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Comforting Ourselves: More than Self-Care…Self-Healing By Cathryn Bond Doyle
A flash of insight came to me last December as I sat with a married couple working hard to “own” their own stuff so they could love each other more deeply.
The purpose of this article is to explain what happened, expand on the comparison between self-care & self-comfort & then to offer ways we can
“Comfort Ourselves” with the hope that it triggers lots of “Ah Ha”s & insights for you.
I listened, as they got brutally honest with themselves & each other. In short, in the process of untangling events & feelings of the past few months, the young woman discovered that underneath her anger with her husband (for not doing certain things she wanted him to do) was jealous of his ex-wife & underneath that jealousy was a fear that she was going to lose him.
Going deeper, she was somewhat surprised to discover a belief that no matter how she looked or what she did, she was just not lovable. As she reflected on this newfound knowledge, she wept.
It became clear to her that, at some level, she’d been hoping that her husband would be able to do enough & say enough to make her feel safe in the relationship,
yet as they talked she also realized that no matter how many times he had indeed told her & showed her how much he loved her, she couldn’t & didn’t believe him.
She wanted him to make the fears go away by proving his love with this action or that behavior & she realized she’d been testing him as well. In that moment of awareness; she also realized that she'd been blaming him for not giving her something that she wasn’t even giving herself.
She was the only one who could give herself what she so desperately wanted…the ability to accept that she was truly lovable & to believe that her husband really did love her.
As we sat there with this major league “Ah Ha” it was amazing & wonderful to watch
the awareness, the feelings, the forgiveness & the compassion that flowed between the two of them. She apologized for all the times she’d been angry with him.
She was so sorry for all the times she blamed him for her pain. He apologized for not having compassion or patience for the pain she’d been experiencing.
Fortunately, her husband was instantly supportive. His next reaction was visible relief. He explained he felt a wave of relief because he knew he was no longer going to have to feel the pressure of trying to overcome his wife’s inner insecurities.
HE knew he loved her & was hopeful that now she would believe that. They both visibly relaxed & the love they shared was almost palpable.
For the next hour we talked about ways she could calm & nurture her own fears & how her constant self-assessment needed to shift from cruelly critical to comforting.
As she talked, her voice softened & she said, in a somber moment of self-revelation,
“Oh my gosh, I need to comfort myself.”
As soon as she used the word “comfort” it felt like
a huge light bulb went on inside me. I realized that self-comforting was quite different
from the more commonly discussed practice of self-care.
We
grabbed a dictionary & found the following:
To comfort
(v) is “to soothe in time of grief or fear.”
To care (v) is “to be concerned or interested.”
We talked about how self-care deals with ways we can help ourselves & that self-comfort
is more about ways we can heal ourselves. With all the talk about self-care & how it helps us, I realized that we need to add another option when under stress…the gift of self-comfort.
There are clearly times for self-care & all the ways we can “do” things for ourselves. However in that one conversation, we had just discovered
a place for self-comfort which seemed much more about new ways to “be”
with (rather than “do” for) ourselves.
We know how to comfort others. It was profound to realize that
we also have the ability to bestow our instinctive & powerful tender loving care on ourselves. We were now only a conscious choice away from this healing force. So, how do we
know when to apply self-care vs. self-comfort? Let’s look briefly at both approaches.
The concept of self-care has been around for a while & thankfully seems to be catching on as an integral part of a
healthy lifestyle. We’ve come a long way since Calgon (“Take me away in a bathtub”)
& L’Oreal (“I’m worth it”) introduced the idea
that it was OK to do things for ourselves.
Most of us have mastered the art of doing for others. As we turn some of that expertise inward
& do more & more for ourselves, we feel the positive impact & the people around us can see that we're less stressed & happier.
Our
self-care strategies may take the form of:
The value of self-care is widely accepted. The benefit of self-care is the genuine confidence generated as we realize we can count on ourselves. The good news is that those of us who have created
new self-care solutions can attest to the fact that it’s almost always worth the effort & it gets
easier & easier with practice.
The thing about self-care is that it usually involves overt actions & often has impact on others. This is probably why
self-care requires such courage.
Calling on the Power of Self-Comfort
One of the benefits of comforting ourselves is that it can be
completely private, doesn’t require any outward action & no one even needs to know what we're doing. This makes it different from self-care & may make mastering the art of self-comfort more appealing
to some.
- What
does self-comforting look like?
- How can we comfort ourselves?
First, look at how we comfort others. When a child
is hurt or scared, how do we comfort them? When a loved one faces a tragic event or is injured, what tone
of voice do we use when talking to them?
When someone is in great physical pain, where do we get all that patience & compassion?
How about the tenderness we feel when we pick up a puppy or a baby
when we know they've just been frightened?
In all of these situations we choose to open our “comfort valves” & let the love & gentleness flow thru us.
We're healing as we do this & at some level, we know that. The suggestion here is that we
give ourselves permission to feel those feelings towards ourselves.
Let’s decide, right here, right now, that we deserve the benefits of
our own support. No one ever needs to know. Just make that choice from moment to moment.
Next, we can begin to monitor our self-talk. Look for opportunities
to talk to ourselves silently in a gentle & calming voice. “Hey, everything is going to be OK. You're going to figure this out. You’re really
a good person. You can do this.”
Let’s talk to ourselves until we feel better. Sadly, some people
even have trouble imagining this kind of self-talk. This may be a new skill: a skill worth every once of effort.
In the terrific book “Excuse Me: Your Life is Waiting.” by Lynn Grabhorn, she introduces
the concept called “tender-talk.” I don’t know if she invented the term
but reading her book brought it to my attention.
She talks about how harsh most of us are with ourselves & how detrimental that is to our health,
happiness & daily mood. So many of us have super-critical inner judges who lambaste us at the slightest thing. Well, let’s make the decision to fire any & all inner critics & decide
to, as the dictionary says; “soothe ourselves in times of grief or fear.”
Another way we can comfort ourselves is by honoring our deepest feelings & giving ourselves what we need emotionally. Emotions are timeless. Experiences leave scars & wounds & distorted beliefs about ourselves.
When something happens that triggers an uncomfortable feeling, rather than reacting outwardly, it would be self-comforting to take a few moments to figure
out what's really going on so we can decide how to help ourselves.
