welcome to emotional feelings, too....

feeling caring. caring feelings

feeling calm
feeling capable
feeling caring. caring feelings
feeling carefree
careless feelings, feeling careless
feeling cautious
feeling centered
feeling challenged
feeling cheerful
feelings of clarity, moments of clarity, clarity
feeling close
feeling comfortable
feeling committed, feelings of commitment
feeling compassionate, compassionate feelings
feeling complacent
feeling concerned, feelings of concern
feelings of confidence, feeling confident
feelings of conflict - feeling conflicted
feelings of confusion, feeling confused
feeling connected
feeling considerate, consideration
feelings of contentment, feeling content
feeling controlled, controlling feelings, feeling out of control
feeling convicted
feelings of courage, feeling courageous
feelings of curiosity, feeling curious

welcome to the emotional feelings network of sites

A not for profit network of self-help websites.

Welcome! I hope I can help you find what you're looking for! Anytime you see an underlined word in a different color you're being offered an opportunity to learn more than what you came here for. It's important to understand the true meanings of your emotions and feelings as well as many other topics that are within this network. This entire network is set up to help those who want to help themselves find a sense of peace in their lives - discover who resides within and recover from whatever life has dealt you. Clicking on the underlined link words will open a new window so whatever page you began on will remain waiting for you to get back to it!

 

If you can't find what you're looking for here, scroll down to see an entire menu of what is offered within the emotional feelings network of sites! 

 

kathleen

remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
forever & always

do you treat your children in a caring manner?

Your dictionary definition of:

care  n.

  1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities; worry.
  2. Mental suffering; grief.
  3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: the many cares of a working parent.
  4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: handled the crystal bowl with care.
  5.  
    1. Close attention; painstaking application: painting the window frames and sashes with care.
    2. Upkeep; maintenance: a product for the care of fine floors; hair care products.
  6. Watchful oversight; charge or supervision: left the child in the care of a neighbor.
  7. Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need: a hospital that provides emergency care.

I am absolutely sincere in my invitation to send me an e-mail. If you'd like to vent - share your history - feel validated, make a new friend or just ask a question... I'm here and will always answer! kathleen

click here to visit nurture 101~

 
There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!
 

read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!
 
 
and you can help support me in my writing ventures by visiting my health and happiness column for the Dayton, Ohio area by clicking here! Even though you don't live in the Dayton area you can get some great health and happiness ideas by reading my column and then looking for something similar in your area!
 
I do appreciate you so much!

"We formed Generations United to argue for a caring society."

 

Jack Ossofsky

send me an email anytime!

click here to send me an e-mail!

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About caring in general...

Caring
 
Concern for, interest in & attention to the outcome of circumstance or the well-being of another.
 
From the Old English "caru," sorrow; itself based on a word meaning to cry.
 
CARING involves a seriousness not unlike sorrow. If someone we care about is excelling or hurting, we "cry out" - we care.
 
 
I am because I do & I do because I feel & I feel because I care. To live is to care about something.


French Proverb

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Often associated with affection for others, caring is similar to altruism & highly susceptible to the influence of a wide range of other both positive & negative elements, with which it's frequently found in compound, including:

Note the voluntary nature of many of these affiliated elements, which are primarily negative.

One way caring can be increased is thru the inhibition of any of these numerous negative elements. - which are, again, a matter of choice.

Note also that caring is more powerful than one of its common contrasting forces, detachment. This is because, as the French Proverb suggests, everyone cares about something.

One may experience great detachment from one's surroundings, i.e., but still care about the comforts of life for loved ones. Like Compassion & Consideration, caring can be far more powerful when actively demonstrated.

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How caring is applied in the community...

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Building Caring Communities to Support Families

Barbara A. Brahm, M.S., Family & Consumer Sciences & Community Development Agent, Hancock County & Associate Professor & Chester J. Bowling, Ph.D., Extension State Community Leadership & Management Specialist & Assistant Professor, Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University

 

What Is a Community?

Communities are highly complex human systems that are shaped by the actions of their members. A community isn't just an economic or political system, but also a deeper & more intangible entity that binds people together with a common identity, purpose & culture.

 

These 3 aspects:

  • identity
  • purpose
  • culture

form the essence of a community. This essence is created thru a rich interplay of the collective/social & geographic or natural history of a place, the shared values of people & how people live, work & play together (Nozick, 1999). Because people grow & develop, the ways they live, work & play together change.

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Therefore, the essence of a community is constantly changing. The constant merging of beliefs, experiences, present conditions & future desires for the community is constantly shaping it.

 

Material wealth & power aren't the community. People & their relationships with one another are what count in developing a strong sense of community.

 

Why Do Families Need a Supportive Community?

Families need a supportive community for many reasons. Nothing short of their very existence is at stake when we talk about the creation & blossoming of communities.

 

It's the community that gives us social life & physical health. A variety of studies over the years have shown the importance of strong personal relationships & social ties with family & community, to optimum health, cohesiveness & a sense of unconditional support within the community.

 

In her book Traits of a Healthy Family, Delores Curran (1988, Harper Collins) shares findings from responses of 551 family practitioners as to traits most commonly found in families they considered healthy.

 

Two of those traits, teaching respect for others & valuing service to others, indicate the importance of the community in which a family lives & works.

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Parents can teach respect for others & show the importance of service in the community by getting their family involved in community service & local family oriented events.

 

Volunteering to help at a soup kitchen or community benefit event or raking leaves for a neighbor can be fun. These activities also instill a desire to help others & help families to become connected to each other & the community.

 

Studies by the Search Institute have identified 40 concrete, positive experiences & qualities, “developmental assets,” that have a tremendous influence on helping young people to grow into healthy, caring individuals.

 

The asset framework includes everyone. Families, schools, neighborhoods, congregations & all organizations, institutions & individuals in a community can play a role in building assets for youth” (Benson, 1997, p. 1).

 

Specific  developmental assets that indicate the importance a supportive community include:

  • developing caring neighborhoods with boundaries

  • fostering positive relationships with non-parent adults who're good role models

  • creating a caring school climate

  • molding a community that values youth & service to others

  • creating a safe place for kids to live

  • offering a variety of youth programs

  • cultivating positive peer influence 

  • promoting involvement in the religious community

Families need supportive communities to provide social ties, enhance health, teach values & develop assets in children & youth.

 

When living in a supportive community, a family can grow to its full potential & provide the best environment for children to grow into healthy, caring adults.

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What Are the Characteristics of a Caring Community?

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  • Strong personal relationships. These include strong ties among family members, neighbors, schools, peers, youth workers, churches, family-serving agencies & organizations & other systems in the community. Strong relationships build cohesiveness & a sense of unconditional support within the community.

  • Everyone is involved.All ages of people must be involved to have a strong supportive community. In his book Stopping At Every Lemonade Stand (2001) James Vollbracht lists 6 “circles,” or layers, necessary to build a caring culture for families & kids: individuals, families, neighborhoods, communities, business & government & elders.

  • Common community values that are family focused. Communities need to develop & maintain a consistent, ongoing, repeated message in support of families. They must be known for being committed to putting families first in all areas of the community. All parts of the community must consider the impact of their image & media message on families.

  • Connectedness. Connections begin within families & must then move to neighborhoods. Connections in neighborhoods are the building blocks of larger communities” (Vollbracht, 2001, p. 73). Families must take action to revitalize their neighborhoods.

  • Families & youth are involved in community decision-making. When community members are a part of the discussion & planning of what happens in a community, they will be motivated to become more involved in the building of community. Their motivation will inspire others & connectedness will grow. A sense of belonging, caring, support & pride in their community will develop.

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How to Build a Caring, Supportive Community

 

Many creative steps can be taken to build caring, supportive communities. Parents may want to try one or more of the following:

  • Build positive relationships. Spend time together as a family. Share family meals together. Get to know your children’s friends. Learn to know every family in your neighborhood. Volunteer for various community activities & organizations.

  • Build a web of connectedness. Ask your neighbors to come over & sit on the porch for cookies & lemonade. Participate in community & neighborhood activities. Be active in your children’s school as a volunteer.

  • Share positive stories. When positive community stories are regularly shared, communities begin to include them in the core of their image of their community.

  • Cultivate a positive, consistent, ongoing & repetitive message about families & youth in all parts of the community. Work with organizations & media to use an “asset building” approach in their communication.

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  • Show families & kids that they're valued by their community. Share your ideas with community leaders. Get involved on boards, committees & commissions to be part of the community decision-making process.

  • Cultivate intergenerational activities. Volunteer at a nursing home. Help an elderly neighbor with tasks they need done.

