice for a soldier returning from Iraq.

By Victoria Clayton/Contributor / MSNBC / Updated: 7:08 a.m. ET June 7, 2004

What's the best way for a parent who's been away for weeks or months to bond with a young child?

Question: I'm in the military & have spent more than a year in Iraq. Soon I'll be returning to my 19 month-old daughter & I'm wondering what I should do to help the 2 of us bond again?

Answer: Believe it or not, when parents reunite with their children after a prolonged absence, be it a tour of duty in Iraq or even a prolonged business trip or hospital stay, it’s more about what they don’t do rather than what they do, says Dr. Karen J. Miller, a developmental-behavioral specialist at the Ctr. for Children with Special Needs at Tufts New England Med. Ctr. in Boston.

The No.1 thing you don’t want to do is have high expectations for a Hallmark - worthy reunion. “Especially with a really young child, the parent who is returning has to remember that he or she isn’t a familiar person,” says Miller.

At 19 months, your daughter is probably in the developmental stage where she is very shy with strangers. And, thru no fault of your own, you’re essentially a stranger to her right now.

There's good news, though. Young children live almost solely in the here & now. They're really only familiar with the few key family members or caregivers they see consistently.

So once your daughter sees you again on a regular basis, you'll also rather quickly join the ranks of her familiar touchstones.

To help facilitate this, don’t overwhelm her, advises Miller. “Let her explore & acquaint at her own pace & adjust gradually,” she says. Your job is simply to be warm, friendly & present.

Become part of their everyday life
For children of any age, instead of trying to plan spectacular outings or big family events to make up for lost time, it’s more important to become a part of their everyday life again.

This will help everyone reconnect. Ask your spouse which tasks you might take over when you’re back, such as feeding the baby breakfast, giving baths or driving the older children to school.

The key is to take over some everyday events but to do it in a way that respects the routine established by the stay-at-home parent. So if your spouse has been giving baths at 7 p.m. for the past year & always does it a certain way, do the same.

Children thrive on routine. Your family will do much better if their routine doesn’t change all that much when you’re back.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t carve out special time for your children, though. You should. In fact, returning parents who have several children should make it a priority to have one-on-one time with each child, says Meri Wallace, a child & family therapist in Brooklyn Heights, N.Y.

But you might find that you reconnect with your child best when you do little things like bring him or her along to the hardware store.

Wallace also notes that returning parents should be aware that older children will likely have mixed emotions. “They may be happy you’re back but also feel angry or betrayed that you were gone for so long,” she says.

Be patient & tell them you realize they may be angry. Underneath the anger, of course, is sadness & yearning. “Self protection gets involved,” says Wallace.

“They may resist accepting you because they’re scared you might leave again.”

Try to put their worries to rest, if possible. If you know you won’t be going away soon, make sure they know this & also know that you, too, were sad without them.

Lastly, don’t forget to reconnect with your spouse. "Get a baby-sitter & plan to go out together alone," says Miller. "The family is a unit & the health of the family unit hinges on the parents’ relationship.”

dividing the truths about being connected

Making Peace with Children: Helping Them Find Their Connection
Sharon Goodman

Thru my diary of school stories, I offer you my victories, my humiliating mistakes & the rewards of my mistakes. In no way do I have the ultimate correct way. We're simply traveling, investigating, pioneering the path of the heart.

Brandt's Story

A new student, Brandt, was an angry 5 year-old. He often acted out with much aggression & it was a challenge to know how to handle his tantrums. He was so strong about what he wanted.

The water table was his favorite place to be. But one day when he eagerly approached it, he saw that little Simon was using the very thing he wanted. He wanted it & he wanted it immediately. He didn't know how to wait. He didn't know how to ask. He just began to yell.

When he got no response, he hit Simon over the head. Fortunately, Simon was more shocked than hurt. But this situation couldn't be ignored.

I began to talk to Brandt about his "mistake;" but he hated hearing about having to do things differently. He was enraged & refused to listen. Very quickly he became violent. He acted as if no one had ever confronted him before.

I took him to another room & calmly, bur firmly, explained the situation to him. "You must stay in here for now;" I said. "But we would love to have you join us again when you're in control of yourself." I left.

His screaming continued for at least 20 minutes. I basically ignored him, but every now & then I walked thru the room. For my benefit, his screams only became wilder.

I went back to the classroom & apologized to the other children. "I'm sorry it's so noisy in here, but he's just having a tantrum. I hope he'll get over it soon so we can all be together again. When he comes back, please be sure to let him know you're glad he's back."

Just then Brandt began to yell, "I'm gonna tell my mom! I'm gonna tell my Grandma! I wanna go home-now!"

As the teacher, I momentarily felt fear. "If he tells his mom, what might she think?" I wondered. But I brushed it aside. If I really cared about the future of this kid, I had to go the distance.

So I said, "Brandt, here are the choices. You can calm yourself & join us in the other room, or you can stay in here by yourself having a temper tantrum, which isn't a good choice for a wonderful boy like you."

His screaming stopped momentarily as he took another breath. I seized the moment. "Great; I said. "You stopped." I quickly took him by the hand & brought him to the classroom where everyone was busy with art projects.

The children stopped what they were doing. "Hi, Brandt, glad you're back;' said 3 year-old Joshua. Brandt folded his arms stubbornly as if to say, "I'm here, but I'm not going to play.'

I approached him, but it was obvious he was going to object. Then, 4 year-old Clairin came to the rescue. She said, "Brandt, the teacher is only trying to help you grow:" That's what I tell them a lot.

"Yeah:' said 3 year-old Korie. "We want you to play with us:"

With hands still crossed, Brandt announced, "I'm just going to stand here. I'm not going to play."

"That's fine, Brandt," I said. "That's your choice. You may just stand there if you want to. I'm just sorry you'll miss the fun:" I walked away & busied myself with other children.

Then Simon at the water table invited him over. "Do you want one of the animals for the water table?" I pretended not to notice. Brandt looked around the room & noticed the others were going about their business.

"Okay, I decided to play; he said softly.

Comment: The other children were clear about the standard which they'd been taught; therefore, their hearts could be open toward him. They could operate freely with their original mind showing. Compassionate understanding & forgiveness, the heart of "wanting to be together" won.

Belonging was regained.

Kristin's Story

Kristin was an artistic 4 year-old child. She worked, quiet & absorbed, usually choosing the art room during her free times. Her good friend was Clairin, different in personality. Clairin loved to perform, sing & dance. Most often you would find her in the music area.

Then one day a terrible outbreak occurred. I heard crying - wailing - from the 2 girls. Clairin was holding her head saying Kristin had hit her over the head. I saw Kristin hiding in a corner sobbing.

It would be easy at this point to simply call Kristin the offender, make judgment & call a time out. Instead, I saw this as a "broken" moment in their relationship. Both girls were victims, both girls' hearts were suffering.

So both were called. Kristin came from her "hiding corner" very angry. Clairin, still in tears, couldn't understand why she'd been hit.

I'd remembered seeing Kristin working on a very ornate paper necklace for most of her time in the art room. I noticed it was ripped apart & on the floor. I learned that Kristin came to the music room to show Clairin her new necklace.

Clairin, involved in her whirling & twirling, caught her hand in it & ripped it from Kristin's neck. Kristin, not knowing what else to do, hit Clairin over the head. Both were miserable.

I called them together & explained that both their hearts were hurting now. I explained what had happened. (Sometimes you can ask the child to explain to the other child what happened that they didn't like. In this circumstance, I was the spokesman for both because they were both so upset.)

I helped Clairin understand the heart of Kristin who had worked so hard all morning to make her necklace & how in one second it had been broken. I helped Kristin to understand that she hurt her friend's head by hitting because she didn't know what else to do but even more so, she hurt her friend's heart.

Their little original minds took over & they hugged each other-their heart connection regained. I asked them how the necklace could be repaired. Together they ran for the tape. As we were taping it I explained that their friendship is even more valuable than the beautiful paper necklace.

At the end of the day I noticed that Clairin wore a very beautiful taped necklace home. Kristin had given it to her.

Christine's Story

It was Christine's first day of school. I had observed her before to be a bright, strong-willed, 4 year-old girl. As she entered the school door, I prepared to give our customary handshake greeting.

"Good morning, Christine. We've been waiting to see you. Come on in!" But she looked at me unconvinced, withdrew her hand & threw it behind her back.

Several thoughts flooded my brain.

1. She's shy so I'd better not push it until she knows me better.

2. I came on too strong; I'll back off.

3. She's stubborn & wants things on her terms. Judging by the look on her face (jaw set like a muppet character!) I chose the third.

So I took the risk. "Christine," I said, very slowly reaching around her back to take her hand, "I know that you're a very friendly person, but if you pull your hand behind your back like that, it would be an unfriendly thing to do. So, good morning, friend;" as I held her hand gently between my two hands. Christine remained skeptical. Her face didn't change (still a straight-mouthed muppet face), but she walked slowly into the school room thinking about what just happened to her.

I knew that there would be another confrontation sometime down the road.

To my surprise it came only minutes later as the group gathered for a music lesson. The 2, 3, & 4 year-olds all knew the standard preparations for the teacher's arrival. They were to sit in the circle, cross their legs Indian style so as not to disturb anyone & be quiet.

Christine came to the circle but wasn't about to conform to any rules just yet. She sat down but stuck her feet out as far as they could point. The students were compassionate & kind.

"Christine, here's how you're supposed to cross your legs for the lesson."

Christine remained the same, not about to change, feet still sticking out as straight as a rod. Meanwhile all the children become more eager to show her how to do it & I pretended not to notice. I arrived from around the corner quickly.

"Okay, everybody, let's begin. But, " (pretending to see Christine's legs for the first time) "Uh oh, Christine. Maybe you didn't know but when you prepare for the teacher, always cross your legs. That way, your legs won't disturb anyone around you & you can concentrate better:"

I thought if I tried first w/the situation in a light, easy way, I could avoid a tug of will. But she was clearly engaged for battle mouth & all & refused to change. If I chose to ignore this now, I would've a problem.