It’s a time to get curious with ourselves just like we would if a child comes home crying & there’s no visible evidence
of a cause for the tears. We launch right into comforting mode.
Almost automatically we’d begin asking questions until we understand
what’s happening.
The loving comfort just seems to come naturally. Try this approach
with yourself next time someone or something pushes one of your “hot buttons.”
In the session described at the beginning of this article, the wife realized she was continually
telling herself that she had reasons to doubt her husband’s love & yet the truth was she didn’t believe she was lovable. That was a belief. Whose responsibility is it to change or heal that?
It's, of course, the wife’s job. Once she realized that all the blaming & hurt & angry feelings were distractions to avoid her own painful wounding belief (that she felt unlovable), she went to work. She began talking, out loud, to that part of her who longed to believe she was lovable. It was powerful & touching to witness.
There are some good books out there about healing the inner child & healing wounds from the past. As we uncover the underlying beliefs we're holding about ourselves, many of these wounds can be healed by the conscious decision to
have a new belief.
As the wife began speaking gently, telling herself that she was lovable, (like she would have talked to a friend in the same situation), she began to feel better
almost immediately. After a month of this effort, she has discovered she's much more relaxed. She feels free of the anxiety of losing the focus of her love (husband, parents, friends) for the first time in her life.
She has begun to source her own comfort thru her actions &
her positive, nurturing & private self-talk. Look how positively she has changed her future by having the persistence & courage to get to the bottom of their relationship stress.
You CAN comfort yourself.
There are 2 main keys to being successful at self-comfort:
The next time anxiety, sadness, anger or fear creeps into your day, take a moment to stop & become aware of what you're saying to yourself. Lynn Grabhorn says talking out loud is much more effective so give that
a try if the situation allows.
Once you're aware of the negative thought or feeling causing you pain, switch into the mode of “What would I say to my dearest friend if she felt this way about herself?”
Ever noticed how wise you are about other people’s issues? Ha!
Be willing to shower the wisdom, compassion & tenderness that emerges on yourself & see how that feels.
Get creative with yourself & try to pinpoint the source of your discomfort.
Get clever & change whatever negative or hurtful belief you find into something positive & wonderful. If you can do this in the spirit of an experiment or an adventure it can be liberating & life changing.
- Imagine how different your life would be if you truly believed you were beautiful?
- How would your day be different if you felt completely safe & confident?
- How great would it feel to decide that you're smart enough & good enough, just as you are
today?
- How would your love relationship change if you decided you looked great today & that your body was good & getting better all the time?
- What if every single time you made a mistake you responded like parents do when their kids are
learning a new sport.
“That’s
OK Honey!
Way
to go! Good try!
Don’t
worry about it! You can do it!”
It sort of makes you chuckle just thinking about it, doesn’t it? The possible positive impact of comforting ourselves is that we could feel safe &
supported, loved & valued 24/7.
Just imagine that!
©2002 Cathryn
Bond Doyle. All Rights Reserved.
The Pinnacle of Acceptance
by Neil R. Davis
(Lifted from the Circle of Hope Message Board!)
It's a cloudy, chilly day here where
I live. The past couple of days it has rained & today it's drying out, thanks to a stiff north wind which is strafing
the trees free of their remaining leaves.
I now look out of my window
& see that most of the glorious gold & orange & amber & fire red leaves are now
off of the trees. Most are now bare skeletons now, whipping in the wind, bare limbs shuddering in the breeze.
The call of winter is being
heard by all of nature's plants. Soon, the landscape will be covered in a white blanket of frost & snow. And time to break
out the snow skis, the ice skates & the snow shovel & sidewalk salt, too.
Despite my love of summer, (I love being warm & hate being cold), this time of year is so.......comforting.
Odd that I would pick that word, but it is a comfortable feeling
here, knowing that the change of seasons is upon us here & that nothing or nobody can alter nature's plans. Change is right around the corner & it reminds me of the seasons in our lives.
My last post was about embracing change & this post is about the same thing, more or less. Change, when expected & then realized, is a comforting thing.
It's regular here in Michigan,
I'll say that. We expect fall, then winter then it happens. So I guess that when expectations of change are met, it's comforting & even welcome.
Conversely, when we have expectations of things staying the same & things staying static & then they do change, we're definitely not comforted. We're shaken to our roots. We're thrown off our game,
our mental states rebel & we cope with it in different ways.
We cry, we yell, we plead, we ask
for sympathy, we deny, we blame, we withdraw. We deal with unexpected change in so many other ways too, ways that are too numerous to be listed here.
All because we haven't dealt with
the simple fact that things have changed without our consent, without our having readied ourselves, without our having enough time to deal
with things as they are, but rather how we want them to be.
And I'm sooooooo guilty of trying to mold reality to fit me & my circumstance, vs. just accepting things as they really are & then molding myself & my circumstances to how things are.
Why do we make things so difficult
on ourselves? Why do we swim upstream, against the swift river of reality? Why do we torture ourselves by fooling ourselves? Why do we constantly ask God in times of pain "Why? Why me Lord? What did I ever do?".
We do all of that for a very simple
reason; we're imperfect beings. That's it. We make things difficult on ourselves because we're only human & we want what we want. And
when we are in that state, we ignore the reality of the world. We're wrong, of course, but we do it nonetheless.
How much better we feel when
we say to ourselves "I'm tired of ignoring the truth. Here is the reality of my situation...." Then, we become lighter & we smile
again & we realize the truth that has been staring at us all along.
And we cry some more.
But eventually, we accept things as they are. And then we begin to grow & mature & change & finally.....when you get to the very end of acknowledging reality.....you forgive.
And to get to the pinnacle of the
acceptance of reality, to get to forgiveness.....of yourself & of the person who has crushed your heart & your life.....to get to that level of forgiveness takes all of us time. A different amount of time for all of us. But time, nevertheless, is the ingredient for accepting reality & for reaching the summit of forgiveness.
So....give yourself time.
Time to accept the realities of your life, your heart & your soul. Go slowly down the road of your journey. The rewards are many,
but will only come to those willing to do the work & to bring reality out of the dark & into the light.
And when you do that, a change will wash over you that is as expected as a harsh November wind. And like this crisp northern wind, it'll feel good. Wonderful,
actually.
You can all make it. You all
HAVE to make it. Because I'm not going to go on this journey by myself. I need some company & since you're here & reading these words, you're going to have to join me.