  • Plan time for your family to be together. Look for free & low cost family activities to attend. Ask community leaders to plan school, sports & community activities so families can have time to have meals together.

  • Find safe places for your family to contact & build ties with other families. Organize a family fun night at your children’s school. Host a neighborhood block party.

  • Look for opportunities for your family to be involved in community service. Volunteer to train a dog for the blind. Participate in community litter clean-up days.

  • Seek out mentoring programs involving children, teens, parents, business & civic groups. Look for job shadowing programs. Sign up as a scout or 4-H youth leader, or coach a youth sports team.

  • Educate yourself on community affairs & services available to families. Seek direction on where to find help with their various problems & concerns. When these steps have been taken, you'll begin to see a community that cares & shows community values 

Community traditions will become important & there'll be a sense of community pride. You'll have built a caring community that supports families.

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think back for a moment....
 
for many generations backwards, children seem to be forced to "forfeit" their childhoods
in times of crisis, trauma or familial dysfunction...
I'm asking parents now...."Why is this allowed to happen?"

around the world....
problems with child care in new zealand
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Caring for children in dysfunctional families

Caring for children within dysfunctional families has never been as important, nor on the minds of politicians as much as the present.

A select committee is still to report on the Care of Children Bill, a bill aimed at offering a framework for resolving issues around the care of children when the relationship between parents breaks down.

Another select committee has just finished looking into the Families Commission Bill, but couldn't resolve a simple issue as to how to define what a family is.

So they included everybody - including themselves as a select committee or caucus could be deemed a “family” & refused to report back to Parliament. So much for resolving issues!

Associate Justice Minister Lianne Dalziel, architect of the Care of Children Bill, says the bill is based on rights & best interests of the child, as opposed to the “ideal family” of the old 1968 Guardianship Act, which is to be repealed upon the passage of the bill.

But what's that ‘ideal’ family - mum, dad & the kids? It was in 1968. Still is some folk reckon. If families don't fit into that ideal, how can relationship equivalence be promoted by our Government when there's a veiled admission that some family forms are ideal & others aren't.

Wouldn't it be better to admit that some family forms are better than others while providing support for those that need it?

However Dalziel says of kids in dysfunctional families, “It's whom they regard as their parents that matters & it would be wrong to fail to provide for the protection of children whose parents don't match that ideal”.

Yet it's more who the Government regards as a child's parents that matters more in terms of legal rights. If Dalziel was serious, she would explain why the Government is attempting to provide all step parents legal parenting rights from day one of moving in with a child's mother, when some of these kids don't regard these people as their parents?

People like Bruce Howse, who killed his two step daughters, one of whom earlier scrawled in her diary “My dad is going to kill me”. Did she regard Howse as her loving nurturing parent?

Take a mum on the DPB who lives w/her 4 kids in a leaky state house in Otara. Is she likely to provide for her 4 children the same as a married mother in Remuera, who, along with her husband, is earning a high income, has the house paid off & the kids in a creche that cost more per week than the sole mum is getting on the DPB?

The United Nations doesn't think so & noted in its latest report on New Zealand that single parent families are disproportionally affected by less than positive outcomes. So it's not possible to promote the best interests of the child & a diversity of relationship equivalence in terms of functionality as they are ultimately mutually exclusive.

Not that you'd get that admission out of Social Services Minister Steve Maharey, who is responsible for the Families Commission bill. He considers that sole parent families are just as good as 2 parent families & told me last week that if a family provides nurturing, support, love & clear boundaries for the behaviour of children then it's likely to succeed.

Maharey maintains that instead of arguing a return to the nuclear family, he wants to “acknowledge the diversity of families & judge their success on the outcomes they achieve.”

Yet outcomes achieved are more likely to be positive within the two parent biological family.

Last week a foster father was convicted for killing a child placed in his care by Child Youth & Family. The reason he is dead? The boy had popcorn that didn't belong to him & his foster parent didn't like him having it. Tamati Pokaia was another in a growing list of children that have been failed by Child, Youth & Family Services & killed by their male care giver.

Also dead are Coral Burrows, Tangaroa Matiu, Lillybing, James Whakaruru, Olympia Jetson & Saliel Aplin, all failed by Child, Youth & Family & all killed by stepfathers who who was supposed to be providing necessities of life for these children. However the only interest these men appeared to have in these collectives was shacking up with the childs' mums.

Note that none of these children were killed after being referred to CYF where the mother was living with the child's biological father. That's because children living with their mum & dad - particularly in a married family - are less likely to get referred to CYF, let alone abused subsequently - although I'm sure it has happened.

Children brought up in two parent biological families in New Zealand are more likely to be nurtured, supported & achieve positive outcomes. Those who live with their mum & her boyfriend are much more likely to be abused.

It's about time those such as the Minister of Social Engineering, Steve Maharey, along w/fellow childless lefties Liane Dalziel, Helen Clark & Margaret Wilson understood how children are brought up & nurtured.

Having kids is a great start. Then they could come out from behind the shadows of their promotion of diversity of relationships, idealogy & relationship equivalence to promote policies, including those for children, based on a good dose of common sense.

By Dave Crampton

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The importance of caring for yourself...

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Do You Feel That Nobody Loves You or Cares About You?

To feel that there's no one in the world who loves you or really cares about you is awful.

Psychologists actually have a name for this feeling because it's so common in our society. They call it alienation & we'll be using that word throughout this article.

Alienation is actually a number of feelings all rolled into one.

It can include loneliness, isolation, rejection, despair & emptiness, to name just a few. Because there are so many strong feelings involved, it's often a difficult problem to handle.

About the best thing we can do with this feeling of alienation is to find out what's causing it & then try to deal with the cause. That's what we're going to try, to help you do in this article.

Probably the most serious kind of alienation comes from being rejected by your parents, or thinking you've been rejected by them.

still struggling in recovery!

just a quick personal note: november 2006
 
As I began reading over this page, especially the above information concerning feeling like no one loves or cares about you.... well it hit home for me, both in my past & in my present.
 
My teen years were filled with doubts & fears of being unloved by my parents, being rejected by my parents & needing the love, care, warmth, concern, touch, reassurance that was constantly missing.
 
I acted out, self-medicating by drinking alcohol to excess, experimenting with sex - falsely believing that sex was love as I also believe many teens today feel the same as I did - thoughts of suicide - "cutting" - teen pregnancy - drug use - emotional eating; combined with severe depression, irritable bowel syndrome, sleep disorders, eating disorder & extreme anxiety causing me to make irrational & very poor choices.
 
And now in my present, I've recently met a woman who is 71 years old, living across the street from me, living with a distant counsin. She was given up for adoption with her brother at age 4. Then when her mother remarried, she was taken back by her mother, raped by her step father at 9, given back to the orphanage by request soon after the rape.... again rejection by her mother... not knowing about her father... she's had a sad, lonely life full of dysfunction, physical illness, injury & mental illness.
 
She's needy, feeling like no one loves or cares about her. I feel for her. I feel as though I can totally identify with her pain. As for me, now in my recovery, do I feel loved & cared for?
 
I feel more loved & cared for now than I ever have before in my life, but unfortunately it's still an inadequate amount that leaves me still feeling empty most of the time. I still feel lonely. I often feel sad that my own husband can't seem to convey the love he states he feels for me in a manner that leaves me satisfied & content.
 
I honestly believe that I must continue learning how to love myself completely & unconditionally first. Maybe I'll feel a change after accomplishing this important goal of mine!
 
And as for my new friend, Rose? I am hoping to fill myself up with enough love that I feel more comfortable in embracing her within the realm of our family, sharing our love, our sense of security, and offer her some of what she's been missing her whole life.... in her final years on this planet!
 
kathleen
unfortunately... my hopes were dashed as Rose turned out to be too much for our family to deal with. Sometimes I think really needy people like Rose are so hurt only God can heal them...

still struggling in recovery!
but who ever said recovery was easy?

what do you think when you see this woman?
our older generation.... do we value them?
would you consider sharing some of your time with her?

just wondering... do you see wild eyes? do you see a "crazy old lady?"
we need the wisdom our older generation holds within their hearts & their minds!
embrace a senior today! practice staying present & open!

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You may feel rejected by them because of the way they treat you. You know, if they don't seem to care what happens to you & never have any time for you. Or, they may constantly yell & scream at you, or punish you too severely. Maybe they've actually come right out & said, "I wish you'd never been born," or "I can't wait until you're out of this house."

It's pretty hard to think straight about the situation when you're feeling rejected by your parents. But you're going to have to do just that in order to figure out what's really going on.