Ten little eyes were watching carefully as to what I was going to do about this. If I did nothing, I'd disappoint them. I'd also be in big trouble, because what I say had no meaning & all the other rules become fair game. So, I had got to do something.

I slowly took both her hands again. (That had worked before & had just the right drama for effect. So I tried it again) I led Christine just far enough around the corner to be unseen. Everyone was absolutely silent, wondering what was about to happen.

I sat down eye level to Christine & held both her hands in mine. "Christine, I'm going to tell you something really important. Your body & face are saying no to me & I don't want you to say no to me, as your teacher & I also don't want you saying no to your mom & dad.

And now I'm going to tell you why. We love you & are trying to help you grow. And when you say no, you're saying no to growing & that would be very sad. We love you too much for you not to grow up into a beautiful person.

Now, Christine, I'm going to stay here for a few minutes & I want you to go out to the circle, sit down & do the right thing:" She left & after a short pause, I went out to see what she chose to do.

(I'm already thinking what might be a good natural consequence if she chooses to say no.) But I arrived to find her legs neatly crossed. To my bigger surprise, she has a big smile on her face! No words need be exchanged. The lesson promptly begins. Everyone is happy.

But the best part came later when her mother called that night to tell me that Christine had decided what she wanted to be when she grows up - a teacher!

Not all scenarios work out so swiftly or completely. Throughout this particular day I felt I was taking a risk. Perhaps I could have read the situation wrong. I'm always looking for clues from within the child that tell me if I'm right or wrong.

But I work on 3 premises:

1. God is my partner & will help me.

2. If I make a mistake but have the right heart, I can always apologize to the child.

3. If I can convince the child that I live to help them grow-that even rules are to help them grow-then I'm met with little resistance as they become self-motivated to do the right thing.

These 3 elements are constant guidelines for both parents & teachers. They can take us all gladly along the path of mutual heart growth with our children.

Connecting with Parents: “But He Doesn’t Do That at Home!”

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Linda bites her classmates. Nate’s rude talk upsets everybody. But the parents seem stunned when you tell them you would like to find ways to help their child get along better at school.

“That doesn’t sound like our child!” they exclaim. “We’ve never seen that behavior!” If this sounds familiar, here are some suggestions that may help when parents say, “He doesn’t do that at home!”

Trust what the parent says. Maybe the child only acts that way at school!

Keep in mind that a child new to a group setting is dealing with the stress of unfamiliar people, places, and schedules.
Remember that even children familiar with your program may still be working out how to interact with people outside their families.
Accept that the parents are puzzled. Ask them to help you figure out possible causes for the challenging behaviors.

Observe the child carefully, and keep a written record of what you see.

Be specific: Exactly what does Nate do? What does he say? Note when and with whom incidents occur and what else is going on in the room at the time.
Share this record with the child’s parents. Ask for their perspectives on it.
Be sure to focus on positive behavior as well as difficulties!

Invite the parents to observe the child in the classroom.

Give them chances to see the behavior that is causing concern. Then ask what they think about it.
If visits are not possible, ask parents’ permission to videotape parts of the child’s day so they can see him or her in action.
Keep in mind that parents are more likely to be helpful when they see that the child’s behavior gets in the way of friendships or learning experiences.

Stay in touch with the family.
Let parents know that you value their views of their child. Show that you welcome their input in helping the child adapt to school. Avoid the impression that you think the child is “hopeless.”
Make a plan with the parents for dealing with the challenging behavior. Ask for their suggestions again. Let them know what your goals are:

“We want Linda to know that she can show feelings without biting. When the biting stops, other children won’t run away when she tries to play with them.”

Let them know that you will keep them posted on the child’s progress. Find out if they prefer a phone call, a note, or an email message. Then be sure to follow through.
Keep in mind how uncomfortable parents might be about the child’s behavior. Make sure they know you don’t blame them for what the child does.

(Portions of this Tip Sheet were adapted from an IEL Web Talk with Karen Stephens, available at http://illinoisearlylearning.org/chat/stephens/trans.htm.)

Connecting With Your Teen

You're more likely to be an influence in your teen's life if you work to create a warm, open relationship with him or her. This isn't an overnight process & waiting until the teen-aged years isn't ideal…but it's never too late.

Here are some suggestions you may find helpful:

Work to improve communication in your home. Spend time together as a family-all of you. If your teen resists a conversation about his or her life, try to make the setting relaxed. Instead of "Let's sit & talk about you," try to develop conversation naturally over a shared task (running errands, cleaning the house, making dinner, etc.).
Make your conversation non-threatening. Rather than blurting out, "Don't hang out with that kid," say something such as, "I'll bet you're a good influence on your friend." Ask questions & help your teen problem solve on his or her own. Use praise throughout the process as your teen works thru the decision-making process.
Listen to your teen. Give your teen your full attention. Try not to think about what you're going to say next. When there are problems, make sure you address what's really happening, not what you fear might be going on.

Above all, just be there. In times of personal joy or pain, your teen will need someone who will provide a pat on the back or a shoulder to lean on.

Soul connections transcend time, place, space

Any condition

Sole connections are inverted, bargaining, self-serving relationships that come & go.

Sole to soul connections develop when we act with care. In caring for another, we're feeling their need & acting upon it as we would if the need were our own.

Even when we're not near someone we've shown care for, we still feel love for them. This lovingness, without the need for their physical presence is happening on a deeper level of ourselves - an everlasting soul connection.

Sole to Soul
Exclusive to inclusive
Resulting in consciousness of connection

maintaining order, thus maintaining calm

Creative Ways to Transform Challenges:
Deepening Your Spiritual Connection

A Spiritual Focus for Healing Mind, Body & Spirit
Donald R. Yance Jr., C.N., M.H., A.H.G., w/Arlene Valentine

Commune with your hearts & be silent.... Psalm 4:4, 46:10

This… is written from my heart - a heart that is touched daily by others who are struggling with serious health issues and have come to me for help.

For most people, when an illness such as cancer occurs, its diagnosis has a profoundly negative impact on their emotional well-being. At a moment in time when one needs focus and clarity in order to face the many decisions required to treat an illness, fear and panic are common and usually result in confusion and a deep sense of being lost.

Aside from any herbal or nutritional protocols that I can recommend as a path to wellness, I'm acutely aware of another need that in my opinion is equally important:

the need for comfort and support.

While we can offer comfort and support to one another, it's the nurturing of our inner strength that brings with it the hope of emotional peace so sorely needed at a time of crisis.

For me, this inner strength is faith in God. I honor each person’s individual path to Spirit; there is no “one way only” formula for faith. I hope that by sharing my beliefs with you, I'll inspire you to explore your own deepest feelings about life in general and your own life in particular.

Living Spirituality

I believe that we're first and foremost spirits that exist in physical bodies. To me, spirituality is the pursuit of holiness and that pursuit is an everyday activity of life in communion with God. I believe that a spiritual life is one that is inspired and guided by the spirit of God and leads us to pursue God’s will in our lives.

A spiritual connection with God opens one to the power of love in a very real sense. It's possible to see God’s infinite love in many ways; by opening your heart to someone else and watching a deep relationship unfold; by breathing in the healing aroma of a flower; by marveling at a night sky full of stars.

When infused with a spiritual connection, simple everyday life becomes special; cooking a meal together with someone dear can be as flourishing as the meal itself; loving care for a sick parent or friend who needs help can be healing to both of you.

As I begin to understand death by coming closer to it in others and as I reflect on life in general and my contact with all people, I begin to understand that physical cancer pales in comparison with the terrible cancer that grows in the hearts of so many all over the world.

The violence, hatred and lack of compassion that exists in our world today is a worse type of cancer, one that can truly hurt us, which we must avoid if we can.

Someday we'll all succumb to mortal death and begin a new life. When we open ourselves to the notion that we've come from eternity and will return to eternity, we'll begin to experience a tremendous peace, a peace that shatters the division between life and death.

Before we reach this peaceful place, we need to learn to forgive; it is in our forgiving that we're forgiven. This is fundamental to our spiritual growth. Many Americans have an obsession with death, fearing it greatly.

Our culture over the years has emphasized aggressiveness, competitiveness, aesthetic youthfulness and overfilling the mind with information. Unfortunately, it has neglected the soul, the inner spirit from which true strength originates.

When you see yourself as a soul, an eternal spirit ever growing in the presence of God, you'll be free of fear. This is the point at which you realize that death is a bridge between the now and forever and it can bring you freedom, peace and everlasting joy.

Every day is a preparation for death, or better put, a transition into eternal life. Death is going back home, in a sense. This realization truly helps, because what the dying go through today, I'll go thru tomorrow. Death isn't an end, but a beginning. It's a continuation of life.

To begin the pursuit of holiness and a spiritual life you must first be “poor in spirit” and recognize that all a spirit needs is the grace of God. It'll set you free and enable you to be healed.

This kind of healing goes deeper than the physical; this is the healing of the soul and spirit and the soul is eternal. Every religion speaks of eternity, another life.

People who fear death believe this life on earth is all there is; when we die it’s the end. If you have witnessed the love of God you will not die in fear. We need to make peace with God daily. People die suddenly all the time, so it could happen to any one of us at any moment. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't yet come; we must live each day as if it were our last.

Prayer in Daily Life

I personally believe that true healing must begin with God and prayer. When you have the emotional peace that comes with prayer, fear is lifted and nothing, not even cancer, can truly hurt you. In my opinion, this tops the list of factors involved in the healing process.

Data is accumulating that supports the theory that prayer makes a difference and can actually aid in physical healing. Studies have already shown that strong religious belief is associated with lower levels of blood pressure.’