That is my reality & my
expectations. What are yours?
Peace to all of you.
NR
A Real Friend
by
Lia - Bekasi, Indonesia
Some of us often wondering,
Asking ourselves who is the real friend
We didn’t satisfy with friend that we have
We want a friend, a really perfect friend
A friend that caring and understanding
Always be on our side whenever we want
Sharing the joy and the pain also
Comforting us when we are down
But we feel that we’ll never find
Such a loyal and kind friend
Look deep down inside,
Ask ourselves,
Am I a perfect friend?
Am I caring and understanding?
Am I always being on my friend’s side?
Am I sharing the joy or just the pain?
Am I ever comforting my friend?
If we have answered the questions
It means that we’d found the reasons
Why a real friend is hard to find
Increase Your Comfort Zone
by Ron Kurtus (23 June 2001)
People usually prefer to do
things or to be in a situation at a level where they're comfortable. If they go above or
below this level or zone, they become uncomfortable. Examples of this are going to a high-society party that is above your
level or having to do demeaning work that is below your comfort zone. It is possible to
improve yourself by slowly pushing up the level of your comfort zone.
Questions you may have about this are:
- What is a comfort zone?
- What happens when you feel uncomfortable?
- How can you improve your comfort
zone?
This lesson will try to answer
those questions. There is a mini-quiz at the end of the lesson.
Comfort zones
Your comfort
zone is the area and level at which you picture yourself. It may not even be reality, but it is where you feel comfortable. For example, you picture yourself has having a certain level of intelligence, social
standing and physical appearance. There are also other levels of judgment, such as cleanliness or honesty.
Cleanliness
Cleanliness is an area where
your beliefs define a zone of comfort.
If your house
is what you consider dirty, you feel uncomfortable & clean it. But there's a limit to how thorough you clean the house. Some may do a quick one-two, while others will almost sanitize every surface. It depends
on the person's comfort zone with respect to cleanliness.
Work status
You have a picture or image
of what your status & importance is at your job. If you're given a task at work that you feel is below you status or considered demeaning, you'll object. You won't feel good having to do such a task.
On the other hand,
if you're suddenly thrust in a high position of authority, you may not feel good giving directions to those you consider actually
higher than you.
Spouse or partner
You tend to pick a partner
according to your own self-image. If you feel you're good looking, you may feel comfortable with someone who you feel is
in the same classification. Likewise, if someone is better-looking or worse looking with your self-image, you feel uncomfortable picking that person as a partner.
Image or picture
Your comfort
zone has much to do with your self-image & the picture of how things should be. You have a picture of yourself & your characteristics. You also have a picture
of your surroundings & how you feel it should look. That is your comfort zone.
Feeling uncomfortable
When you're in a situation
that doesn't fit your image of how things should be, you can get uncomfortable. In such a situation, you may be motivated to do things that will get you back to your comfort zone. This can be positive or negative actions.
When below your zone
When you get in a situation
where you don't feel you belong because you know you are better than that, you can get uncomfortable & be motivated to do things to rectify the situation.
Car dent
Your new car gets a dent in
the fender. The picture in your mind of the car is one that is new & perfect, so you feel uncomfortable with the dent. You're motivated to get the fender fixed, as soon as possible.
Note that if you don't get
it fixed right away, you'll soon become comfortable with that dent, such that you might
not even notice it anymore. This is a situation where your comfort zone has been lowered
to fit the situation.
Too slow to make the team
When I was in the 7th grade,
the teacher timed all the boys in a foot race. I was the third slowest runner, only ahead of two very overweight boys. I said
to myself, I'm better than that. I was placed in a zone that I felt was below what I envisioned myself. So, I was motivated to improve.
I went out for track in high
school, but didn't make the varsity team because I was too slow. But my vision was still as a good runner. Finally, in college
I went out for track again. I made the team, won several metals & received a letter sweater. I was in my comfort zone.
When above your zone
When you get in a situation
where you don't feel you belong because you aren't good enough, you can get uncomfortable & may do things to get more comfortable.
Fellow loses everything
There are situations where
people are placed in situations that's higher than they feel they deserve or should be. They say, "I really don't belong here."
A tragic example is a fellow
I met while speaking at the Los Angeles County Prison Farm. This inmate told me how he had a good job, a wife & 2 children
& a new house. Everything seemed to be great, but for some reason he didn't feel like he deserved all this good fortune.
He didn't picture himself at this level.
So then he started drinking, getting in fights, skipping work & even stealing. He lost his job, he lost his home & he lost his wife. Now he was
in jail. The funny thing, he told me, is that this was the first time he had good things & purposely screwed up to lose
them. Although he didn't like being in jail, he was comfortable there.
Playing tennis
A woman I know was an average
tennis player. Once she got into a doubles match against a couple who acted like they were much better tennis players - although
their skill level wasn't that much higher. This couple were also somewhat wealthy.
Instead of trying harder to
rise to their level of game, the woman started making worse shots & started to act silly - like she'd never played the
game before. This was an effort to save face, but it was also an indication that she couldn't picture herself at the same
level. She was in a situation that was above her comfort zone, so she was going to screw
it up & get back down to earth.
Improving your zone
When you're below your comfort zone, you usually are motivated to improve your situation. The biggest problem is that some people have too low of a picture of themselves, such that they'll
accept a lower comfort zone.
Improve the picture
If you want to improve your
position at work, your social status, your skills or your environment, you must improve your image or picture of what's acceptable to you. But this must be done a little at a time, in order not to get unrealistic.
First of all, look at your
present situation, in which you're comfortable. Then move the bar up a little. Visualize
yourself in that situation until you feel comfortable there. Then do something to get into
that new comfort zone.
Picture at work
Look at your situation at
work. Do you think you could be comfortable sitting in your supervisor's seat? Can you envision yourself doing
work that would deserve such a promotion? If you can, it may be possible.
But if you try to picture
yourself as the company president, but you know in your heart that you don't have the skills for such a job, you may be just
having wishful thinking & you can't make that your new comfort zone.
Motivated to fulfill the image
If you can picture yourself
in a higher position or you can picture things being better than before - like picturing the house with a new coat of paint
- then you become unconsciously motivated to improve the situation. You start to make an effort to get into your new visualization of how things should be.