Try to look realistically at what's happening. What parents do & say when they're angry is often not what they actually want to do, or really want to say. i.e., when they put you down for bad grades, calling you stupid or lazy, you might figure that they really don't like you.

All that's happening though, is that they're doing a bad job of communicating their concern over your future. The same thing happens when they explode at you for coming in late. Their worry over what was happening to you while you were out turns into anger when you finally do show up safe.

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But what if your parents openly reject you & you're sure that they're not just reacting out of anger? Being rejected by your parents is a tough blow -- after all, if they don't love you, who will?

The answer to this question is you. Love yourself. If you can do this, you'll manage to love thru the pain of rejection. After a while, you'll also realize that no one, but no one, can make you feel rotten about yourself unless you let them.

Feeling that no one loves you, or really cares about you, can also happen when you've been rejected by a boyfriend or girlfriend. In the teen years, especially, it's very important to have someone you can be close to emotionally. someone w/ whom you can share your feelings.

If you've found someone like this & then lose him or her, it's only natural that you'll feel alone, abandoned & unloved. We have no miracle cure for this. No one does. But maybe it'll help you to remember that time's on your side.

In time, your feelings won't be quite so intense. Maybe you'll even be able to use this as a learning experience & go on to develop a better & more lasting relationship w/ someone else.

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Being alone when everybody else seems to be paired off & having a great time can cause you to feel alienation, too. There are lots of things you can do to meet a guy or girl, but we're not going to get into them in this tape because we have two other tapes that might help you.

Finally, we're going to talk about how groups at school can really make you feel alienated if you let them. If you're not accepted by any one special group, you can be made to feel like an outcast, a real "nothing." It's tough being a non-conformist, but if that's what you have to do in order to be yourself, stick w/what you believe in.

You'll be way ahead in the long run. During her high school years, singer & songwriter Janis Ian didn't belong to any group & was labeled an "outsider." She turned to music & by the time she was 17, had cut a million dollar record. Hers isn't a freak success story that seldom happens.

Studies show that it's the people who had a tough time of it emotionally as teenagers who are quite successful as adults. Janis Ian sums it all up when she says, "Life is easier as an adult. It's almost like my body has settled into itself & I've decided I like me just the way I am.

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It was hard to get here but I'm stronger just because it wasn't easy.

Whether you feel alienated because your parents reject you, you've lost someone you love, you don't have anyone you're close to, or you don't "belong" at school, it's a pretty tough thing to handle by yourself. We suggest that you talk to someone about what you're feeling -- someone like a friend, parents or brothers or sisters, a priest or minister, or a counselor or teacher at school w/ whom you feel comfortable.

Feeling that nobody loves you or cares about you can be awful. We've talked about why you may be feeling this way. We've suggested that you try, to figure out what's causing you to feel so bad & then try to do something about that.

There's no easy way to get over this feeling, but some things that'll help are to learn to love yourself & to be yourself. If you can manage that, you'll be able to grow from the pain you're feeling now instead of being paralyzed by it.

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from...
 
"Putting Your Philosophy Into Action:
Research findings about Helping Others"
 
" ....you must by now realize that becoming & remaining a caring, loving person is very complicated (though no more complicated than becoming a greedy, angry person). I hope you don't feel overwhelmed or pessimistic.
 
The truth is that many people have learned to be altruistic or it's our nature in comfortable circumstances (Kohn, 1992). Examples: About 45% of wallets left on a New York street (containing $5 & personal papers) are returned intact (Hornstein, 1976).
 
Circumstances influence when people will return a wallet, e.g. positive feelings increase the return rate to 60% & a minor negative experience reduces the rate to 20% (on the day Robert Kennedy was killed, June 4, 1968, none of the 40 "lost" wallets were returned).

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People helped a man with a cane who collapsed on a subway 95% of the time, but if he acted drunk, the response rate dropped to 50% (Piliavin, Rodin & Piliavin, 1969).
 
If you ask for a dollar, a stranger on the street will give it to you 35% of the time; if you ask nicely, saying, "My wallet was stolen," 75% will give (Latane' & Darley, 1970).
 
About 85% of American households give (an average of $200) to charity.
 
Even a majority of blood donors, say 60% to 65%, volunteered to give bone marrow when the procedure & needy cases were carefully described. Being a bone marrow donor is no simple matter. It involves staying overnight in the hospital, getting an anesthesia, cutting into your bone, digging out the marrow & recovery!
 
In the right situation many people are very giving. You & I can be too.

There's evidence that personally helping someone makes people feel good - feeling calm, less stressed & self-satisfied, something like a "runner's high."

These benefits from helping others don't occur when you merely give money, pay taxes, help without having close personal contact, or feel compelled to help (Luks, 1988).

97% say they want to help but less than half of us do. If an abandoned child were left on our door step, we'd help & love doing it. Why should it make any difference if the needy child is at our door or 10,000 miles away?

It would be weird if our morals told us to only help people in our family, our community, our ethnic-religious group, our country, our race, etc.

There's a simple, easy place for you to start: DO SOMETHING! Just realize that making the world a better place requires a community effort, probably a world-wide effort & each of us is partly responsible for the world & almost totally responsible for our own behavior. What can you do?

There are personal traits to be developed further:

These traits lead to altruism. Insecurity leads to distrust & dislike of others.

There is endless knowledge each person needs to know: 

  • the steps in helping
  • how to handle many kinds of crises
  • how to gain the self-control necessary to carry out our own lofty ideals
  • exactly where & how to offer help, etc.

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Knowledge gives us more ability to do good.

There's a need to create an environment:

Any society that makes it difficult or unpleasant to give to others is surely in deep trouble; i.e., in this country we hate to pay taxes although taxes are our principle way of helping others outside the family.

This anti-helping (taxes) attitude is a major problem but it goes largely unrecognized. In the last few years, however, schools have started to emphasize community service again (something like the Peace Corps ideas).

Thousands of students are volunteering at local kitchens for the homeless, agencies for the mentally ill, Big Brother/Big Sisters, McDonald Houses, etc. What a wonderfully enriching, broadening, & meaningful experience. Even politicians are talking about community service again. Humanity can be our community.

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There's a lot of help that needs to be done all over the world, enough to fill the lives of several generations. Yet, there is a simple place for each one of us to start: namely, moving from good intentions to good deeds. DO SOMETHING!

Don't cop out by saying "I don't know what to do." With a little thought we can all find endless things to do.

Examples:

  • mow the neighbor's lawn when they are on vacation or have a death in the family

  • help a friend move

  • offer your friendship to a new person in school or your community

  • offer to baby sit for a family who can't afford a sitter

  • take an old person to the grocery store each week or to his/her doctor

  • give some flowers to someone, etc., etc.

Developing a specific plan of action

Your philosophy of life is merely a statement of valued intentions or hopes. Now, you need to decide exactly how to achieve some progress day by day towards your ideal goals.

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First Things First by Covey, Merrill, & Merrill (1994) does not help much in deciding what should by "first" in your life, but it's an excellent book for helping you put your life mission into action. For each of your major values, make a list of daily or weekly activities to be done.

i.e., one person, who is trying to live up to the helping philosophy, might have a list of activities (or self-help projects) like this:

Follow the Golden Rule. I will

  • volunteer to be a candy striper or to help in a local teen center

  • seek out lonely, unhappy, rejected people near me & be their friend

  • waste little money (say less than 20% of my earnings) on junk food, special clothes, partying & luxuries for me

  • give 50% of the money I'd spend on meat to support vegetarian causes

Accept myself & others. I will 

  • stop & figure out why I'm resentful before yelling & fighting w/ my brother & my mother

  • carry out at least one self-help project at all times, using as much scientific information as possible

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Be aware & honest. I will

I will not change my morals just to keep a friend.

Be loving. I will 

  • show the special people in my life that I love & need them

  • I'll say "I love you" often. 

  • Ask at least one person every day if I can help them & really mean it.

Life's greatest joys are to love & to be loved. Be loving to many people, not just to one person or to your family.

Treasure life.

In spite of the focus in this chapter on major values & over-riding goals, I will also value hundreds of wonderful little events in life:

  • observing beauty

  • enjoying music

  • watching a sunset

  • giving compliments

  • sharing candy

  • smelling a rose

  • taking a warm bath, etc., etc.

These are just general examples. They don't include the specifics (when, where & exactly how) you will need to consider. Now it's your turn to write down specific ways you can start living your values.

Be concrete about what you'll do, when you'll start, how often, w/whom, etc. so that you have a practical to-be-done list to work from each day.