More and more research is under way that supports the mind-body-spirit concept of healing as well as the idea that prayer has a powerful healing effect on those who're prayed for as well as on those who pray themselves.

One provocative study undertaken in the coronary care unit of San Francisco General Hospital showed a dramatic difference in the recovery process between two groups of patients.

One group was prayed for regularly by committed church members. The other group didn't receive prayers from this source. All patients knew of the study itself but didn't know whether or not they were being prayed for; the findings showed that the patients in the unprayed - for control group were twice as likely to suffer complications than were the patients in the prayed-for group.²

Of course, spiritual communities have always been aware of this connection. A common practice in many monasteries is to sound bells when a member of the community is sick. Other members are reminded of their brother’s need and the ailing monk feels a deep connection to the power of his community’s prayers - not to mention the healing sound of the bells themselves.

To bring prayer into your daily life, begin each day by becoming still and lifting your heart to God, praying that all the cobwebs of fear, selfishness, greed and narrow-heartedness may be cleared from your soul; that the light of the Spirit might descend to give you courage to begin again.

Make every effort to keep the presence of God in your daily life, to see God in everyone you meet & to live your morning meditation throughout the day.

God speaks to us in silence, for those who know how to listen. It's with in this silence that faith is built. For me, silent communication with God forms the person, the spirit, that is truly who we are. This is also the place where plants reveal their deep connection to us; a place where scientific & abstract knowledge of plants & medicine is replaced with personal communion with life.

At first, the silence may not feel comfortable, but if you give it a chance it'll become familiar & at some point you'll welcome it more & more often; then there will be a time when it comes to stay. At that time grace will overcome you & you'll be fearless & filled with peace & love.

This is where you'll go to pray. Praying involves going to meet God; it means to be interactive & to listen. One needs to be still & silent, to listen & hear God speaking. Prayer is having a conversation with God who is all love, non-judgmental, compassionate & always listening.

Prayer must be in solitude, where the mind & heart unite within the soul; the mind shouldn't wander or roam among the things & affairs of the world. It must stay within, in the heart & soul, "the poustinia."

The Poustinia

The poustinia is a place (really a state of mind, body & spirit) where we go to be intimate with God. Literally, poustinia means “to go to the desert,” & a poustinik is one who's living in a poustinia. The poustinik is an eternal pilgrim exploring the vast spaces of God. This journey is exquisitely beautiful & deeply satisfying to the soul.

Within this journey one becomes poor in spirit & begins to realize “the need to have becomes the need not to have.” This is when one begins to understand that all we really need is God. This is no easy journey & requires the ability to let go, to detach & to trust.

As we grow spiritually, it's important to remember that our spirit resides in our physical body. Thus, the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit & we have a responsibility to it. We need to feed it, clothe it, provide rest for it & take proper care of it with all the resources available to us.

We need to love ourselves & all of creation, the animals, the trees, the plants & all others, in the way that God loves everything.

Many people live out their entire lives eating right, exercising, being successful in the world, but never coming close to developing a poustinia. Yet others I have known are just the opposite; they pay no attention to the physical body but strive to be poustiniks in their daily lives.

At one time in my life, I put all my energies into trying to be a poustinik, a modern-day St. Francis. I cared little about anything of the world. I owned practically nothing, lived trusting in God & caring for others. There is a Franciscan saying that goes like this:

The more you own, the more it owns you.

I believe this is true. At the monastery where I lived, we had a retreat center I helped to run. I cooked, cleaned, made beds & prayed 3 times a day. I was fed & given a room for sleeping. I didn't make any money, yet my life was full of freedom & joy.

After 2 years I left the monastery to help run a soup kitchen & shelter for the homeless. Two years later, I was ready to return to the field of herbal medicine & nutrition w/a whole new light & dedication.

Today, I have a successful clinic, a loving & supportive wife, a child & a vision to create a healing retreat center. My busy life with its added responsibilities has made it more challenging to continue to be a poustinik, but my vision has come from listening to my inner self.

I still ask myself these questions daily:

Where do I come from?
Where am I going?
Am I trusting in God?
Am I allowing my spirit to emerge & become who I am?

If love is the image of God, how well am I loving?

Lifting Fear & "Worriment of Mind"

Incorporating prayer & a sense of spirituality into daily life is one of the best ways to ease mental stress, an essential part of healing. Worries & anxieties have been shown to be a contributory cause of cancer.

In 1889, Eli Jones wrote in Cancer, Its Causes and Symptoms that “Worrying weakens the nervous system, lowers the nerve power & thus opens the way for the invasion of cancer.” Jones believed the number-one cause of cancer is “worriment of mind.”

Today, over a hundred years later, clinical studies that link depression with cancer are beginning to be published.’

Dismiss all anxiety from your minds. Present your needs to God in every form of prayer & in petitions full of gratitude. Then God’s own peace, which is beyond all understanding, will stand guard over your hearts & minds.

Letter of Paul to the Philippians 4:6 -7

A positive mental attitude is essential for true healing to occur; in fact, some regard toxic emotions as a major cause of cancer. A long-term emotional state of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, depression & even anger can all contribute to an impaired immune system & susceptibility to cancer.

I believe fear is one of the primary contributing factors to ill health of any kind. On the other hand, a positive mental attitude can contribute to the healing of cancer. Thru guided imagery & other psychological techniques, recovery can be enhanced. A new branch of medicine called psychoneuroimmunology has documented this.

Many of the cancer patients I see tend to dwell on their past with anger; i.e., one patient with lung cancer had a hard time getting past his self-inflicted anger at having once been a smoker.

However, what's important is the present, the past must be let go. The past is like a cancelled check & the future is like a promissory note. Leaving the past with all its anger & pessimism behind is an important step in alleviating fear about the future & allowing hope to emerge.

We live in a culture where stress is an integral part of our everyday existence. In order to grow in health, happiness & wisdom, we need to continually create ways to rise above it while discovering & becoming comfortable w/the true meaning of life as well as death.

I've found the Serenity Prayer extremely comforting both for myself & for the patients who often ask me, “What are my chances?” or “Do you think I’m going to make it?”

God, grant me the ability to change the things in my life that I can change, the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change & the wisdom to know the difference.

When a patient is told he has an incurable form of cancer or when all possible forms of therapy have failed, the main focus must be prayer. Clinics in every part of the world claim to have a cure for cancer, from enemas to magnets & everything in between. These claims offer false hope.

What is real is prayer & support by family & friends. We need to believe that God is forgiving & merciful & can offer help, love & peace to troubled souls. To do God’s will involves patience, persistence & surrender.

If one is able to focus on God & not on cancer, guidance & direction will follow. When we pray, we're able to understand & receive grace that inspires the depths of our spirit to allow room for peace & healing. Prayer is to the soul what breathing is to the body.

If the only prayer you say in your whole life is “thank you,” that would suffice.

Meister Eckhart

I've seen people dying of cancer, but only in the physical sense. In the greater, overall view of existence, however, they're living because their spirit & soul have emerged. I've helped a great number of people who have come to me for herbs & nutritional counseling in their last months, weeks & even days.

I've helped people leave their physical existence without debilitating pain medication, yet often without any pain at all, possessed of all their cognitive faculties, at home with their family members & most of all, in peace.

I've gained a deeper sense of inner peace myself by being involved with so many of these people. I have stacks & stacks of letters written to me by people in their final days; these letters don't depress me, they inspire me.

These people have shown me the face of God within their own spirits. They've given me insights into my spiritual life, a sense of my soul, who I am & where I'm going. What I've seen of God in others has brought me to a deeper understanding of God’s spirit.

Even the immense beauty of nature, which is so deep, wonderful & dear to me & has so much to reveal & teach me, could not teach or touch me more profoundly than the contacts I've had with other human spirits.

A Special Message for Healers

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a “preacher,” nor do I try to convert anyone to my personal religious beliefs. I'm merely trying to share God’s love so others may have true joy & peace by learning to pray, thirst for love & experience the healing power of compassion.

This is important not just for those who are ill & seeking to be healed, but for those who are healers. This includes natural healers, such as herbalists, naturopathic physicians, massage therapists & natural-food chefs, as well as conventional doctors, such as oncologists & surgeons.

All healers need to be:

Compassionate. People who are very ill with cancer are afraid & need to be loved & nurtured.

Humble. Nobody has all the answers, particularly when it comes to cancer.

Open to a variety of healing modalities. When people are striving together to bring about a healing of the sick, especially those with cancer, miracles can happen. I can’t tell you how happy it makes a person who is following one of my protocols to report back to me that their oncologist has been supportive rather than critical of my approach to cancer.

Those who choose to work with the sick need to understand that this isn't a profession but a vocation. The sick don't need pity & sympathy; they need love & compassion.

When someone very sick enters my office, the first thing I do is pray in silence. This is private, between me & God & not a process that anyone else is aware of. I feel, however, that it's crucial to what I do.

Modern medicine today has become a big business, an institution - & also, alas, a formula. The responsibility for healing is often in the hands of a faceless medical establishment, not accountable, caring human beings.

Time after time I’ve had cancer patients tell me they’re going to a famous hospital that specializes in treating cancer. Such a hospital may know the latest in treatments for a particular kind of cancer, but what can it offer or teach about healing? What wisdom does it have that can help a person heal?

In traditional healing practices, prayer & medical treatments were applied together to heal the sick. Today, we separate the two. Why the separation?

Why can’t we use prayer with herbal medicine, with nutrition & with conventional treatments to heal the sick? Hopefully, this concept is beginning to gain more credibility & we'll see a change before long.

Listen To Your Heart

After you've decided on a form of treatment & have incorporated prayer into your daily life, I urge you to try to make every effort to be positive & take charge of your life & your treatment in a proactive way.

You may need the help of a therapist or a support group. Commit yourself to living long & well. Seek to understand who you are & why you're here. This will give you a sense of identity as well as peace of mind. Believe that you have a purpose in life & go about seeking that purpose with passion, allowing your heart to guide the way.