Got new car
A friend - Harry - wanted
to get a yellow Mazda Miata sports car, but his wife wanted him to get a practical white Dodge minivan. His wife was winning
the argument.
So we got a poster of a Miata
from a Mazda dealer & pinned it on the wall in Harry's office, where he could see it every day. We were even thinking of sticking a picture of Harry behind the wheel. We couldn't get a poster of a yellow car, so we settled for a poster of
a brown Miata .
A month later Harry bought
a new car - a brown Mazda Miata. His new comfort zone said that he had to have that car.
I think he's still married.
In conclusion
How you visualize yourself
& your surroundings determines your comfort zone. When you go above or below this comfort zone, you can become uncomfortable & motivated to change things. By visualizing yourself in a slightly higher situation, you can start to achieve that position as your new comfort zone.
Expand Beyond Your Comfort Zone
by Linda-Ann Stewart
Have you ever felt yourself being pulled in 2 different directions?
Many years ago, I really wanted to move to Sedona. But when the time came to pack, I was reluctant to leave Houston, where
I'd grown up.
Even though I didn't like my old home, it was a familiar place. I knew where things were &
what the environment was like. Sedona would be a complete change, from city to small town, from suburbs to the country. It was a change I desperately desired, but still it was scary.
Take a look at
your life. Is it everything you want it to be? Are you as happy as you'd like?
Do you have the prosperity
you want, the relationships, the health?
If you're not experiencing
all that you want in life, then you're keeping yourself from it.
Infinite Life wants
to give you all the good you can hold. If you're not constantly accepting more good in your life, you've settled into a rut. This is called a comfort zone. Everyone
does this, in some way or other.
I've heard of prisoners
who are freed, who have waited years to be released. But once they have their freedom, they can't handle it. They've spent so many years having someone telling them when to eat, when to sleep, when to exercise,
that they can't function without anyone telling them what to do.
Therefore, some
former prisoners deliberately commit another crime simply to be caught & put back in prison. They've been forced out of
their comfort zone & want back in.
Most of us don't
have quite this extreme situation. But have you ever had an opportunity that you turned down out of fear?
Some people will
work hard to succeed & just as it's about to happen, they'll sabotage it. They'll forget a
vital appointment, they'll get sick, they'll begin to drink, or insult the boss. Their comfort zone may not be comfortable,
but it's familiar.
What is it that
causes people to remain in their comfort zone? Many people have a fear of the unknown. When faced with a new situation, they don't know if they can handle it, doubting their abilities. Just like I felt about my move.
A person may have
a fear of responsibility. I know of people that have done menial jobs all of their lives & turned down managerial duties because they didn't want
the additional authority.
Even remaining
at the same income level can be a way of staying in your comfort zone. Or not being able
to exceed a certain amount in your savings account.
Accepting only so much good in any one area is a way of keeping yourself in a situation that you're familiar with. By doing
so, you don't have to handle the anxiety of any uncertainties. You're on well-known terrain & know all the hills & valleys.
What it comes down
to is that most people don't feel worthy of experiencing more of what Infinite Life offers. A woman
will put up with a verbally abusive spouse, because she's been convinced that she deserves his attacks.
Or a man will
suffer with a raging boss, because he doesn't believe he can find a better job. (These are gender interchangeable.)
A person may want
to be healthier, but doesn't take the action necessary to do so, such as stopping smoking, exercising & eating properly.
Whenever there
can be something done for change & nothing is done, it's due to a lack of self-esteem. A person doesn't think enough of themselves to leave the marriage, change jobs, stand up for themselves, or take care of themselves.
So how can you
tell if you're keeping yourself in a comfort zone? Is there anything that you're unhappy with?
Do you want more
in some area of your life? Notice what thoughts go thru your mind about that area. Be aware of the feelings that arise when you consider a change. Does fear surface? fear of what?
Remember, all that
you desire is already yours. You're the only person that's keeping yourself in your comfort zone.
By becoming aware of what you're thinking & feeling, you can begin to dissolve the limitations that have kept you there. Life wants to give you more. And all of Life is supporting you in your expansion.
Adapt or die (the perils of the comfort zone)
By Theo Pistorius
DEFINITION OF INSANITY.
Doing the same thing every day of every month of every year, EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT.
When I received
the statement above (a Chinese proverb) from my friend Mario
(Huge Computers) it made quite an impact on me. So much so that I started investigating why we don't change & move out of our "so called" comfort-zone.
I deliberately used the
words "so called", for every year the season changes from summer to winter forcing us to change.
Also when circumstances
forces us to change we quickly make the change, less we perish. These are mere acts of survival. But we do change when forced to do so. The ability to change is within each one of us.
What then stops us
from deliberately moving out of our personal comfort zones to explore a wider world filled
with adventure & fortune?
My research shows
that people don't want to change for real simple reasons. And the number one reason is habit. Pre-programmed routines drilled into us from childhood. We aren't necessary comfortable
where we are, but thru habit, it's all that we know.
So we stay in the familiar condition thru habit.
The 2nd biggest reason
people don't change is fear. But what causes the fear? I think it has to do with self-image. The lower the self-image the less we will step out
and do what we really want to do because we imagine we will be ridiculed or stomped upon by our peers and society.
As children we were told not to dream , "to get real",
"to get back to earth" "don't be ridiculous" "what on earth were you thinking" and this conditioning causes us to stagnate.
Unless we can fix our self-image, even if we do step
out to achieve, the self-image will always regulate the measure of our success. Like a thermometer in an air-conditioning
system it will always level your achievements out to the level of your self-image.
And finally the 3rd reason people avoid change is often plain common laziness. The only cure for this is to get active. If you suffer from this problem you are lucky. It's
easy to cure.
And now for the paradox.
Moving out of the
comfort zone and a little bit of achievement can do wonders for the self-image. So we are
in a catch 20 situation. What is required is a bold move to take the first step, and then the next. Once inertia has been
beaten it will become a lot easier and even a little success and achievement will do wonders for the self-image.
As we try new things, we gain confidence. Confidence
makes us feel powerful and good. And when we are confident that we can survive new ideas, we allow ourselves to try even more
new things. We develop a better self-image. And that is the foundation of all success. But the core, the deep down image we
have of ourselves will not allow us to continue to excel beoynd this level unless we fix it.