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What is Self Caring?

It's easy to confuse selfish behavior & self-centeredness w/ self-caring. Self-centered people are hollow. They constantly manipulate others in an attempt to fulfill their needs for love, care or attention.

Those who're self-caring have concern for others, but it's not at the expense of themselves. They respect other adults enough to allow them to look after themselves. They nurture themselves, seeing that their own physical, mental, spiritual & emotional needs are met.

They get enough sleep, good food & exercise so they have strong, healthy bodies. They find mental stimulation to keep their minds alert. They do what's necessary to remain spiritually healthy.

Self-caring people are emotionally intimate w/ real friends who understand them & like them & learn to deal w/ unruly emotions & life situations. And they only spend time w/ people who like & respect them for who they are so that they can remain emotionally stable. They also don't expect anyone or any group of people to meet all their needs.

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Instead of being self-centered, these self-caring people are able to be "other-centered." They're able to care for others because they recognize & find the love & attention they, themselves need.

They do things for others because they want to, not to get something in return. They act w/out fear of what others will think, for their satisfaction lies in the action itself & not in the reaction of other people. They share their love w/ others & are able to accept love in return.

Self-caring people have found serenity. They know they're neither marvelous nor insignificant. The world doesn't rest on their shoulders; they've accepted themselves & others as they really are, w/all their strengths & faults. They're able to wear the world as a loose garment.

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Taking Care Of You

Did you make any New Year's resolutions?

Resolutions often focus on goals to improve the physical (lose weight) or the financial (save money). As parents, our resolutions usually center around our families:

  • spend more time w/the kids
  • try to parent better

Not surprisingly, we sometimes forget that the best thing we can do for our families is to take better care of our own emotional health.

Throughout 2003, remember to deal w/your own emotional & physical needs. If you do, you'll find that it's easier for you to compassionately & successfully address the needs of others, especially your children.

The following are a few simple steps that'll give you a sense of control in your life as well as improve your mental & physical well-being:

  • Write down activities you enjoy that you associate w/feeling calm & relaxed
  • Rank the activities according to how easy & accessible they are
  • Schedule a regular time to do an activity you enjoy
  • If you encounter many stressful situations, take time out & do a relaxing activity (count to 10, talk w/a friend, write in a journal, take a stroll)

The New Year is underway…enjoy it by taking time for yourself & better managing the stressors in your life. Your kids will be glad you did!

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caring comes in many forms....
 
have you ever considered those growing up in group care?
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Growing up in Care

Living Elsewhere: Stories of successful women who lived in group care as girls

Holly Kreider*

Much of group care research has overlooked girls & women, as well as the positive outcomes & resiliency fostered by some group care experiences (Kreider, 1997).

Such group care success stories & gender-sensitive analyses are vital to strengthening providers’ morale & knowledge. So how do girls’ experiences in group care connect to positive outcomes in adulthood?

Interviews w/11 former group care residents who are now recognized for their professional, community & educational accomplishments shed light on this question.

First, it must be said that several of these successful women remember much of their group care experiences in negative terms, despite their many positive outcomes.

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Many recall feeling uncared for & set apart as girls in group care, an experience which often echoes the early turmoil & separations they'd already suffered in their families of origin.

In this general context of non-belonging, certain positive group care practices & people took on special significance. Specifically, women fondly remember practices that led to caring relationships & a sense of membership in a group or second "family."

These group care supports combined w/girls’ active roles in maximizing opportunities to experience care & belonging.

Women connect these group care experiences to later life & success, including their choices in work, education, community involvement & relationships.
 
As Laura says, "I recognize its tendrils in my life." Specifically, these women describe becoming adventurers, advocates for relationships & fighters of justice in ways that have earned them professional recognition, academic achievement & leadership positions. Each of these themes are addressed more fully below.

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Living Elsewhere

"I think the worst thing about the orphanage that I went to & the impact it has on me was to believe that I was different & inferior & somehow rejected by my family, by society, you know? — Hope

In [students' & sometimes teachers'] minds you were either a murderer or you were an orphan & one was about as bad as the other. — Susan

You develop a sense of belonging when you're a part of a family & mainstream society, a part of something as you're growing up. But if you're always an outsider, how do you develop that sense of belonging? — Marion

Many of the women in this study describe a powerful psychological experience of being set apart, rejected & unloved. They use a variety of words & metaphors to convey this sense of relational & societal alienation:

  • "not belonging"
  • "not fitting in"
  • "beyond the pale of humanity"
  • "on the outskirts of a social order" 
  • "elsewhere"

Cat recalls a pivotal moment in group care when she realized her place as an outsider:

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I still remember the day that I stood at the skating rink. We had an outdoor skating area outside the walls [of the orphanage] for the neighborhood. Watching these families skating around & watching these friends skating around together, holding hands.

There would be whole family groups those days that would skate together. And I still remember standing there w/my skates in a bleak winter in Wisconsin & suddenly getting, really getting completely, that I was outside the pale of humanity.

And I'll never forget that day.

Repeated images & stories of girls set apart from relationships & society pepper women’s interviews. While a few women recall a powerful experience of belonging & being cared for in group care, the pervasive themes of isolation, rejection & abuse were psychologically interesting in light of the exceptional strengths these women possess.

As Changing Leaf reminds me, former group care residents aren't like "pupp[ies] needing to be rescued" — a typical misconception of those who have grown up in group care.

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Rather, these women have become capable & concerned citizens, mothers, friends, daughters, partners & professionals.

As girls, however, many of the women felt defined by who they were not: biological or "real" children, promising future citizens, and/or human beings worthy of respect & love. They also felt defined by where they weren't: in a home, in a family, in a neighborhood or community.

These perceptions were gleaned in part from the behavior of those around them. Abuse or abandonment by family members, unequal treatment by foster parents, nonrelational group care practices & structures & social stigma in school & the community, each contributed to these women’s experiences of alienation.

This experience was often compounded by social factors—girls found themselves discriminated or devalued based on their gender, age, economic status & educational level.

Amazingly, it's partly out of this experience of extreme marginalization that these women built a strong sense of themselves & their relationships & came to locate a meaningful place for themselves in society.

Of course, women also attribute much of their strength & success to experiences of being truly cared for in their families, group care settings & later life, as described below.

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Experiencing the "Care" in Group Care

 

I've always considered myself very lucky, because even thru all the changes that I've gone thru, there's always been somebody there who's been good to me & who've made me feel good enough about myself enough to keep it together. — Sunny

 

Several women in this study attribute much of their success to the group care settings in which they were raised. Often the positive group care factors named are described as ones that counteract the absence of care & belonging so prevalent in women’s descriptions of early life.

 

In particular, women name group care structures, programs & staff that helped them as girls to recognize & rely on their own strengths, relate deeply to others & feel prepared to participate in a larger community & society.

 

In this way, these women describe aspects of group care that fostered psychological health (Gilligan, 1991) & led to future success.

 

The younger women in the study, April, Sally, Cindy & Sunny, tend to describe these positive supports more often, perhaps because they lived in smaller group care settings common in more recent decades.

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They frequently describe those settings as instrumental to their health & later success by providing a sense of home & family. For a few of the women in larger facilities, mainly Changing Leaf & Marion, they remember group care providing a sense of safety & opportunities to play & socialize w/other children.

 

It's just a group of people that were really an example for seeing what's possible & what you can do & how you can do it. They really gave me everything I needed to go out in the world. — April

 

[It] means a lot when somebody's really showing you their interest & not just being phony to get thru the day & earn a paycheck. — Michelle

 

It's like you finally have someone who really loves you & cares for you & you just want to keep giving. — Sally

 

April, Michelle & Sally are among the women who describe a common support for several girls: valued relationships w/certain male caregivers in group care.

 

Given the abuse several women experienced by men prior to & after exiting group care, relationships w/men that didn't become sexualized or abusive were of great importance. These safe & authentic relationships w/male caregivers in group care often provided one stable, valuable connection w/an adult over time.

 

In more than one case, these relationships lasted well into women’s adult lives, w/men becoming like father figures, attending their weddings, the birth of their children & other significant life events.

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Coping Creatively

I think that everything is based on that [experience in group care]. I mean my whole psyche responded to that. — Hope

The friendships that I developed there made it possible for me to have relationships away from there. . . the fact that I stayed in touch w/some of them made it easier for me. — Cindy

Part of what bothered me so much as a kid is the fact that there are all these laws & rules & regulations & yet the kid never had any input or any say. In order to have your say, you had to really really fight hard. —Susan

Women also actively shaped their group care experiences & responded to a lack of care & belonging in ways that contributed to their later success.