Learn to forgive & allow room for laughter & joy in your day. Once you have a sense of purpose, let it be guided by your heart & your spirit & pursue it without fear or doubt.

Most important, spend time in meditation & prayer, help others, build relationships, show compassion & humility, be a peacemaker & offer love. Sharing your love is profoundly healing.

Remember that the mind, spirit & body are inextricably interrelated. The mind affects the brain & the brain affects all physiological systems of the body.

We are spiritual creatures. I believe that this life is but a beginning to another life & death is a transformation into that life. I deeply believe that a good herbalist understands that the clinical practice of herbal medicine requires a balance between science & art.

I myself try to maintain this balance in my practice. As I'm thinking about which remedy or remedies I might suggest & blend for an individual, I look to my spirit for help & discernment. I also add faith into the mix when I explain my personal practice of herbal & nutritional medicine.

I end this…with a wonderful text written by St. John of Kronstadt, a Russian Orthodox priest & teacher who was beloved by the people of Russia for his unwavering faith & compassion for the human struggle to attain spirituality. He died in 1908 & was canonized as a saint in 1964. These words of wisdom are especially helpful for those who need healing.

You're accustomed to look upon your body as upon your own inalienable property, but that is quite wrong, because your body is God’s temple. Afflictions are a great teacher... [they] cleanse the soul.

My brother, bear your illness bravely & don't be despondent, but on the contrary, rejoice if you can in your illness…This sickness of yours may be the opportunity of a lifetime. Listen to God while you're on your back recuperating. Much good can come out of this experience that you might not gain in any other way.

We know that for those who love God all things work together for good. Let there come to you out of this illness a blessing instead of a breakdown. Don't let this sickness get your spirit down. While lying on your bed, look up instead of down. Look into yourself & see how helpless you are without God.

Finally, whatever your choices, as this anonymous saying counsels: Do the best you can & don’t worry about the rest. Angels do no more.

Excerpt from the book, Herbal Medicine, Healing & Cancer: A Comprehensive Program for Prevention and Treatment by Donald R. Yance, Jr., C.N., M.H., A.H.G., with Arlene Valentine (Keats Publishing, a division of NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group, Inc., Lincolnwood, IL). © 1999 Donald R. Yance, Jr. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted by permission of Donald R. Yance, Jr.

Donald R. Yance, Jr., C.N., M.H., A.H.G., is a certified nutritionist and clinical master herbalist who specializes in nutritional and herbal approaches to cancer, AIDS, heart disease, and other chronic health conditions. He has been a contributing writer for a number of books on healing. For more information about the book and Yance’s work, contact Yance at: Centre For Natural Healing, 300 N. Pioneer Street, Ashland, OR 97520, 541-488-3133 or visit his website at www.centrehealing.com.

Male Bonding

Making Connections With Everyone But Baby-to-be

By Kellie Head

I spent the full 9 months of pregnancy bonding with my baby. For her cerebral stimulation, I played Mozart & read aloud from Ralph Waldo Emerson. I regaled her with stories of a family steeped in history (no sense disillusioning her too early).

I named her, nicknamed her & shared girl talk with her. We bonded in every aspect imaginable.

Walt, my husband, used this prenatal time to bond as well. However, his aim was a bit misguided. During my regular Wednesday afternoon OB exams, he bonded w/my doctor. They became fast friends & before I knew it, my Wednesday appointments were changed until Thursday, so they could squeeze in 18 holes of golf together.

Unfortunately, our medical bills didn't reflect their closeness.

While attending our sonogram appointment, Walt met a new playmate – the sonogram technician. He explained the procedure & equipment in highly complex terms. Walt’s eyes brightened in discovering their shared interest in technical gadgetry.

Later, when we shared the pictures with family & friends, Walt beamed with pride as he explained how the ultrasonic frequencies & 220v power resulted in a picture of the, oh yeah, baby.

Imagine Walt’s elation when he bumped into the Lamaze instructor's husband at the local pool team tryouts. I brought my sister to subsequent Lamaze classes as my alternate coach. Walt’s attentions lie in learning to “put a little English” on his pool shot instead of aiding me in the breathing exercises for labor.

Minnesota Fats would be proud.

A race to the hospital, for what turned out to be false labor, presented new friend-finding opportunities for Walt. As I lay strapped down to a contraction monitor, Walt made nice with the doctor on call.

As luck would have it, they belonged to the same fraternity at their college alma mater. Two grown men performing the sacred Water Buffalo handshake for onlookers took center stage to my sporadic & dwindling contractions.

From that point on, whenever I felt the slightest twinge, Walt insisted we run to the hospital “just to be sure.”

When the big day arrived, Walt eagerly shuffled me into the car & sped toward the hospital. We arrived in record time. The labor room came equipped with a TV & premium cable channels. It made no difference to me.

The contractions closed in at 2 minutes apart & I demanded drugs. The anesthesiologist arrived just in time, just in time to add his personal movie review to the Steve Martin flick that had engrossed my husband.

The “Siskel & Ebert” of the delivery floor had completely forgotten about the project at hand – ME! If it hadn’t been for the charge nurse, my baby might have popped out onto the floor. Consequently, it was a drug-free delivery.

I suppose men bond in their own way & with their own kind. Walt is close to our baby girl now that she is here. He religiously takes her to the weekly “Daddy & Me” play group meetings.

I understand they have a pool table there.

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Love, Healing & Your Heart Connection - By Cheryl Smith

'Love makes the world go round. .'& 'All you need is love. .' are lovely phrases & such beautiful words to hear. Most of us are very familiar with these phases that we've heard before many times over.

But what if our own relationships at present aren't so 'perfect'?

Is there any way we can still apply these things to our own daily lives, in any way? What if right now we don't have the genuine & powerful love that we know is possible & that we're seeking?

What if we're in a current relationship, but it isn't fullfilling & doesn't give us the sense of loving communication & real connection that we know, deep inside, is possible?

Well, you must realize that there are things that you certainly can do for yourself, starting today.

'Life is change' so even if your present relationship seems 'stuck' & 'impossible' it's still quite important for you to reach out, find good resources & then explore your options. Especially these days when there's simply a vast world of choices for change & improvement out there in this whole area of love & relationships that are available for you to choose from.

Here are some simple suggestions you may like to consider trying to start with:

1. Books:
Go to the 'metaphysical' of 'self-help' areas in your local bookstore & see what 'resonates' for you. A good place to start for you may be the excellent book: "The Mastery of Love" by Miguel Ruiz. (This author is excellent on the subject of relationships & his other well-known title; "The Four Agreements" was on the best-seller lists for quite awhile).

In it he explores, in a simple & direct manner, the underlying reasons we get involved in a relationship to begin with. He then proceeds to say how we can use our own inner integrity & honesty to improve things immediately to create a 'shift & change' for the better.

This book is very powerful & will speak directly to most on this most important issue regarding improving our communication skills with others & our relationships in general.

2. Self-help Groups:
Often if we find ourselves in a somewhat 'limiting' relationship what we may need the most is to reach out & connect with others. It's truly a very powerful thing in such a circumstance, to be seen & heard.

There are many avenues you can explore to find out about how to contact such groups. These days many are 'on-going' & set up on a 'drop-in' basis, as well. Good ways to find out are bulletin boards, local alternative newspapers, fliers posted at bookstores, etc.

Usually such groups are quite 'low-key' & you can choose, as you're ready, about how much you want to reveal about your own situation, etc. It's very healing for most to meet with others in this way. It can give you a sense of community & also that you aren't in your situation 'alone'.

Also, it's very healing to hear others & yourself 'speak their truth' & share on a regular basis in a group setting such as this.

3. Stress Reduction:
There are many things you can begin to help with this issue. If health is an issue, you can perhaps start an exercise program to lose weight & also adjust your diet to become healthier & happier over time. Along with the health issue another thing you may want to address is a feeling of inner harmony & peace.

Meditation can help with this & is still another way to reduce stress that you can begin to explore. These days there are many groups aimed at those just starting out to learn meditation. Also you can also find many good books & articles on the subject out there (& there are even some good videos for beginners that are available on meditation, as well).

Meditation is a wonderful & really direct way for you to be able to reduce stress in all areas starting now. It can enable you to develop your awareness & to be able to move forward & help you improve all areas of your life for the better.

So, in this article we it our hope that we've perhaps been able to offer some good possibilities for growth & change for you & your life at this time (& for all of your relationships as well).

Wishing you all success as you continue your spiritual journey to create & enjoy genuine loving relationships & your true happiness of heart, mind & spirit.

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4 Steps to Ending Emotional Eating
By Dr. Larina Kase

Okay, I admit it. I’m an emotional eater.

People are often surprised when they hear me say this because I’m so into the psychology of weight loss. But it really isn’t that big of a revelation. The truth is, we’re all emotional eaters. It’s human nature.

I’m not going to try to make you never eat in response to an emotion again. I will, however, help you to keep emotional eating from interfering with your fitness & weight loss goals.

Emotional eating is completely normal but it can become a major problem. When we eat in response to our emotions, we’re more likely to eat too much of the wrong kinds of food. And we’re actually less likely to enjoy the food because we’re so preoccupied by our own emotions.

Here are 4 steps to breaking the habit of emotional eating.

Step #1: Identify the Connection

Before you can change anything, you need to learn what emotions are associated with craving & eating which foods. For instance, you may notice that you're likely to eat potato chips or French fries whenever you're bored or lonely.

The best way to identify your connections is to carefully observe what happens. When you’re stressed out, do you head over to the vending machine for peanut M & Ms? Do you stop to get a super-sized order of fries at your favorite fast food restaurant?

Play detective & track your tendencies. The only way to change a habit is to recognize it!

Step #2: Manage Your Emotions

Once you know what emotions are causing what eating patterns for you, you can work on better managing those emotions.