If that’s all there is to it – if a little
step outside your comfort zone is all it takes to grow and improve, then why don’t more people do it? What makes that
little step so difficult?
The answer is simple, we don't like pain.
You see, the second you leave your comfort zone, you experience
pain and discomfort and . Since all positive changes take place outside the comfort zone, change is painful. The very instant
most people feel the pain, they pull back inside the comfort zone. This is the reason why most people fail to improve themselves
or create lasting changes in their lives: They are unwilling to put up with the pain of change.
The pain we’re talking about may be the emotional pain
of feeling awkward and clumsy at doing something new , or it may be the “pain” of discipline and sacrifice.
The statement “no pain, no gain,” has been perverted,
criticized and labeled as nonsense. The people doing the criticizing are almost always “comfort zoners” who haven’t
achieved much with their lives. The old rule applies. Never follow the herd (unless you want to step in a lot of manure).
Instead, follow the small percentage of people who step out and achieve great things. All great things on this planet has
been achieved by those who were willing to step out.
Brian Tracy says, "90% to 95% of people will withdraw to the
comfort zone when what they try doesn't work. Only that small percentage, 5 or 10 percent, will continually to improve themselves;
they will continually push themselves out into the zone of discomfort, and these are always the highest performers in every
field."
Many of us prefer to stay in the comfort zone and then, over
time, the comfort zone becomes more uncomfortable than ever before. How ironical! The act of avoiding what should be done,
or what is desired, offers a temporary sense of security which becomes a source of insecurity. And, thus a condition of worries,
anxieties and phobia sets in. The life in the comfort zone will become a life of regret. regret that we did not do the things
we wanted to do.
If you don't step out of your comfort zone and face your fears,
the number of situations that make you uncomfortable will keep growing. Over time, you run the risk of feeling surrounded
by previously avoided situations. To live a balanced, happy life you must love yourself. And it will almost be impossible
to love yourself if you start accusing yourself of "if only I did this", "why did I not take the chance when I could?" Regret
is a killer.
No one has ever achieved anything without first tackling tasks
that are difficult for them.
"A man grows most tired while standing still"
-
Chinese Proverb -
"You will never change your life until you change something
you do daily."
- Mike Murdock -
As always, my sincere
wishes for a great life. And you are welcome to flame me if you disagree with me. I am also learning what you are learning,
so there is great room for improvement in what I think.
Theo Pistorius
If you like
what you read, (or hate it, but it entertains you) please forward to your friends and family and ask them to join the Bwise
mastermind group.
© 2004, Theo Pistorius.
You are welcome to copy and publish my articles as long as you give me credit and point your
readers to http://www.devox.co.za
Leaving Comfort for Possibility: 5 Strategies for Experiencing
More of Life
By Stefanie Zizzo
Many people lead their lives from a safe, familiar, comfortable place. Their lives are good, but they're secretly wishing they could be more, do more
& experience more. They're eager to step over the threshold of comfort & out the door, yet not quite sure how to do
it, or where to go once they're “out there”.
1. Become Aware What's your “comfort zone”? What's going on in your life? What is good…or
great? Where are you comfortable? Becoming aware of & acknowledging what's currently going on in your life right now offers a solid foundation to build upon.
Think & write about all the areas of your life including relationships, career, friendships, recreation, self-care, spirituality, finances…that are working, exciting, good…
Now, looking at each area,
identify where you're comfortable & whether that comfort
is working for you or not. What about the areas you're challenged by?
2. Clarify
Your Direction Why move beyond comfort? What do you want to add to your life, change in your life, or remove from your life?
What's important to you that you aren't experiencing, but would like to?
Understanding
& discovering your own purpose, needs, values, interests & gifts will open up new worlds of possibility when you begin to incorporate them into your life. As you go thru each day, carry around a small
notebook & pen.
When you experience a surge
of energy or excitement, write down what you were doing when your energy changes for the better. Do the same when your energy suddenly becomes deflated. Were those shifts in energy more apparent when you
were in your comfort zone, on the threshold of your comfort zone
or stepping away from it?
3. Question
& Challenge Your Thoughts & Actions What's stopping you from crossing the threshold from comfort to possibility?
Being comfortable is familiar, safe, secure, cozy & often
uncomplicated. No wonder why we all too often stay there. Being comfortable is good, but
in order for our lives to be great, fulfilling, exciting & exhilarating, we must often venture away from the comfortable & familiar into
unchartered territory & grow beyond what we know.
When we begin to try something
new & different, what often pops up are all of the “what ifs” that we're telling ourselves & the habits
we have created to keep us just where we are.
Think about & list, all of the “what ifs” you tell yourself that stall you, prevent you, or challenge you as you move forward with your next project, venture & idea in your life.
Going forward, every time
you begin to hear those “what ifs’”, write them out, even if they're repeated & ask yourself if you
truly believe them.
4. Focus
Your Energy Taking the first steps toward possibility When you're concentrating on many different directions at one
time, or you're not quite certain which direction to take, you can become overwhelmed.
When you're clearly focused,
like a beam of light, your path becomes clear & your actions purposeful. This focus brings an abundance of energy that
will keep you moving between the ‘big picture” of what you want for your life & the “details”
of your daily actions, monthly goals.
Create a vision for your future
5 years from now. Working backward, think about what would have to happen to achieve that vision, at 4 years, 3 years, 2 years, 1 year, 6 months, next month, today.
Create a plan with small, measurable steps to help you then move forward.
5. Support Your New Life The balance between comfort & possibility Create a support team to help
you achieve your goals. I say team, because attempting to do this alone, or relying on just one person to help you will often not get you very far.
Your suppor team could include your spouse or partner, trusted
friends, siblings, mentors, your community, church & even a life coach. The important thing to remember when choosing your team is the word support. Ask yourself if all of these people
will truly support you in ways that you need.
Stefanie Zizzo is a Career & Life Coach who works with
people ready to stretch out of their comfort zones & add more excitement & joy to their lives. With 12 years combined experience in career counseling & life coaching, she has helped
hundreds of people to focus on what they want in their lives, think & grow beyond their current beliefs & fears &
take purposeful action to make things happen. For more information, visit www.stefaniezizzo.com.
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Comfort,
comforting advice & being
comfortable
Comfort isn't carelessness, complacency or laziness. Comfort is more like finding balance in life or parts of life. When you organize & prepare for everything, things that may cause
you discomfort in the future... won't.