Women responded in a range of psychologically & relationally creative ways to group care settings that often seemed very restrictive. As adults, these women have continued to approach life & relationships in these creative ways or have discovered new & better ways of coping w/difficult situations.

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Women’s responses often created a sense of connection to themselves, others & the world.

For example, Cindy sought therapy as a creative way to identify her own thoughts & feelings, but it also provided her w/a lasting connection w/an adult figure, her therapist.

She also made close friends in group care & went to great lengths to maintain these friendships over time. On the other hand, some of the coping strategies that fostered these women’s psychological health & professional accomplishment, were also harmful psychologically.

For example, by focusing her energy on academic & athletic performance, Laura excelled in ways that brought her the recognition & attention of those around her. At the same time, she observed that this singular focus distracted her as a girl from many of her feelings & became a way of numbing herself emotionally.

As an adult, Laura practices & teaches tai chi; she has transformed her love of physical conditioning to one that also creates a sense of spiritual & relational connection.

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Transforming Experiences into a Gift to Others

I think it does have something to do w/that little saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." — Laura

There's some very evolved children being born. I know of a lot of kids who've grown up in a lot of suffering. A tremendous amount of suffering & who come out just pure. It's like a lotus coming straight thru mud. — Changing Leaf

My decision to focus on women who have earned professional recognition, educational accomplishment &/or community leadership arose in direct response to research literature that focuses on adult deficits linked to group care life.

Yet other self-definitions of personal strength & success arose, many of which relate to these women’s early experiences of nonbelonging & represent hard-earned psychological transformations in their lives.

Laura shares an evolving recognition of her strengths, which are unique yet universally human. "I think I know that I'm a viable member of society. And I feel like I’ve really healed a lot & have something to give to people.

But a lot of it involves, I think the best of it involves, feelings that are not the regular run-of-the-mill feelings."

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These women’s sensibilities are unique & complex & yet accessible & commonplace. They describe becoming adventurers, advocates for relationships & fighters of justice in ways that have earned them professional recognition, academic achievement & leadership positions.

Many of these strengths encompass personal, relational & political dimensions. The relational & political dimensions are particularly notable & suggest that these women should be looked to for agency in social & political change.
 
First, their combination of strengths makes it likely that they'll risk the costs of speaking out against social conventions that omit or disregard relationships & caring.
 
Their sense of adventure, their strong self-reliance, their ability to observe cultural realities & injustices, their courage to protest these injustices even if it means forfeiting a "place" in society because they've already known & survived displacement before & their compassion for the underdog, can make these women powerful voices for the ways we care for & nurture children.
 
Their collective experiences of nonbelonging, their seemingly endless strategies for coping & the caring supports they sometimes experienced as girls, suggest that the changes they'd fight for would honor relationships in new & important ways.

 

Also, the nature of these women’s accomplishments show that they've used their strengths in this very way - to transform practices & policies in professional, educational & community life so that relationships are valued.

 

i.e., their achievements include directing group care programs, leading community groups & studying & advocating for underprivileged children. Each has transcended her trauma & maximized her positive moments in group care by engaging w/the world & transforming her experiences into a gift to others.

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Parents & the Children’s Home Sydney Samakosky

I write this article from a professional-personal perspective. My work in the children’s home has brought me into contact w/a client group which has taught me much about child care & the realm of family & child services & about the parents of the children in our care.

They've spoken w/me, these parents & w/their permission, some of their comments appear here. I think this is important. They have a lot to teach us.

Dialogue 

At some level, it may be that increased dialogue between child care practitioners & parents could promote a better understanding of what the parents experience, a better perception of their world view & of the process of removal, separation & reconstruction which has affected them & their families.

If this can even slightly improve the attitudes of some social workers & child care practitioners towards parents, then it'll have served its purpose. As one parent commented:

“I suddenly found myself an ‘unfit parent’ ... yes, I knew that for my child to be admitted I had to go thru the courts ... I could even accept losing custody ... I can accept that I can’t help him or manage him right now, but to be publicly declared ‘unfit’ ... the humiliation & shame ... I think this is hurtful ... suddenly my status is changed ... suddenly I don’t count.”

This anomaly of some child care legislation deserves more space than is available here. Enough to say that the dynamics which are thus set up are powerful, potentially destructive & disempowering for parents. Such reduced status, labels & attitudes are carried thru to the social workers & even the child care workers w/in the children’s home.

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A plan divided against itself 

Maintaining links w/the family, along w/family reconstruction work, has become an important aspect of residential care. Frequently insufficient attention is paid to this process.

Residential care, if viewed as part of a broader treatment process, must account for the natural parents & family & the community. The placing of a child into residential care should therefore be seen as a necessary & effective way to help both the child & the family, to restore family functioning so that the child can return to the natural parents. 

For this reason, residential care should be short term & should provide the space & place for the active involvement of the natural parents, for their incorporation into the process. (Millham, S. 987)

The exclusion of natural family members from the care of their children is a dangerous & unhealthy practice. Studies have shown that children isolated from their family of origin & who are placed in alternative care in a context which reduces the active participation of parents in child rearing & caring, reduces the possibility of child-family reunification, w/a resulting poor prognosis for permanency of placement within the family system. (McCotter & Oxnam, 1981). 

Such practices place these children in limbo. They can be come lost within the residential care system & not be returned to their rightful places w/in the community & family.

In some circumstances it be comes impossible for children to be returned to their family of origin. However, this in itself isn't a criterion for excluding natural family members from active involvement w/their children. (Ainsworth & Hansen; 1983)

The care received by children growing up in their own families is directly impacted upon by the nature of the support & care available to their care-givers, the parents, grandparents & extended family.

Children are at the end of a chain of support:

so as to give a cultural continuity to systems of tending & training. (Maier 1978:89-90)

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When the system fails 

What happens when society fails the family system, when there isn't support & structure for child rearing, when parents & families are isolated & alone? This is often the point at which the child is removed & placed in substitute care.

One parent said:

If there had been help out there ... some support ... then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Yes, sure it's my fault too ... I could've done things differently ... now my kids are here in the home ... it's like there is no space for me ... no way for me to teach my children & be a parent ... all this was taken away ... And even now you know they're different ... I mean here they've been exposed to, to ... something else that wasn’t part of our home ... I don ‘t know ... maybe different values ... I mean here they get things & ... do things ... are looked after by strangers ... What does this say to my children? ... that I can’t look after them ... parent them? ... this is humiliating ... a punishment. When they come, back I don’t know how we'll give them this stuff & all ... how can I be a parent to them again ... I've let them down for ever ...

Another parent commented:

When at first my child was here I felt that I wasn't consulted about issues ... problems ... some very basic things in his life: the care workers seemed to do it all ... there are some parents who probably find this okay ... I don’t. It made me feel left out & unimportant ... when would I get a chance to show I can parent & be part of his life ... to share again in decision making & the like?

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‘The parents must have failed 

Frequently when a child is admitted into a residential program, the agency & it’s worker’s exclude family members from continued involvement w/their own child. The basic value-laden assumption is that the family & the parents must have failed, they're poor parents because their child has to be admitted into substitute care.

One of the many dilemmas faced by children’s homes has to do w/ the role which the child care worker takes in the process of admission, orientation, placement & on-going residential treatment, thru to disengagement.

Often there is ambiguity in our understanding of the children’s home as giving substitute group care vs. substitute family care. There's confusion over the model upon which we base the type of care given.

Children’s homes’ which attempt to provide substitute family care base their care on the so-called 'family model'. In this case, the family is used as the model for the structure & nature of the living context & group homes can easily adopt family-like practices, norms & values, unwittingly reproducing a ‘family’ environment that's doomed to fail on many levels, but most significantly in not making a space for the natural parents.

There's a pervasive encouragement, w/in this model, to see the child care worker as a substitute parent, rather than as an adult performing nurturing, caring, teaching & therapeutic tasks designed to promote the healthy growth & adjustment of the child in care.

The natural family is excluded from participation in this because the 'family model' encourages the child care workers & practitioners to view themselves as substitute parents.

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Feeling worse... 

This then inevitably leads to the parents feeling shut out, excluded, isolated & negated as the child care worker now begins to act in their place & leaves them feeling:

... I guess I felt resentful ... angry & even enraged. I mean it was like this feeling of F— you all ... I just didn't care. Yeah, it was very lonely & hurtful ... as a father I still wanted to be part of things but there was not a space for me.