First, come up with strategies to reduce the emotion itself. If depression makes you head for a pint of ice cream, you can read some self-help books on dealing with depression & begin an exercise program (exercise is known to reduce depression). If your emotions are severe, it’s a good idea to get meet with a therapist to see if counseling can help you.

Second, you can find something else to do (instead of eating) when the emotion occurs. This can also help you reduce the intensity of your emotion.

i.e., if you know that you're prone to making poor food choices whenever you're bored, create a list of strategies to do at the first sign of boredom, such as:

read your favorite magazine
call your sister or a friend
go for a walk
go shopping
lift weights, etc.

Have this list with you at all times.

Step #3: Control Your Environment

Once you know that you inhale chocolate whenever you’re stressed, you can regulate the environment to make it more difficult to do so. If you have a stressful job, don't keep a bag of chocolates in your desk drawer.

This seems obvious but it’s amazing how much we do it anyway. We come up with all kinds of excuses to enable ourselves to have junk food around. If you must have chocolate at work, bring one piece to work with you to control the quantity that you eat.

If you’re eating dinner in the kitchen & it’s easy to keep returning to fridge, change your location. Go into another room & get busy with something else. One of the main reasons that we overeat is because it’s easy to do so. Make it hard to do so - especially when you’re in a mood that leads you to eating.

Step #4: Break the Connections. End the relationship between the emotion & the food by not eating it when you experience the emotion. Each time you crave a brownie when you’re nervous & you DON’T eat a brownie, you weaken the connection & craving. It’ll become easier to ride out the brownie craving without acting on it.

You can also break the connection by eating the opposite type of food. If you associate anxiety with fattening & salty food, instead eat something healthy & sweet, like a piece of fruit.

Often when we’re in a bad mood, we give ourselves “permission” to eat foods that we don’t allow ourselves to eat normally.

A solution is to actually allow yourself to eat some of these off limit foods (but not when you’re in a mood that makes you crave them). When you deprive yourself of your favorite foods, you set yourself up for overeating & you feel miserable & sorry for yourself! When food is enjoyable, healthy & well balanced, you create lasting lifestyle changes.

When you’re in “a mood” it's best to break the connections. But at other times, instead of depriving yourself, eat the “off limit” foods, just do so in small portions, eat these things infrequently, or make your favorite foods healthy by substituting healthier ingredients.

There you have it - a brief overview of the 4 steps to ending emotional eating. Implement these suggestions & you’ll not only lose weight & keep it off, but you’ll feel better too.

Dr. Larina Kase is a psychologist & the president of Strength Weight Loss & Wellness. For more resources on ending emotional eating & a free e-course revealing her proprietary STRENGTH model, go to: http://www.endingemotionaleating.com

In Just 5 Minutes a Day Feel More Self-Confidence, While Connecting To Others
By Susan Quinn

Recent studies have shown that the central factor in feeling self-confident is the ability to connect with others.

There's a painless way I use to improve this skill in my clients & it takes just 5 minutes a day. I also do the peace, poise & confidence exercise (below) daily to connect to my most powerful inner resources.

I give clients the following exercise.

Here's how it works – feel free to try it yourself:

If you want to try this, you commit to yourself that you'll do an experiment where you smile at 5 strangers a day for a week. Be sure to pick people who feel safe at first, meaning that you don't expect a response from them.

Like in all of life, you'll find that some will respond & some won't. But that's not the point at all here. What you're aiming to accomplish here is completely about you & your ability to stretch your connection skills.

After you do this for a while you might start to feel differently, in some small way & wonder how often you used to smile at people, or even start to wonder what your usual expression is with people. If you like, you could ask your friends if you usually smile or frown, or something in between.

An easy way to create a state inside you of peace, poise & confidence from which to smile is to do this simple exercise that takes only 5-10 seconds:

Take a few deep breaths & settle in to your body… Now that you're completely relaxed, see in your mind's eye the face of someone you love. See this person looking back at you with complete love & admiration in their eyes. This person sees you completely & loves you just as you are.

When you dip into this feeling you can smile with complete abandon, just like the sun shines itself out on everything with complete abandon.

RESOURCES

My colleague, Rori Gwynne, is excellent at helping women increase their self-confidence in the area of relationships. What I especially like about her work is that she gives tangible steps using powerful role-playing exercises in her monthly workshops & drop in sessions. This mind-body approach is that same one I use in my therapy & coaching. Contact Rori at www.CoachRori.com for more information or call her at 310-710-5802.

Susan Quinn, MFT Psychotherapy & Life Coaching. Visit my web site at www.susanquinn.net for my complementary Ezine, Susan Quinn's Power Therapies, or call me at 310-600-3458.

source: click here

it's in the news....

Most Americans Unaware of Fat-Cancer Connection : And many underestimate their own weight, experts say

Connecting with Your True Self

Many of us don't recognize the existence of a Self within us. We may believe intellectually that we have a soul or spirit because that's what we've been taught to believe.

What we identify with is our personality, a false Self and the self-image we project that protects the false self.

Because of our past conditioning and upbringing, a separation was created from our True Self. We aren't able to recognize this separation because we've become identified with the feelings, beliefs and personality attributes of our parents and because we've been heavily influenced by cultural values, religious dogma and peer group pressure.

In the process of learning to feel and identify with our True Self, we first recognize that whatever disharmony or conflict we experience with others or the outer world is a reflection of the disharmony and conflict we experience in our relationship with ourselves.

Whatever irritates us about our partner, children, friends or parents is what's irritating us about ourselves.

An important step in reuniting with our True Self consists of experiencing this separation with our True Self and understanding on a feeling level that our wholeness and health depends on coming home to this part of ourselves. The process of communicating and dialoguing with our True Self is an ideal way to begin this journey .

Communication with our True Self happens on a feeling level. It's at this level, rather than on an intellectual level, that we can best cultivate the self-awareness that leads to our truth.

How much time do we spend listening to ourselves and understanding our feelings?

Do we know at a given moment what we're feeling?

Or are we just unconsciously reacting?

In this technique, we engage in a dialogue in which we speak for our True Self, as well as for our false self, back and forth in an open exchange between these 2 aspects.

Ask yourself the following questions, experiencing whatever feelings emerge, whether sadness, despair, longing, compassion, anger or love.

Remember your True Self is posing the question to you. You may also wish to write down your dialogue or continue to ask yourself the question and give your response throughout your day.

How are you feeling right now, Jane (your name)?
Jane, how do you feel about me?
Why don't you want to know me?
Why are you afraid of me?
Why do you want to hurt yourself?
Why don't you believe in me?
Why don't you value me?
Why do you feel not deserving?
Why don't you love me?
Why don't you take care of me?

i.e.,

True Self: Why don't you love me, Jane?

Jane: Because you're worthless. I'm disgusted by you.

True Self: Why?

Jane: You can't do anything right. You fail at everything you do.

True Self: What have you failed and why do you believe you failed?

At some point in such a dialogue, try to hear and feel your True Self say: "Whatever happens, remember I'm here for you. I support you, I protect you and I love you. I accept you as you are."

The feeling of connecting with your Self will deepen if you continue to dialogue. The deeper you can feel this connection and in the process become increasingly aware of the disconnection that has existed, the more you can extricate ourselves from your self-hatred and other conflicts.

In feeling what you've been doing to yourself, you can connect more deeply with yourself, understand yourself and consequently pave the way toward forgiveness, compassion and self-acceptance.

Most of us felt our parents weren't sufficiently sensitive to us and didn't fully appreciate our unique being. Consequently, we're not sensitive to and appreciative of our True Self.

In dialoguing in the above fashion, we can become our own wise parent to ourselves. We can transform the impoverished relationship within ourselves by having our True Self speak to us in a nurturing and supportive manner.

The more we dialogue, the more we experience sensitivity for ourselves and compassion for the pain and hurt we've experienced. Increasingly, we understand that our misconceptions, inappropriateness and passivity were predictable outcomes based on our limited understanding at that time.

In other words, it wasn't our fault. Self-forgiveness develops as we understand that our past reactions were the only option we had, based on our conditioning and awareness.

Similarly, forgiveness of others results when we understand how their conditioning and lack of awareness has locked them in a limited behavioral and emotional range.

As we embrace ourselves in this new way, we integrate fully the rejected parts of ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally.

Acknowledging our resistance to "letting go" of old patterns, self-negating attitudes, doubts and fears through the process of inner dialoguing takes us to a whole new way of relating to ourselves. The following is a list of qualities and characteristics that are brought forth as we reclaim our True Self.

We engage life and our relationships with others with joy, humor and an attitude of compassionate detachment.

We adopt a non-judgmental, curious exploration of ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, motives and behaviors, without fear or shame for acknowledging our deepest quirks, flaws and truths.

We accept ourselves completely with compassion and humor with the understanding that failure or "badness" don't exist, only lessons, learnings and insights.

We move beyond personal, parental, social and planetary boundaries, beliefs, norms, roles, rules, approval, group identifications, gender identifications and self-image, into the full expression of our true self, without fear or shame, with an attitude of confidence, contentment, honor, and reverence for who we are.

We reach out without fear or shame to express our love, compassion and joy outwardly, sharing of ourselves spontaneously from our hearts, letting others see and experience the true beauty of who we are.

We realize our ability to create and manifest into form our own original ideas, heart feelings, aspirations and visions.

We express compassionate detachment in our interactions with others, allowing others to work through their own problems and take responsibility for their emotional issues, while exuding a loving concern for their predicament with no investment in the outcome.

We express and manifest the principle of co-creative cooperation in all aspects of our lives, inner as well as outer, working together with ourselves and with others, contributing equally, participating equally, in our own personal as well as planetary evolvement.

We rest in the security, belief, trust and confidence in ourselves; trusting explicitly in a positive and beneficial future, as opposed to emotional dependence on external sources of imagined security and reliance on outside authorities.