Simply remember what causes you stress or discomfort & avoid it. Try to make plans when ever possible to control things that bother you & do it as soon as possible no matter how tempting procrastinating
is.
Solving problems early will give you extra time to live in comfort at a future point in your life. Of course a good state of mind will also
assist you in achieving your desires faster. Stay calm, relax & try to find peace & harmony with the people & surroundings that surround you.
Staying feeling calm is:
Once stress & insecurities are resolved you'll be understand comfort in it's purest state =o).
Feeling comfortable is a essential to being happy & even living in love more often since your body will be balanced & under your control. Remember to tell your self comforting words.
Comforting words
are very helpful specially when they're coming from yourself. Self inspiration brings all kinds of good things. At times life gets difficult but you can solve those problems with preparation, being more
considerate & staying feeling cautious.
Relief is at your finder tips when you understand yourself & stop fearing being who you really feel yourself. Sure it might seem a little boring but it'll give you more free time & the time will be stress free.
being comfortable is the nicest feeling around
Mothering Ourselves
by Cheryl Rainfield
There are so many of us who didn't get the kind of nurturance &
love that we needed as children, the kind of nurturance that our society associates with mothers.
Mothering ourselves & finding small ways to receive mothering
from others, can help us heal that wound. While we may need to look for nurturance from other people at the beginning, the most powerful nurturance comes from ourselves.
Because no matter how much nurturance someone gives us, if we're
not truly loving ourselves or giving some of what we need to ourselves, that nurturance will wash off of us & eventually will slam up against our self-loathing or our unending needs.
It can be hard to accept that we need to nurture & mother ourselves, when we never recieved it. There's often a lot of anger & pain; why should we have to be the one to do it?
We *should* have recieved good love as a child. But if we didn't, there's no way we can change the past. And, I believe, the most powerful ways to meet those needs & to give ourselves that nurturing, during or after we have learned to recieve it from others, or we have experienced
a few moments of true nurturing from someone else, so that we can effectively model it.
You may need mothering for different ages; an infant, a toddler, a little child, a teenager. Different methods work differently
for those different ages. Some, such as ones that comfort an
infant, can, I believe, help heal the other ages that we didn't receive love.
So how do you mother yourself? Here are a few suggestions:
- Make yourself something warm to drink.
Make a warm, comforting drink for yourself & give yourself time to enjoy it. Drink
whatever makes you feel good, warm cocoa, soup, tea, soy milk, or milk. Allow yourself to take the time to just relax & drink it slowly.
- Wrap yourself up in a blanket or quilt.
Babies & children
are often wrapped up to be kept warm & also to feel secure. Try wrapping yourself up in a favorite
quilt or blanket & just letting yourself lie there for a while, without having to do anything
else.
- Get frequent hugs.
Good, safe touch
is important. I think it's an actual need. Without it, we may feel distant from ourselves & the world. Ask for hugs often from the people you care about & let yourself relax into them as much as you can. Take in the good feeling of hugging someone you like & carry that feeling with you.
- Ask a friend to praise you.
It's important for little children & for older children, too, to hear good things about themselves. It helps
them develop a sense of who they are & helps them live up to those good things. Ask a friend, a therapist, or your partner
to give you some heartfelt praise, to tell you something that they like & appreciate about you. Then take it in. You might want to set this up as a habit for a
little while, asking for some praise once a week, or once a month. Try giving it, too; that also feels good.
- Give yourself praise.
It can be hard to tell yourself good things
about yourself. We're not really encouraged to do that in our society. When someone says good things about themself, they're often called a
braggart, or someone who thinks themselves better than others. But that's just other people's insecurities & old, negative training. Giving yourself positive messages helps nurture your soul, your self. Give yourself as many real, positive messages, as often as you can. Make it a habit to notice the things you like about yourself.
- Ask a friend, lover, or therapist to read you a story.
Having
a bedtime story read to you can be a very nurturing thing. Ask someone you feel safe with to read you a story at bedtime or any time. You might want to pick out a picture book or a children's
book that appeals to you, or let your friend surprise you. Ask if it's all right to lean against them or snuggle w/ them while
they read to you. This can help you to feel secure &
nurtured.
- Read picture books & children's books to yourself.
Take the
time to nurture yourself. Pick a picture book or a chapter from a children's book that makes you feel good - a childhood favorite,
or a new book you've discovered. Or pick any book that appeals to you. Curl up in a comfortable
chair or on a bed w/lots of pillows & a quilt & tell yourself the story. Read it out loud to yourself,
or silently in your head. Really let yourself enjoy the pictures on the page, or the pictures in your mind. If you find it
too hard to tell yourself the story, get a picture book that comes w/an audio tape from the library,
or buy it at a store. Then follow the story along with the tape. You can also watch (or tape &
watch) a tv show that reads picture books out loud (such as Reading Rainbow).
Give yourself a bottle, soother, or baby food.
Babies suck from their mothers' breasts not just for food, but for comfort.
When babies have loving mothers, they often feel safe & secure when snuggled up to or suckling
from their mothers' breasts. If you didn't receive that, you may still have that basic need inside you.
Try giving yourself a bottle filled w/a warm (not hot) drink that
soothes you. Try not to judge or criticize yourself, but just let yourself be. You may find this helps you feel safe & secure & gives you nurturance. You can also try a soother or some baby food.
- Encourage the playfulness in you.
Children need to play. It's their way of learning things, as well as a way of expressing themselves & having fun. Fun is such an important part of feeling good. So let yourself play. Try not to censor yourself. Caring parents nurture this in children; you can nurture this in yourself. Blow some bubbles into the air.
Draw a picture w/crayons. Hop down the street. Jump on the couch. :) Make some cookies. Push a
toy car around your desk. Whatever appeals to the child inside you.
- Encourage yourself.
Encouragement & support is an important part of what children need. It helps children to gain confidence in themselves, to learn to follow their hearts & to be adventurous & true to themselves. Try
giving yourself encouragement & support.
Acknowledge when you've done something well, or you've done something kind or good & give yourself praise. When you're having a hard
time or you're doubting yourself, try to be your own cheerleading section.