When this changed & the team started to use me as a valuable source of knowledge, I started feeling better ... like, now I counted. I just still get angry when I think that a whole year got wasted before this kind of thing really started happening

 ... us parents, me, being a part of the team & involved ... like the time when my kid busted up the school classroom ... it was bad but you called me in to be part of the thing ... I felt like I was my kid’s father... it was great.

It's not surprising that until an agency sorts out it’s philosophy & approach & finds ways to actively include parents, that parents feel excluded & show a limited willingness to be involved in ‘family sessions’ or to maintain contact w/their own child.

The family model, or the roles & values associated w/this model, so often present as ‘anti’ rather than ‘pro’ the natural family. (Ainsworth & Hansen 1985)

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When a Child Becomes the Caregiver

Karen James's visit drove me to continue probing the long-term effects of divorce on children. The minute she left, I went to my study & drew out her family's record to refresh my memory. I have copious files on each family member in our study, including verbatim transcripts of past interviews, letters from teachers, notes describing dollhouse play, children's drawings, comments from parents about their own lives & their beliefs about their children, comments from children showing an astonishing difference in perceptions & my own margin notes about what each family represents.

The first item that caught my eye was a drawing Karen had done when we met. (Children's drawings often tell you what they're feeling & reveal far more than spoken words.) Karen had depicted each member of her family in meticulous detail - her mother, father, 8 year-old brother Kevin & 6 year-old sister Sharon. Dressed in bright colors, they were standing very close together, each smiling broadly. Even the cat was smiling. "My Family" was printed across the top in large block letters.

I was intrigued by Karen's capacity to maintain an image of serenity in her drawing because by now I was privy to the shrieking disorganization in her family life. Karen's wish for peace & family togetherness was poignantly clear. As I was to learn, this was the central desire of her life.

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The James divorce totally bewildered the children. Though on a rocky course for several years, the marriage was functioning (in the children's eyes) & family life seemed pretty stable. The father made a good living as a dermatologist who worked long hours in a private practice with 4 other physicians.

The mother was furious at her husband, complaining that he was never available, spent zero time w/the children, was cold & aloof as a husband & incompetent as a lover. He paid almost no attention to what he called her "yammering."

She was a strikingly beautiful woman who worked part-time in an upscale floral shop making elegant, expensive flower arrangements. The job engaged her artistic streak & enabled her to be at home in the afternoons when the children got home from school.

She was a strict, demanding mother. He was an emotionally distant father  -  when he was around. The parents yelled at one another, barking grievances that made no sense to the children, but there was never any talk of divorce. As the 3 siblings told me, Sturm und Drang were part of normal family life.

The real storm began w/the sudden traumatic death of Mrs. James's mother, who was killed in a highway accident. Mrs. James collapsed with grief. She had depended on her mother for advice, affection & help in maintaining the social façade of a happy marriage. The death precipitated an agitated depression in Mrs. James, who became increasingly angry at the world & critical of everyone around her.

She turned to her husband for solace, love, compassion & sexual intimacy. He became the chief target of her rage because he didn't provide the help she needed. Quarrels that were part of the marriage began to magnify & cascade as the anger took on a life of its own.

Soon their life was nothing but a series of arguments, each louder than the next. Dr. James was badly frightened by the intensity of his wife's needs & withdrew further. Reeling from both losses, she attacked him more & more wildly. Stung by her loud accusations of his failings, he countered with accusations of infidelity, long-standing rigidity & incompetent mothering.

As best I could make out, the final trigger was Dr. James's departure for a 2 day dermatology convention. Consumed by her anger, she impulsively sought legal counsel & filed for divorce.

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As I looked over the record & searched my memory, I was surer than ever that the James's quarrels had more passion than content. They weren't fighting over infidelity - which was apparently old hat - so much as wanting to hurt each other. Each heatedly denied the other's accusations.

Yet, like so many divorcing couples, they fought savagely, as the children looked on helplessly or ran away & hid. As happens in many families, there was no disagreement around child custody or visiting. Mrs. James would have done anything to irritate her husband, including making him take the kids - as long as that is what he didn't want.

Anger Doesn't End with Divorce

The marriage was dissolved amid rising chaos within the family. The parents' fury at each other didn't subside over the years that followed, although it was never fought out in the courts. This is a familiar situation for those of us who work with divorcing couples.

Contrary to what most people think (including attorneys & judges), the vast majority of divorcing parents don't drag their conflicts into the courtroom. The 10 to 15% of couples who do fight in court consume the lion's share of our attention but they don't represent the norm. Most parents negotiate a divorce settlement, decide on custody arrangements & go their separate ways.

Unfortunately, many of them stay intensely angry with one another. In our study, 1/3 of the couples were fighting at the same high pitch ten years after their divorce was final. Their enduring anger stemmed from continued feelings of hurt & humiliation fueled by new complaints (child support is too burdensome or too little) & jealousy over new, often younger partners.

The notion that divorce ends the intense love / hate relationship of the marriage is another myth of our times. Like many divorced people, Karen's mother frequently called her ex-husband & got into shouting matches. As a result, the children were exposed to the hurt & anger that led to the breakup throughout their growing up years. Millions of children today experience the same unrelenting drama of longing & anger that refuses to die.

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It's, of course, hard to know how often divorce is precipitated by factors outside the marriage. I've seen a good number of such instances. Indeed, it's one of the common causes - or more precisely, final triggers - of divorce, yet few people seem to recognize its importance.

Whenever people are shaken by a serious loss in their lives - be it the termination of a job, death of a parent, serious illness in a child, or any grievous event that can evoke powerful & primitive passions -- the bereaved person will turn to their spouse for comfort.

If the partner responds with understanding & tenderness, the marriage can be forever enriched. But the tragedy can also split people apart when the bereaved person is deeply disappointed in the partner's response & feels rejected in his or her hour of greatest need. Grief turns to rage as the two people end up irrationally blaming the other -- one for not having empathy, the other for making insatiable demands.

The initial loss is soon compounded, anger & accusations take over & the marriage cascades downward. Mrs. James followed this script to the letter.

It's especially tragic when divorce occurs as the sequel to a serious life crisis. The suffering person loses whatever support there was in the marriage & confronts the transition from marriage to singlehood in a depleted state. The children are badly frightened & apprehensive about what lies ahead. It's as if the entire family at its weakest point is expected to deal with an earthquake & its aftershocks.

What happened to this family is instructive. Many people, including lawyers, judges & mediators, don't understand how often in divorce seemingly rational complaints cloak powerful, irrational feelings. Or they assume that the complaints always reflect anger at the spouse & not some other deep sadness.

However familiar Mrs. James's marital troubles sounded to her attorney, her anger didn't arise from the marriage per se but from a secondary loss that fueled her rage. Ideally, her grief over her mother's sudden death & her inability to mourn should have been addressed before she moved ahead to make thoughtful decisions about her divorce & her children.

This is the kind of rage that can last for decades after divorce & it's the kind of anger that leaves lasting residue on a child's personality. As an adult, Karen is terrified of conflict because it's so dangerous. But we're getting ahead of our story.

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Becoming a Caregiver Child

Six months after the divorce, Dr. James married a much younger woman whom the children liked very much. She was lively, funny & didn't try to intrude into their lives as a rule-making stepmother but rather befriended them & treated them warmly.

Unfortunately, Dr. James carried some baggage into his second marriage & it, too, was stormy, featuring many unexplained weekend departures by the second wife. Three years later, she kissed the children good-bye & left to marry another man.

"I was a basket case," Dr. James told me during one of our follow-up interviews. The children were stunned, bereft of explanation for the second loss in their family life.

Nor did Mrs. James find much happiness in the years after her divorce. She'd several love affairs followed by a second marriage. The new husband, who ran a landscape business, couldn't tolerate the children & soon grew bored with his pretty wife. The marriage lasted less than 5 years, throwing the mother into continued turmoil.

For Karen, the legacy of divorce was that she moved into the role of substitute parent for her younger siblings & of confidante & adviser to her troubled mother & father. It was an entirely new role for this child who, like many others before the divorce, had been leading a fairly protected life. Yet Karen undertook the classic role of caregiver or "parentified" child with aplomb & grace. In fact, she was a model parent. "My brother is scared of a lot of things," she once warned me.

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"What is he scared of?"

"Of the dark. Of going upstairs. Of being alone. I try to take care of him. I go into his room every night, so he won't cry." Many young girls voluntarily move to fill the vacuum created by parents who collapse emotionally & sometimes physically, after divorce.