We're open to and curious about the nature of other realities; asking questions and seeking answers with a child-like attitude; accepting knowledge and insight into our True Self and its origins with a loving heart and eager mind; having reverence for all life; regarding other life as equal to our own, including animal and plant life forms; seeing equality in our oneness with God and all of creation.

We're willing to explore and manifest our powers and abilities, our limitlessness, our love and compassion, our ability to create and manifest, our intellectual abilities and knowledge and our bliss and joy in service of others.

We pursue our aspirations, visions and life's purpose and aligning ourselves with the guidance of our True Self freely acknowledge the need for assistance and guidance, while co-creatively fulfilling our mission for this life time.

Making an Inner Connection for Decision Making

By Kay Nuyens; MA, CCH

For many years I'd meditate about a decision, receive an answer and say to myself, “I already know that…” and think that I wasn't getting the “right” information. I was one of those people who always made simple things difficult. (Notice I said “was” because I no longer choose to have that pattern!) It was so easy to get answers that I thought I wasn't doing it correctly BECAUSE it seemed easy.

I'm writing this article for those of you who may think you too are just “imagining” answers. Now I realize that our imagination is a powerful tool and actually a great asset when we're working in the spiritual realms.

I've learned to work pretty efficiently with my inner mind over the years and want to share some simple and efficient techniques. I hope that you'll share some of your favorites with me! Originally I created a blackboard, in my mind's eye, as a receiver of information.

Today, a blackboard could probably be updated to a “white board” or even a computer screen! I always take at least 3 long, slow, deep breaths to center myself when I need information. I call in my Higher Healing Resources, my support team. I humbly present my question to my wise mind, that part of me that knows.

I count down from 10-1. Counting down helps to put me in the alpha state, my relaxed state of mind. The ego mind, my “babbler” is out of the picture. When I reach number one, the blackboard just automatically appears and the simple response to my question is written on the board. I love this technique!

When I felt that I was “burned out” from the schools, I meditated one morning asking for a “clear sign” from my Angelic Helpers that I needed to pursue another journey. THAT DAY in the mail, I received a free sample of an Angelic Tarot card. It read Surrender. Who ever heard of receiving a free sample of a tarot card in the mail?! Was that not a clear sign?! Was that not synchronicity?!

I always tell my Higher Healing Resources that I don't want to miss getting the accurate response, so please make it VERY clear to me! We can ask for what we need. I also ask for very clear, explicit dreams giving me answers.

Another fun technique I have to access information is creating a stop light in my mind's eye. Red would stand for stop- don't go there, not the best choice for you at this time. Yellow would mean it's neutral. (I don't always care for that response. I want it “clear-cut!”- one way or the other. ) Of course green would mean - “go for it”. Again I center myself & count down. When I get to one, often times even before, the color is in my mind's eye. That's a simple technique especially for yes/no questions. I invite you to try it!

Sometimes I'm too intense about making a decision & then I block the flow of my imagination. I've found I have to be very playful getting my responses. The source of our imagination is our inner being. I use a technique from the The Power of Focusing by Ann Weiser Cornell. Because I know all of our answers are within us all along, I ask myself the following questions:

If I did know the answer, what do I think it would it be?
If I knew what my response felt like, what would that feeling be in my body?
If I knew what my response looked like, what would that image look like for me?

I listen carefully to the replys that flow into my mind. If I have a choice to be made that will impact my future, I “feel” responses in my body. I check to see if a particular response feels heavy, tight, joyous, free, sad etc.

Then I move into the future to see how this response looks & feels on my future timeline. I'm actually creating a movie starring me. I'm directing the script. Which ending do I prefer as I play out the scene? Then I check with an alternate decision to “feel” & note differences. Thru “feeling” & “seeing” the impact of each particular choice, I have a pretty clear decision for myself. I choose the script that feels most comfortable, serving my highest good & the highest good of all concerned.

Lastly, it's helpful to always sit in the same chair when asking for inner direction. I'd suggest even using the same music until you feel more proficient. The chair & music become conditioned responses, triggers. Your body, mind & spirit know what to do. There's an expectancy established.

As you sit quietly in this relaxed state, the information starts to flow thru you. I usually grab a journal to write my message, otherwise my mind becomes distracted & I lose part of the information coming to me.

The answers are within us. We have the power to access our own inner truth. We need to trust that we can!

“Do you feel emotionally connected with a significant person in your life?”

Whether you were raised in a small or large family or by one or two parents, your family was unique in its makeup & functioning. When you consider all the facets of families & the complex, interconnected relationships within them, you'll realize that no two are alike.

The fact that families are so diverse can add to the challenge of merging individuals from two families into a cohesive couple relationship.

How Close Are You With Your Partner?

Closeness refers to how emotionally connected you feel to another person.

It involves how you balance separateness - your private space - & togetherness - your intimate connection.

It's essential for couples to balance the “I” & “We” by maintaining their own individuality & their closeness.

Having a very low or a very high level of closeness can eventually lead to problems. When a relationship is disconnected, or not close, the individuals tend to focus more on themselves than on each other.

They tend to have too much separateness & to be highly independent. They may feel that they can't count on their relationship to give them support when they need it.

An overly connected relationship that has an extreme amount of closeness isn't ideal. In these relationships, members have too much togetherness, demand loyalty, are too on one another & have little private time or space.

The needs of the relationship often come before the needs of the individuals & it may be difficult for some couple relationships to accept people outside of the family in interpersonal relationships with others.

It's normal for couple relationships to shift back & forth between togetherness & separateness depending on what's happening in the relationship, with each member developing both dependence on the relationship & some independence from it.

How Flexible Is Your Relationship?

Balancing flexibility between too much closeness & independence is important. Flexibility in a couple relationship reflects a capacity to change & adapt when necessary.

For example, a relationship shouldn't always have the same person as the leader but rather the relationship should focus on sharing responsibilities & negotiating rules.

Since change is inevitable, individual relationships must be open to change. At the same time, people want & need stability. Over time, couples must balance , flexibility & stability. Flexibility is vital in times of crisis. In an inflexible relationship, rules rarely change, even to accommodate special situations & normal life changes.

In these relationships, people rarely negotiate, roles are very stable & rules are strictly adhered to. At the other extreme is an overly flexible relationship.

Excessive change is disruptive & leads to feelings of insecurity. When rules & roles frequently change, things don't get done & the lack of order limits the productivity within the relationship.

Try these ideas for improving the balance between separateness & togetherness:

1. If you're not happy with the closeness in your relationship, talk with your partner about how you can achieve a more satisfying balance of separateness & togetherness. Make a list of things you like to do together & a list of things that you like to do by yourself or with other people.

2. If you're not happy with the flexibility of your relationship, discuss with your partner how you can achieve a more satisfying balance of stability & change. Make a list of things that you'd like to remain the same in the relationship & new things that you'd like to try.

Remember that communication is the facilitating factor for negotiating & making changes in the relationship. Be aware that you often repeat patterns of communication learned from your family of origin.

References:

Gottman, J., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press. Gottman, J., Ph.D. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. Simon & Schuster. Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000). Empowering couples. Minnesota: Life Innovations Inc. It is normal for couple relationships to shift back and forthbetween togetherness and separateness depending on what is happening in the relationship.

Building connections thru giggles & tears

As parents & caregivers, we experience the full range of our children's emotions nearly every day & sometimes in ways that can stir up feelings in us, too.

Who doesn't share a child's pride & happiness as he shows mom or dad a new drawing? On the other hand, it's hard not to get annoyed with a child who won't stop howling in the grocery store because you passed right by his favorite cookies.

These emotional moments are the times kids naturally turn to adults & caregivers. The response they receive can have a dramatic effect on the way they learn to deal with feelings.

Whether happy or sad, children's emotions offer parents two very important things: an opportunity to build a deeper & more trusting relationship & a time to teach them how to deal with the wonderful world of human feelings.

Emotional Connections

Start the Bonding Process at Day One

By Lisa A. Goldstein

Gone are the days when new dads were relegated to the waiting rooms, passing out cigars. Now dads are expected to be more involved in the whole parenting process.

And they should. Research shows that empowerment from Dad is a decisive factor in the child's & later adult's self-esteem, competence & self confidence in public life, according to André Stein, psychotherapist & author of the new book, Father's Milk: Nourishment & Wisdom for the First-time Father.

Beginning the Bonding Process

The process of bonding starts when the couple talks about having a child. According to Stein, once the child is conceived, the father must participate in all aspects of the pregnancy.

In addition to supporting the mother, taking care of himself physically to build his stamina & learning how to be a dad, the expectant father can establish himself as an equal participant by talking to, playing music for & caressing the baby in utero.

Stein recommends holding the newborn as soon after delivery as possible. "The first person my two daughters saw was me," says Stein. "I felt at one with them immediately."

Once the baby is born, the dad must be hands on in all aspects of feeling caring. caring feelings. If Mom is nursing & able to express milk into a bottle, Dad should give it.

"This way, the baby will associate both Mom & Dad w/the smell of milk," says Stein. If formula is used, the father should give it once a day & be willing to do unpleasant tasks like diapers & laundry.

Cuddle Time!

Cuddling with the baby is a great way to bond. "Rock the baby against your chest so the baby gets from you the soothing rhythmic motion that he or she got used to in Mom's womb," Stein says.

"Don't begrudge the sleep you lose, as those special nighttime one-on-ones will work for a lifetime of bonding both ways. Your son or daughter already had a chance to get acquainted with Mom during 9 months of uterine life.

Now he or she needs to get to know you & vice versa."

Other ways of bonding include taking the baby for walks & participating in shopping for clothes & toys. Baths can also be special times for father & child.

Stein says it's important to take good care of Mom, as she is the pivotal person. If she feels grateful & loving, he'll be inspired to stay in the bonding process.