Encourage yourself on, remind yourself that the hard period will pass & you'll find your way out the other side, or you'll find
your way to what you need to do. Try not to criticize yourself, but rather encourage your dreams, your hopes, your true self. Let yourself express those things & be all right with them.
Mothering ourselves may not always be easy to do. In fact, it may
feel pretty hard at first, because really, we're not encouraged to give ourselves such nurturance & support.
And, if we never received it as children, it may feel foreign or
unnatural, or we may always be looking to other people to fill that void. But mothering ourselves can be incredibly nurturing
& can help us to feel happier, more confident & secure & to be more kind & loving w/ourselves.
Here are some of my favorite picture books that you might enjoy:
- Lester, Helen & Lynn Munsinger. A Porcupine Named Fluffy,
Houghton Mifflin: Boston, 1986.
A story about a porcupine who doesn't fit the name he was given. He tries & tries to become something
he's not, until finally, with the help of a friend he's able to see the humor in that.
A book about knowing you don't have to try to make yourself be something you're not.
- Modesitt, Jeanne & Robin Spowart. Mama, If You Had a Wish,
Aladdin: New York, 1999.
A beautiful story with powerful, loving messages, about a bunny who wonders if his mother had a wish, would she wish that he was different. And the mother
reassures him, with each example that he brings up, that she is glad he is able to do & be each of those things &
that she loves him for who he is.
A book about being loved for who you are; that you're lovable the way you are.
- Hughes, Shirley. Up and Up, Warners: London, 1979.
There are no words in this book, but the beautiful, descriptive pictures tell a vivid story about a
little girl who wants so badly to fly & can't, until finally she eats a magical chocolate egg that helps her to fly. And
fly she does! Anyone who loves the idea of flying, or loves dreams, should check out this book.
A book about believing in your dreams.
- Cosgrove, Stephen & Robin James. Leo the Lop, Grolier:
Connecticut, 1977. (Part of the Serendipity Book series)
-
A story about a little bunny who has long, floppy ears when all the other bunnies have ears that stand
upright. The other bunnies tease Leo, until the tables turn & they try to be like Leo. But none of them are happy, until finally they realize that it's okay to be the way you are.
A book about accepting differences.
-
Kellogg, Steven. The Mysterious Tadpole, Dial: New York, 1977.
A funny, totally fantasy kind of book with wonderful drawings, about a little boy who recieves a birthday
present from his uncle in Scotland, of a little tadpole. Only the tadpole doesn't stay little. It quickly grows. And it doesn't
turn into a frog, it turns into an adorable little creature with 4 paws, that just keeps growing & growing. Soon the little
boy doesn't know where to keep his pet... but the problem is solved. Until his uncle sends him another present.
Funny & imaginative.
A book that sparks imagination, fantasy & playfulness.
- Bourgeois, Paulette & Brenda Clark. Franklin in the Dark,
Kids Can Press: Toronto, 1986.
A story about a little turtle who's afraid of the dark. And it's very dark inside his shell at night. Franklin asks a lot of different animals what he could do &
each of them have a suggestion, but the suggestion is for their own fear, not his. But Franklin faces up to his fears... with the help of a nightlight. A touching story, with beautiful artwork.
A book about it's okay to
be afraid of things... & it's good to face them, too, but you don't have to face them coldly.
-
Sheldon, Dyan & Neil Reed. Unicorn Dreams, Red Fox: London,
1997.
-
A story about a boy named Dan, who has a unicorn for a friend. He tells his class & his teacher
& each time they don't believe him or laugh at him. But then, at story time, when he tells them about his unicorn, they all see it, too.
A book about
dreams & imagination.
-
Shannon, David. A Bad Case of Stripes, Blue Sky Press: New
York, 1998.
-
A wonderful story with vivid art about a girl who isn't true to herself & ignores what she really loves (lima beans) just to fit in. And because she's so worried about what other people think of her, she gets a bad case of stripes - vivid, rainbow strips that color her skin. And the stripes don't go away. They get
worse & worse, changing from day to day into the american flag, polka dots, a checkerboard, whatever the kids call out.
And then more & more, as her parents hire people to try to help her. But nothing works... until a wise
woman comes to the house & helps her admit that she really likes lima beans.
A
story about being true to yourself & not worrying about what other people think.
© Cheryl Rainfield, 2002 All rights reserved. see link for source bottom of page.
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5 Ways to Expand Your Comfort
Zone - By Skye Thomas
Expanding your comfort zone isn't quite the same as building self-confidence. However, the two do fit together rather nicely. The one begets the other. So many people feel stuck in a rut... bored from a routine that is safe & comfortable but not very exciting.
Fear of falling flat on your face or of looking foolish stops you from reaching out beyond that cozy little life you've created for yourself. If your goal is to expand your comfort zone, then you must think positive while doing these.
Remember that nothing really bad can happen to you if you're smart in how you go about trying new things. It's
all just new adventures. Become like a curious child & have some fun.
1) Join Toastmasters
or take a theater class. The idea here is that you force yourself into public speaking. By learning how to project
your voice & how to think clearly while on stage, you'll be able to better conduct yourself in business & when getting your point across to others.
This will build a lot of self-confidence, which will help you to really push your comfort zone in regards to speaking out
in front of others. Everyone is always terrified at first. Public speaking is the number one phobia in America.
You'll be shocked to discover just how much fun this can be. You'll get bit by the acting bug or the public
speaking bug before you know it. It'll most likely become a new hobby that you'll love dearly.
2) Drive home a different route every day for a week & shop at completely
new grocery store. By breaking out of your normal daily routine, you become aware of just how much time you spend tucked away
safely within your comfort zone.
Breaking out of your rut can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or rearranging the furniture at home. You
can trade bedrooms with one of your roommates or move into a new home. Go on vacation to a completely unfamiliar location.
The idea here is to change your physical environment & to mix up your overall sensory experiences. By forcing yourself into new locations, you not
only become aware of how attached you are to your favorite old haunts, but you also force yourself to see the world from a new angle.
3) Learn a new sport. This one has to be done with respect to your age &
physical health. For some it could be an extreme sport like sky diving. For others it could be learning to play tennis or
to play golf. The idea is that you again force yourself into meeting other people while pushing yourself physically into unknown
territories.
You should obviously pick something that you'll enjoy doing & that won't hurt. If you have bad knees don't take up running or high impact aerobics. If you're bored out of your mind while watching baseball, then you probably aren't going to enjoy playing it either.