The caregiver child's job, as she defines it, is to keep the parent going by acting in whatever capacity is needed - mentor, adviser, nurse, confidante. The range is wide depending on the parent's need & the child's perception. One 10 year-old in this group got up regularly with her insomniac mother at midnight to watch television & drink beer. She frequently stayed home from school to make sure that her mother wouldn't become depressed & suicidal or take the car out when she was drinking.

A father told me how his 12 year-old daughter had packed his clothing, helped him to find an apartment & arranged to do his shopping. She called him nightly to make sure that he'd gotten home safely & to beg him to stop smoking. Although most caregivers are girls, we've seen several dramatic instances of boys who undertook similar roles.

One 14 year-old boy, whose mother abandoned the family, stopped going to school & undertook all of his mother's responsibilities, including shopping, cooking, cleaning & caring for his father who was in a state of collapse.

Such children soon sacrifice their friends, school activities & most important, their sense of being children - childhood itself. In return, they gain a sense of pride & the feeling that they've saved a parent's life.

When there are siblings at home, the caretaker child moves forthrightly into the parental role & takes charge of running the house, making dinners, seeing that homework is done, putting little ones to bed, cleaning bathrooms late at night. Karen was well suited for this caretaking job & quickly learned to keep her own feelings under tight control.

To her great credit, Karen had enormous compassion for both of her parents & was especially comforting to her mother, who in turn acknowledged how much she depended on her 10 year-old.

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With no hint of embarrassment, Mrs. James told me, "Karen takes care of me. She understands me without words." Like most parents who come to rely heavily on their children, she had little or no awareness of the child's heavy sacrifice of her own playtime & friendships. She wasn't aware of the fact that Karen was missing school & not paying attention to classroom work.

Instead, she spoke as if Karen were an adult or even a much older person. "When she sees me sitting alone in the evening, she knows that I feel sad & she puts her arms around me. She's also very wise. She told me to get rid of my boyfriend. 'He'll only hurt you,' she said. I've learned to listen to her."

And who, I wondered, does Karen turn to for soothing words? Who does she have to comfort her in the years following divorce? Or does she gradually learn to block her own feelings & needs because they are too painful?

Karen told me how she liked to sit alone in her grandmother's garden where it was quiet & she felt safe. I regretted that she didn't have many friends but was pleased to hear she had at least this one oasis. I remember Karen years later telling me, "My grandmother saved my life."

There's no way for a sensitive child to see her mother cry or her father fall into depression without worrying that she's the cause of it & so she takes full responsibility for her mother's tears & father's moods.

I watched Karen with a feeling of great helplessness, realizing there was nothing I could do to alleviate her pain or slake her thirst for protection. I remember once asking her, "What will you be when you grow up, Karen?"

She blushed. "I want to work with children who are blind or retarded or who can't speak." I thought of Karen's mother who sat alone & cried, of her brother who was afraid of the dark, of all the sorrowful people in this family, including herself, whom this amazing child wanted to rescue & I almost cried.

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When a child forfeits her childhood & adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships & cultivate shared interests is sacrificed. Beyond this loss, there's a major psychological hazard if the upside-down dependence goes on too long. The child may become trapped into feeling that she alone must rescue the troubled parent.

When she attends to her own needs & wishes, she feels guilty & undeserving. This happens if the parent's unhappiness continues for years & the parent comes to rely on the child for comfort or when the child herself assumes the role & won't give it up. Whatever its origins, the child feels obliged to care for the parent in whatever capacity is needed - as caregiver, companion, mentor, or the person who keeps depression at bay.

Karen said, "My mom has no one. Only me."

As strange as this sounds, many of these youngsters believe that it's their duty to keep their parent alive. Without them, the parent would die. This is an awesome responsibility, especially for a child who has no one to confide in. It's far beyond the kind of help a devoted child gives to a parent in a temporary crisis, divorce or otherwise.

It's an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child's freedom to separate normally & to lead a healthy adolescence. Bound to the troubled parent by unbreakable strands of love, compassionguilt & self-sacrifice, the child isn't free to leave home emotionally or to follow her heart in love or marriage. In fact, the parents & siblings may not feel able to function without her.

They may cling to her & block her exit. As I was to learn later, many of these child caregivers reinstalled the rescue relationship that they had with their parents into their adult relationships with the opposite sex. This is a serious long-term consequence of divorce for those who become caught up in the caregiver role.

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The Diminished Parent

By the time Karen was 15, her home situation had changed very little. She made no waves in high school & got just passing grades. Her teachers described her as being quiet, reserved & ladylike. They made no inquiries about her frequent absences, perhaps assuming too easily that someone at home was ill & she was needed. Clearly she wasn't working to her potential. How could she?

Again I asked Karen about her plans for the future & she replied in what had become her customary grave, thoughtful manner. "I'd like to get married & maybe have kids. But you never know, you might get a divorce. I don't ever want that."

To understand how divorce affects children over the long haul, we need to explore the fact that the divorced family isn't just a cut-off version of the 2 parent family. The postdivorce family is a new family form that makes very different demands on each parent, each child & each of the many new adults who enter the family orbit.

For millions of American children the experience of growing up - of simply being a child - has changed. For millions of adults, the experience of being a parent has been radically transformed.

The first thing we need to acknowledge is the close link between the marital bond & the parent-child relationship. Every parent & child knows this is true. When the marriage is working & the couple is content, the parent-child relationship is nourished & rewarded by the parents' love & appreciation for each other & supported by their cooperation.

But when the tie is severed, the break sends messages throughout the system that quickly reach the children. The first message is that parenting is diminished. The adults are now each on their own & occupied with building separate lives. How will I manage & where am I going & how can I put my life together?

How does this diminished parenting show up? Ask any child of divorce. In every domain of the child's life, parents are less available & less organized, provide fewer dinners together or even clean clothing & don't always carry out regular household routines or help with homework or offer soothing bedtime rituals.

But the big picture is more troublesome than the details. When the marriage breaks, children take on a new meaning for their parents. They may become a much heavier burden. Or they're an unfortunate residue from a dream that failed. Or they may give hope & meaning to a parent's life.

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After divorce a surprising number of otherwise well-functioning adults reach out to children for help with their grown-up problems. In Karen's case, this kind of behavior became the norm, leading her into the role of caretaker child. But in many families, the reversal of parent & child roles is more or less temporary, albeit shocking.

One father told me that he revealed all his business & personal plans in Castro-like lectures to his 7 year-old son who "understands everything." In our playroom, this child's play consisted of running a Mack truck over a little car. Parents who are otherwise mature & responsible in their social & professional commitments will choose to be vulnerable in front of their children.

Suddenly they place tremendous stock in the child's opinion - even when the child knows absolutely nothing about the issue at hand. Thus the adult will ask for advice about a lover, how & where to live, whether or not to remarry & whom to choose. Others share their disappointments in love with very young children.

I was startled when Sammy, who was 4, comforted his grieving mother whose lover had just left by saying, "He shouldn't quit in the middle. That's not right."

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The parents' motives aren't hard to understand. Even women who choose to leave their marriages & have successful careers will feel alone & beleaguered as they face new responsibilities & have to make decisions alone, without advice from a partner.

Men are also depressed & lonely at this time. They need help setting up a home for themselves & to be reassured that their children want to see them. Men & women alike feel isolated & alienated from former friends who may be reluctant to take sides & thus stay away from both.

Other friends are concerned about the cracks in their own marriages & will keep a safe distance. Family members often disapprove of the divorce & don't hesitate to say so. Feeling hurt & defeated, each parent naturally turns to the children as their most loyal confidants.

Both rely heavily on their offspring for sympathy & companionship. These youngsters literally help keep the parents going. They're remarkably intuitive about adult depression & protect their parents from pressures outside & inside the home. 25 years after divorce, many men & women still say to me, "I wouldn't have made it except for this child."

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Given how emotionally dependent on their children many parents become, it's not surprising to see bitter custody or visitation fights over who has priority in the child's life. Many parents come to believe that without that child, they have no one.

Their only remaining important life relationship & loyal support lies with that child. Thus the legal battle often has its roots in adult despair & not, as many people think, in the parents' simple desire to spend more time with the child. Men & women tell me that when the child is with the other parent they become seriously depressed & wander restlessly from room to room unable to bear their loneliness.

Sometimes this behavior occurs only during the months following the breakup. But it can also endure, providing the basis for endless litigation over custody & visiting. Such battles may distract parents from their personal misery but they hardly resolve it.

As these relationships develop, parents & children often become more like peers than separate generations, which in turn can make the children more independent & responsible. They're justifiably proud of their achievement. Many of our efforts to understand the impact of divorce on children have assumed incorrectly that the child is a passive vessel who is shaped by the changes ushered in by a divorce.