Your Time

According to Bridgett Blackburn, a father-child interaction specialist who teaches at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, Wash., the most important thing a dad can do is to spend time with Baby.

Among the activities she suggests are infant massage, taking the little one on errands & talking about them. Listening to music & reading are good, too. "At first your baby just wants to hear your voice," says Blackburn. "You can read the Wall Street Journal."

The good news is there's no difference in bonding with boys or girls. "Make sure you tell yourself that from the word go & never lose it from sight," Stein cautions. "Girls & boys need the same thing."

All this bonding is beneficial for both father & child in that the father will feel important – not a second stringer, but a main player. The long-term advantage is continuing to learn what having a child is all about.

Perhaps most significantly, the child will have the opportunity to learn firsthand that "there are men & women – similar & different at the same time, both with their respective talents, commitments & contributions," says Stein.

"Neither girls nor boys can really learn what men are really about without the father being there to show them thru his devotion to their blossoming."

Bonding for Life

Developing that Special Connection with Your Baby

By Lyn Mettler

When 32-year-old Mary Sadlier of Rumford, R.I. was pregnant with her daughter Caitlyn, her husband, Stephen Rosa, regularly read entire books to the baby including the classic Green Eggs & Ham. Right after Caitlyn was born by Cesarean section, Rosa went over to the baby & started reciting lines from the book.

"I'm lying there on the table & I can hear him saying 'Sam I am,'" says Sadlier. "She was so soothed by the familiar refrains that she immediately stopped crying."

Though he may not have realized it, Rosa was already bonding with his newborn child, beginning a lifelong process that experts say will have amazing benefits for them both.

The Benefits of Bonding
For most parents, bonding with their baby isn't something they do consciously. It's in the tone of their voice, the gentle stroke on the skin & the soft melody they hum.

But aware or not, bonding is one of the most important things parents can do for their children.

According to Roni Leiderman, executive director & associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., babies are born with billions of brain cells that aren't yet connected or networked.

"Connection occurs according to the experiences you provide your child," she says.

By repeating quality experiences like reading or singing, parents can help these events become a permanent part of their newborn's brain, allowing them to develop both mental & emotional intelligence.

Leiderman says that EQ, or emotional intelligence, is just as important as IQ, as EQ helps children develop empathy, trust, self-esteem & relationship skills.

Bonding not only benefits the baby, but also helps the mom & dad. Making that special connection w/their baby helps parents regulate their emotions, learn & respond better to the baby's cues & get thru the difficulties of being new parents.

"Bonding is that wonderful connection that happens between parent & child, that wonderful dance that Mother & Father & Baby develop with each other," says Leiderman.

"Bonding sets the stage for future interaction between the parents & the baby & for that wonderful unconditional love that develops."

Timing it Right
Many new moms, however, may not feel like bonding right away & nurse practitioner Sandra Samberg of New York City says that's normal. "Some bond immediately after birth & with others it definitely takes time," she says.

"Don't feel guilty. It's okay, because your hormones are all over the place after birth." But if the feeling lasts for a significant period of time, cautions Leiderman, parents should seek help.

Samberg, the mother of two & creator of The BABY-C Starter Kit, recommends a few techniques to help parents relax into their new role. She suggests that parents learn as much about infant care as they can & try to get hands-on experience to get a feel of what it's "really" like.

She also advises accepting support from family members, friends & hired help to give parents more time to spend with the baby. Finally, she says it's important that parents take feeling caring. caring feelings of themselves, trying to sleep when the baby sleeps, taking breaks, etc.

"The more you take feeling caring. caring feelings of yourself, the better you're going to mentally & physically feel & the better the bond can be," she says.

Bonding ideally begins right after birth. According to Leiderman, studies show that babies who spend the first hour after delivery with their moms cry less, nurse better & laugh more.

Many parents, however, don't get the opportunity to spend that first hour with their baby due to adoption, medical issues or other reasons, but experts say that while that first hour gives parents a head start, there are many more opportunities to start the process.

Bonding Techniques
Bonding with a baby can take many forms, but the most basic method is to simply meet the baby's needs. "You need to understand & read your baby's cues," says Leiderman.

When a parent responds to the baby's needs, the baby learns to trust & gains the feelings of confidence, feeling confident needed to explore the outside world.

Nancy Hogshead-Makar, a 39-year-old mother from Jacksonville, Fla., felt it was very important to listen & respond to her son Aaron's cues. "Believing that a child is a full human means that, for me, taking his cues as seriously as if an adult made the request," she says.

"So when he was hungry, I nursed him. When he wanted to be cuddled, which was a lot of the time, I did. I don't know what's best regarding when to feed him, whether he is ready for a nap, whether he needs to be held. Aaron does."

Research shows that touching & physical contact with the baby is also very beneficial. A study at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami showed that massaging babies enhanced their ability to learn & according to pediatrician Dr. William Sears, babies who are frequently carried in a sling cry less, learn more, organize their internal systems better & are smarter.

Sadlier frequently held her daughter in a carrier & experienced these benefits firsthand. "Once she was home, I often carried her in a Snugli while I did housework," she says. "She snoozed peacefully, listening to my heartbeat & I accomplished things around the house."

Developing a Relationship with Dad
Bonding may also be different for moms than it is for dads. Samberg says dads may have a more difficult time because they often feel left out, but she suggests that they start bonding right at birth by cutting the umbilical cord or holding the baby, particularly if the mom is unable to.

Samberg also recommends that each parent choose different activities to do with the baby, so the baby begins to associate one activity with a particular parent.

"Each parent will find their own things that really work for them," she says. Whether it's reading Green Eggs and Ham, giving the baby a nightly massage or creating a special tradition to share, it's the quality of the experience that matters most.

With a simple touch, word or shared gaze, parents can set their babies on the path toward a promising future.

10 Ways to Strengthen Father's Connections with their Children

At home: Share responsibilities of caring for children with their father. Setting up regular dates with dad gives kids & their fathers time to connect without interference & mom time to do something for herself.

At work: Don t assume that men have no family responsibilities. Meetings should be scheduled at times respectful of family obligations & co-workers should show respect, not condescension, for men who put their families first.

At school: Fathers should be invited to be room coordinators, book readers & active participants in academic progress conferences (whether or not they live w/their child).

At the doctor's office: Dad s opinion counts, too. Health care professionals need to recognize that dads today play an active role in the physical care of their children.

At school programs: When possible, children with parents who live apart should receive 2 invitations to school events. Faces shine twice as brightly when they see both parents in the audience.

In legal situations: Dads rights to see their children should be honored. Keeping a parent & child apart is painful to both of them. Only cases of mental, physical or sexual abuse warrant separating a child from a parent.

Divorce: Feuding partners must be ever mindful of resolving conflicts without putting kids in the middle. This requires being objective about your children s needs (& not confusing them with your own) & compromising when the situation warrants.

Parent education classes: Educators should plan courses with more than mom in mind. Researchers have found that men have special needs in parenting: more guidance about connecting with their children & in some cases, assistance with anger management.

In fatherhood programs: It's fun to have activities where dads can do things with their children & other men. It's also healthy for men to have a separate forum to connect with other fathers about parenting issues that may be bothering them. Combination events with child care when dads meet without their children can help satisfy these twin needs.

In Marriage or family partnerships: Dad's ability to contribute to his children depends on support & respect from Mom. He may not do everything to Mom s specifications, but he deserves encouragement for trying to be involved in his children's lives. Encouraging rather than chastising is an effective way to help fathers "get it right."

From the University of Minnesota s Children, Youth and Family Consortium.

10 Ways Dads Can Connect w/Their Children - Tips for Being an Involved Parent By Gwen Morrison

"Involved fathering is good; connected fathering is even better," says Ken Canfield, president & founder of the National Center for Fathering in Kansas City, Mo. "Research shows that a strong link between a father's involvement in his child's life & the stability of that child's values, personality & conduct."

Children whose fathers are actively present in their daily lives are known to demonstrate positive personality traits, such as increased self-control, greater cognitive abilities & increased empathy. Canfield agrees, saying that these children are also more likely to have solid marriages later in life.

How to Be a Successful, Connected Father
The benefits of connecting with your children as a father are immeasurable in the eyes of a child. To be a presence in the home isn't enough to constitute connecting with your child. There must be a conscious effort to make time, show an interest & learn about what makes your child who he is in order to successfully connect with your child.

David C. Dollahite, Ph.D., professor of family life at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, has learned thru his vast research with fathers that the majority of dads believe that their work as a father is among the most important they do. "I have also found that most fathers strongly desire to be the best dads they can be & want to improve as fathers," he says.

Dollahite offers these tips to fathers, as part of a wish list he created for fathers who want to improve as dads.

Establish & maintain a deep personal commitment to the well-being of your children & make your children the priority they should be.
Make the tough choices required to give your children as much of you as possible.
Spend fun & enjoyable time with your children: laugh & smile often.
Take them to new places, help them learn new skills & introduce them to new ideas.
Remember that children spell love T-I-M-E.
Frequently & enthusiastically communicate to your children that you're proud of them.
Be present at the "important firsts" & other meaningful events in your child's life.
Remember that most often "quality" time happens after sufficient "quantity" time.
Listen more than you speak; more than you direct.
Continually communicate your deep & growing love for your children no matter how old they are.

Being a connected father takes time, patience & involvement. The old saying, "Actions speak louder than words," holds true for fathers who are struggling to find a way to connect with their children.

Neil R. Campbell, executive director of Dads Can from London, Ontario, Canada, gives these tips to dads who are striving to be involved parents:

"Read to your child.
Play with him or her.
Attend your child's school events, music recitals or sports events," he says.

"Do an organized activity together such as hockey or gymnastics. Have fun together doing chores around the home & let your child help out in his or her own way"

Campbell stresses the importance of being an involved dad, pointing out that all children want your involvement in their lives & need you in order to help develop their own sense of confidence. Putting your children first may mean reprioritizing your life. The rewards are great & will last a lifetime for both you & your child.