You also need to consider honestly whether or not you're a team player. You might be better off learning to rock climb rather then
to play flag football. Whatever you choose, commit yourself to learning it completely & be safe.
4)
Compliment 3 strangers each day for a week. This isn't the same as public speaking. This
is private speaking. In order to do this one correctly, you have to become fully aware of the people around you. You'd be amazed at just how many strangers you pass every day.
You also have to think of genuinely nice things to say. It's not enough to simply speak to 3 strangers, but to compliment them forces you to think about the person before you speak to them. We can randomly say, "Nice weather we're having" to everyone we meet. That's not
really connecting & concentrating on another human being.
Force yourself outside of your comfort zone so as to tell strangers that you
noticed something good about them. You'll make their day & your own. You may even find yourself with some new friends
by the end of the week.
5) Volunteer at an elderly care center, a children's cancer clinic, or an AIDS hospice center. They'll love you for just showing up & in conversing with them you'll learn all about people's real regrets in life.
People never say, "I really did experience too many adventures." Instead, they almost always comment on all
of the adventures they denied themselves. They talk of how if they had it to do all over again... how they'd be more spontaneous & loving. There's nothing quite like seeing folks at the end of their life to make you really appreciate your own.
Spend some time giving of yourself to those who don't have a lot of time left & you'll soon come to realize how much the world has to offer.
Perhaps you'll want to take a bigger bite out of life before it's too late?
All of these ideas
are variations on the same theme. You're to practice becoming spontaneous. The whole point of a too tight comfort zone is that you don't give yourself room to be free, playful & spontaneous.
You're too self-censoring & too routine for your own happiness. Once you've tried a few things on this list, then make a list of 100 things that you want to accomplish before you die & start doing them.
Have a wonderful time with this concept. There's no reason to expand your comfort
zone so as to take on more work duties or more responsibilities.
You'll have enough of that thrust upon you in life. You're going to do this one for your own happiness & nobody else's. Give yourself permission to expand your wings so you can fly a little higher & a little further
to see what else is out there.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
On A Leash? Break Free From Your Comfort Zones!
By Deon Du Plessis
Are you among the very small group of people that live up to their full potential? I think we are capable of much more
than we are currently demonstrating and that at some level we all know what we are really capable of. The challenge is that
all to often we stay with what’s comfortable and we tend to live our lives in the ‘luke warm’ water of mediocrity.
To
take your life, your business, your health or any other part of your life to the next level requires of you to step outside
of what feels comfortable and what you are accustomed to. It’s simple. If you keep doing what you’ve always done
then your results will be what you’ve always gotten. With comfort zones we are, quite literally, imprisoned by what
we believe we are or aren’t and what we believe we can or can’t do.
When baby elephants are trained their
back leg gets tied with a rope to a wooden peg. This confines the elephant to an area that is determined by the length of
the rope. At first the baby elephant will try and free himself, but the rope proofs to be too strong for him and after a while
he will give up trying. Even when the elephant grows up to a massive male that can weigh as much as 6 tones, he will remain
confined to the area determined by the length of rope. Because he is ‘used’ to it and he believes that he cannot
go outside that constraints of his comfort zone, he will remain imprisoned by something that can not logically tie him down
anymore. He will stay in his comfort zone even if it was defined when he was only a little baby and even if he can easily
break free from it now.
Human beings are very much the same, although it is a lot less obvious. We all have ‘limitations’
that we’ve been conditioned to believe and now that we are capable of breaking free from them, we don’t even attempt
it. In fact, the possibility does not even cross our minds. When you believe something you create a sort of mental ‘blindness’
to other possibilities because your experiences are filtered through your beliefs. The result is that you tend to stay with
what you are comfortable with which is what you are certain about.
Limitations only exist in our minds. It is only
what we think we can or cannot do. Surely if someone else can do it, it is at least possible for me? Limitations are inside
of us and not ‘stuff from the outside world that gets imposed on us - although events and circumstances often make us
believe that. Your beliefs about what you can or cannot do, what you are or aren’t, are only. Beliefs are very powerful
thoughts because it’s thoughts that we have a sense of certainty about and what we feel certain about is what we tend
to act upon. Whether you believe you can or whether you believe you can’t, either way you are right.
You need
to snap out of what you’ve been lead to believe about yourself and your own limitations. The only thing that prevents
you from achieving anything is your belief about it and your belief is the ‘rope’ that confines you to your comfort
zone. Your beliefs are the leash that confines your future to your past. Our beliefs are almost always ‘installed’
unconsciously. From early childhood and throughout life we are told what we are and what we are not. We ‘learn’
what we can or cannot do until we accept these ideas as truth and learn to live with the ‘rope’ around our lives.
If
you think you are ‘just this kind of person’ or that you are shy or nervous or stupid or whatever limitation you’ve
been lead to believe – just drop it! You are not your behavior and you are not your past. Start to question all the
assumptions you have. Realize that everything that you think is impossible for you, is only a belief that it is impossible.
If you are facing any challenges in any area of your life, then it is likely that you are stuck in a comfort zone. Comfort
zones are what prevents you from growing, expanding and becoming more. Some people are so conditioned in their beliefs that
they would even define themselves by their limitations. Apart from that, these ‘limitations’ are often used as
the convenient excuse for why their lives aren’t working on the level that they ultimately desire.
You must break
out of this mould because it is what prevents you from taking the actions that will raise you from where you are to where
you ultimately want to be. It’s easy to talk about growth, improvement and advancement, but what it really comes down
to is action. Only when you actually do it can you break out of the comfort zone. It’s amazing how incredibly easy it
really is when you just do it and act on what you always thought was difficult or even impossible. The challenge is that it
is your old beliefs tend to keep you from taking these simple actions that can free you.
Starts by changing your beliefs
about what you can or cannot do and who you think you are. Realize that you get to choose these things - they are not a given.
Then act on these new ideas about yourself and you will see that once you do a whole new world will open up in front of you
– one that is even greater than you could ever have imagined.
Author: Deon Du Plessis. He's the author of A Course Of Action, a dynamic new e-Course designed to empower you to take yourself
to a whole new level in virtually any area of your life. You can get your free copy of this course at The Selfimprovement-Gym.com & take charge of your future!
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