"Your children will grow up & perhaps eventually will have children of their own," says Campbell. "Your participation in their lives & those of their children is ongoing. Fatherhood is a lifelong commitment & your relationship with your child is forever."

Time to Put It Into Action
"The father who aspires to greatness puts his knowledge & his aspirations into action," says Canfield, also the award-winning author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers. "Simply said, he connects. He sets down the paper, forgets about his golf handicap for now, limits his overtime at work & he mixes it up with his children.

He remembers to ask himself annually, monthly, even weekly, 'How much time am I spending with my son or daughter?' 'Would he or she benefit from spending more time with me?'"

Canfield says this can be a sobering exercise, but may lead you to be a successfully connected father. It's important for a father to plan to carve out time in his day – half-hour here or an hour there – every chance he gets.

Canfield says that like everything in life, healthy fathering involves balance. "That balance needs to happen in all 4 of the basic dimensions of fathering – involvement, consistency, awareness & nurturance," he says.

To be involved, it means spending time with your children doing everyday things. Dads need to be consistent by being available & present on an ongoing basis. "We need to be there for the routine – building patterns, traditions & memories," says Canfield. "But we also need to be aware of things that are out of routine – recitals, big games, tough classes, favorite toys, romances, break-ups, fears, hopes & dreams."

A Father's Story
Ron Ahlstedt, a dad from Lawrenceville, Ga., is very connected to his 3 children. As an active participant in many of their personal activities, he is able to watch his children grow firsthand. "I'm a Cub & Boy Scout leader with both of my sons," he says. "I've gone fishing, hiking, camping, coached sports teams, rock climbing, rafting & gone to the auto races w/them."

Ahlstedt has taken his 9-year-old daughter to her dances, coached in her team sports & taken her camping. He is always the first to step up when parental volunteers are needed in an area that interests one or more of his kids.

He encourages fathers to get more involved in their children's lives in whatever way it might be. He believes that too many fathers put their own needs above the desires of their kids. "Talk to them, play with them & be interested in their lives," says Ahlstedt. "Encourage them to do their best. Talk to them about sex, drugs & what happens if they make bad choices. And don't fake it – kids are smarter than you think."

All dads can make time for their kids if they really want to, says Ahlstedt. "The problem is: Do they really want to?" he says. "I say it must be important in your life if you want it to happen. Your children are the only thing you truly leave behind in this world. What you teach them will affect your grandchildren & their children."

In order to truly connect as a father with your children, Ahlstedt believes you have to spend a lot of time with them. Get to know them & enjoy them as they grow. The connection will become more natural as each of you learns about the other thru quiet talks, loud football games or just by hanging out together. You have to give in order to receive.

The Food-Mood Connection

by Jill Fleming, MS, RD (7 August 2004)

Food intake does affect mood due to biochemical messengers in the brain called neurotransmitters. They can control mood, appetite, thoughts & behaviors. The most food sensitive neurotransmitters are serotonin, dopamine & norepinephrine.

Questions you may have include:

What do neurotransmitters do?
What can be used for tiredness?
What can be done about mood swings?

The following material answers those questions.

Serotonin, dopamine & norepinephrine

Serotonin is responsible for the calming & relaxation states with a general sense of well being. High levels of serotonin can cause a person to feel sluggish & drowsy. Low levels of serotonin will cause intense food cravings. Serotonin is released in the brain as a result of eating carbohydrates such as fruits, breads, grains & vegetables to a lesser extent.

Dopamine & norepinephrine are responsible for alertness, increased energy with quicker, more accurate reaction times. Protein consumption causes these two neurotransmitters to be released in the brain. Good protein sources include meat, chicken, fish, nuts, soy products, eggs & dairy products.

Tired after lunch

If you find that you're usually tired shortly after lunch, you may need to add 3-4 oz of protein to your noontime meal. Conversely, if you have trouble sleeping at night, you may want to limit your protein & increase your carbohydrates at your evening meal.

Overeating, regardless of the protein content of the meal will cause drowsiness. Think about how sleepy you were after eating your large Thanksgiving dinner. This phenomenon happens because blood flow is redirected to the stomach, to handle the food overload & away from the brain. Light meals, containing 300-500 calories, is the ideal amount of energy to maintain peak performance.

Endorphins are natural tranquilizers which are released with exercise & thru the consumption of chocolate. Chocolate contains a chemical called phenylethylamine that is responsible for the endorphin response that is similar to the feelings experienced with a hug or being in love.

Mood swings

If you are prone to mood swings eating foods in their natural state is ideal. Good choices include fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein & dairy sources. Water intake should be a minimum of 10 cups per day, as dehydration is a major factor affecting mood swings.

Limiting caffeine & alcohol is a good idea, as they're both diuretics that tend to dehydrate the body, as well as the fact that caffeine is a stimulant & alcohol is a depressant.

Sugar should only be consumed in limited amounts, as excess amounts (greater than 200 calories per day) will cause individuals to experience the "sugar-high" which is always followed by the "sugar-blues".

In conclusion

Foods with serotonin, dopamine & norepinephrine can affect your mood. This is caused by biochemical messengers in the brain called neurotransmitters. Eating healthy foods & limiting such items as caffeine & alcohol will help to avoid mood swings.

Your Body’s Connection to the Higher Mind

by Julia Mossbridge

I spend a lot of time in my mind, thinking about new ideas, wondering about old ones & trying to form bridges between old & new thoughts.

I love every moment of this kind of mind-dance, which must be why the idea of a “Higher Mind” has always appealed to me. I first heard this phrase probably about a decade ago & was told that it referred to some sort of non-personal, universal, God-like Mind.

“Just think,” I thought, “access to a Higher Mind would offer expanded vistas of mysterious new ideas, ripe for my exploration!” Trying to get this special access, I spent years in therapy, meditation & every form of “mind work” I heard about. Despite the value of the work I did, I still craved the insights that communication with a Higher Mind seemed to promise.

Like many academics & other mind-centered folks, I pretty much assumed that my body was simply a support system for my brain. So it was only when I began paying careful attention to how I felt after I’d done some body work — yoga, tai chi, dance, or chiropractic, i.e. - that I realized it was actually my body, not my brain, that allowed me access to the Higher Mind.

With this realization, my mind snapped into gear & asked: “Exactly how do we use our bodies to connect to the Higher Mind?” Pondering this question for several hours, I leaned my head on my hand in a Thinker-esque pose, which sent me to my chiropractor. I took the opportunity to ask her about this Body-as-connection-to-Higher-Mind idea.

In a conversation with Dr. Liz (www.chiropractic1st.com), I drew a blob that I labeled “Higher Mind,” then a blob I labeled “Healer” & another blob that was the “Patient.” I asked her to draw the connections between the 3, as she saw them.

She drew a double-arrowed line between Higher Mind & the Healer, another double-arrowed line between the Healer & the Patient & a dotted double-arrowed line between the Patient & the Higher Mind. What did this mean?

Dr. Liz explained, “I use my connection with the Higher Mind to get information that I can then use to ask questions of the patient’s body. The patient’s body answers me & I use my connection back to the Higher Mind in order to understand the answers. The process makes my connection as well as the patient’s connection with the Higher Mind more solid over time.”

I still didn’t entirely get it, so she went on. “It’s all about receptivity - of body & mind - & the sharing of information is what facilitates that. Sharing this information between the Higher Mind & my patients’ bodies creates an awareness, an acceptance & a sense of self-trust.

What follows from that shift is that people make better decisions: They sleep better, study in a more focused way, eat better & exercise more consistently. Their intuition becomes clear, because the link with the Higher Mind becomes stronger.”

The idea that our bodies offer us excellent tools for connecting with a Higher Mind was not lost on native cultures. The esoteric wisdom of Polynesia, called “Huna” (www.huna.org) seems to put things in a more body-centered form altogether. Huna teaches that each individual has at least 3 bodies: the Lower Body, the Middle Body & the Higher Body.

In the more Western, mind-centered cultures, the 3 body-levels have been equated with the ideas of the subconscious, conscious & super-conscious (Higher Mind).

The problem with this equation is that it’s not completely accurate. The 3 levels come thru, but the “body” component is entirely lost. It seems to me that if we were created in God’s image, which is taught by many traditions, then this God-like Higher Mind must also have a Higher Body, as Huna teaches. If we forget about God’s body, it seems understandable that we would also pass over our own bodies as possible tools for spiritual connection.

I feel (not think!) it’s time to retrain myself. The power of my body has been clearly revealed to me - I want to nourish this power & let it show me more about how to connect.

But as I write about the power of my body, my mind isn't pleased. It feels slighted, I guess. My mind kindly, but insistently, requests just a little footnote, reminding everyone that without our minds, our bodies can’t do anything. But I will not give in! Instead, using my two feet, I will stand my ground; with my arms, I will reach for connection; & with my heart, I will feel God.

Julia Mossbridge, a Chicago-based writer, is also a mother, cognitive neuroscientist and author of Unfolding: The Perpetual Science of Your Soul’s Work (New World Library, www.unfolding.org).

the following web links are provided for your convenience in visiting the source sites for the information displayed on this page:

Reconnecting with a child

Advice for soldiers coming back from Iraq

making peace with children/helping them find their connection

spiritual connection

sole to soul connection

connecting with your true self

Bonding for Life

Emotional Connections

Male Bonding

10 Ways to Strengthen the Connection between Fathers & their Children

KidsGrowth.com

Connecting with your Teen

Food Mood Connection

Your Body's Connection to a Higher Mind

ConsciousChoice.com

10 Ways Dads can Connect with their Children: Tips for Being an Involved Parent

dadstoday.com

Making An Inner Connection for Decision Making

Love, Healing & Your Heart Connection

4 Steps to Ending Emotional Eating

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