But the child is an active agent. (This is a theme I'll develop in depth in a later chapter.) No one asked Karen to step forward. She did it on her own. Her role in the postdivorce family was entirely different from her role in the predivorce family. In some homes, everyone benefits from the child's new role.

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Adults gain needed help. Children gain maturity & self-confidence. They also show a moral sensibility & compassion for others far beyond their years, which they can draw upon later in their adult relationships & often in their career choices. Karen's decision to study public health & to develop programs for crippled children was by her own account rooted in the early responsibility she took as a child.

For the fortunate parent who is able to rely on the child to get thru the extended divorce crisis, the child's availability may tip the balance between chronic dysfunction & recovery.

Of course, caregiving by a child can occur in intact families when a parent is ill or troubled. I recall one little girl, Martha, the oldest of 3 siblings, who took overrunning the household for a year when her mother was recovering from a serious car accident. Martha & her father shared in parenting the younger children & in taking care of Martha's mother.

The difference was that although the mother was in a wheelchair for many months, she maintained close touch with what was going on in the home. Both parents maintained adult responsibility for all their children at home.

Martha matured as a result of her experience & was rewarded by both parents with appreciation & praise. In many immigrant families one of the older children often is responsible for helping the adults to understand the new language & strange culture.

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Here, too, the child performs vital functions that enable the family to keep going, but the adults maintain their responsibility at the head of the family.

In contrast, in a postdivorce family, the child often takes responsibility for the one or both parents who are temporarily or lastingly overwhelmed by the crisis. This situation can be compounded by the adult's subsequent disappointments in relationships.

A formerly competent mother or father is unable to carry on as before. Recovery from a divorce is a lot harder than we've realized & it lasts a lot longer.

As a result, the burden falls on the child who steps forward to take charge - out of compassion & often out of unrealistic guilt. This is one way that divorce profoundly changes not only the child's experience but, as Karen illustrates, the whole personality of the child as she grows up & becomes an adult.

Caregiving that involves sacrificing one's own wishes for the needs of others is poor preparation for happy choices in adult relationships, as we'll see in coming chapters.

*Endnotes were omitted Copyright © 2000 Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, & Sandra Blakeslee

maintaining order, thus maintaining caring for all
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Intimacy & Sex: The Unspoken Casualties Of Cancer
 
ScienceDaily (Feb. 28, 2007)Caring for a partner with cancer may be one of the most testing & stressful experiences a person can have during their lifetime. An unspoken casualty of the cancer diagnosis can often be the loss of sex & intimacy between couples.

Now, an innovative study conducted by the University of Western Sydney looks at the lives of cancer carers & how they negotiate issues surrounding sexuality & intimacy in the context of caring for a partner with cancer.

The 3-year Australian Research Council Linkage grant in conjunction with New South Wales Cancer Council is looking at the needs of cancer carers in an attempt to identify what types of support services are most effective.

The project has been conducted by Post Doctoral Research Fellow, Dr Emilee Gilbert, from the Gender, Culture and Health Research Unit in the School of Psychology. This sub-study consisted of a series of questionnaires which were completed by 131 cancer carers. In-depth interviews were also conducted with 20 carers.

Of the group surveyed, 80% responded that the diagnosis of cancer had a detrimental impact on their sexual relationship with their partner.

Of the 43 male carers who responded, 86% said that cancer had impacted on their sexuality. For women carers, the number was 76%.

Dr Gilbert found that a lack of communication about sex & intimacy - both between the couple & with health care professionals was a major issue for carers.

"For some couples, the person with cancer was hesitant to discuss issues relating to sexuality & carers generally felt they didn't want to put further stress on the partner with cancer by raising the topic," Dr Gilbert says.

"There was also a perception among some of the older couples in the study that sex was a taboo subject in the context of cancer."

With younger female participants in the study, issues such as whether to start a family, would their partner with cancer be around to help raise any children, or could they even get pregnant, were also raised as concerns

The study found the failure by health care professionals to discuss issues relating to intimacy & sexuality with a couple made it difficult for carers to feel they could legitimately discuss their feelings.

"Part of the unwillingness to raise the topics of sex & intimacy probably stems from not being given the license to talk about it. Those feelings left them feeling angry, upset & resentful of health care professionals," Dr Gilbert says.

"In many cases, because health professionals didn't bring the subject up, carers didn't feel they could bring it up. If it was discussed, it was only touched on or it was raised at an inappropriate time such as when the diagnosis was first given."

However, the study found that when the topic was raised by the health care professional & questions were asked & answered & the couple weren't rushed, carers reported an excellent experience.

Dr Gilbert says the reason the subject of sex & intimacy wasn't raised more often by providers was because some may have felt it would be seen as either intrusive or disrespectful. There could also have been other issues such as gender, age & culture which may have been factors dissuading both sides from raising the issue, she says.

She also believes there is a need for support to be offered to people with cancer and their carers to facilitate communication about sexuality, and address sexual issues and concerns.

Adapted from materials provided by University of Western Sydney.

source: click here

Caring for the Windows of Our Souls -

For healthier eyes, we need to mind the rest of the body, too 

by Ana Arias Terry

Conscious Choice, August 2001

If our eyes are the windows of our souls, we're not doing a stellar job at keeping those windows squeaky clean & damage free. Nearly all cases of blindness in this country are a result of common eye disorders.

Leading the U.S. list of the most typical causes of blindness are macular degeneration (a breakdown of the retina affecting central vision), glaucoma (an increase in eye pressure that can hurt the retina), cataract (the loss of lens transparency) & diabetic retinopathy (a breakdown or blockage of the retinal blood vessels in diabetics).

According to Prevent Blindness America, a 93 year-old volunteer sight health & safety organization, macular degeneration, whether age-related or hereditary, is expected to continue to be the primary cause of blindness.

Currently more than 13 million individuals have this disease. By 2030, the number of blind individuals will be double what it is today & we're likely to see twice the number of glaucoma cases as today.

Nearly 6.4 million new cases of eye disorders are popping up yearly & we're making some 34 million treks to doctors' offices to help us with eye maintenance issues.

But there's good news. Nearly 40 - 50% of blindness can be treated effectively or prevented, which can result in sight restoration. We do face environmental & cultural factors that make our quest for healthier eyes more challenging, so they must be factored in. But if we're willing to consider a holistic perspective & make some changes in our habits, there's much we can do to help maintain our sight.

Our Environment, Our Culture

It's no secret that our polluted environment has a negative impact on all living organisms. From pesticides to noxious fumes, they seep into the air we breath, the water we drink & the foods we consume.

Dr. Garry Kappel, O.D., FCOVD, a holistic & alternative optometrist based in Portland, Oregon, writes, "I believe environmental factors - not just aging - are the primary influence on accelerated occurrence of disease & mutation of cells."

In 30 years he has seen a significant increase in the onset of eye disorders such as dry eye, macular degeneration, glaucoma & cataracts. "One of the frightening facts is that these conditions are affecting younger & younger people."

The toxins in our environment, particularly the heavy metals such as mercury, lead & cadmium, also worry Dr. Edward Kondrot, M.D., CCH, a homeopathic & alternative medicine ophthalmologist w/practices in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania & Phoenix, Arizona.

"Exposure to these metals increases the incidence of degenerative disorders in our eyes," he says, adding, "overuse of antibiotics & too many immunizations are weakening our immune systems & causing greater deterioration of our eyesight."

In Elmhurst, Illinois, Holistic Optometrist Larry Sajdecki laments the fact that while we need to spend more time outdoors given our cultural, sedentary habits that keep us at our desks for so long, the quality of air & water is greatly depleted.

"More Americans are spending increasing hours indoors with  inadequate lighting, leading to the common disorder of myopia or nearsightedness."

In his view, the greatest cultural challenge that's affecting our eyes is computers. "So many people - both child & adult - spend too much time on computers," he says. "Games in the street & parks were replaced by Game Boy & Play Stations. Adults now take laptops on vacation."

Dr. Kondrot sees both computers & televisions in our culture as causing significant levels of eyestrain. He says that average adults typically keep their eyes frozen on the screen, don't blink nearly as often as they should & don't move their head or neck very much.

"Developing proper visual habits is very important," says Kondrot. "When you're at the computer, imagine a feather that extends from your eyes to the monitor. As you read, paint the words w/that feather so that your head & neck move as you glide over the words. And remember to blink often."

Dr. Kondrot warns that the electromagnetic fields that emanate from computers & televisions also may affect our visual health. Dr. Kappel shares similar concerns.

"Vast increases in sound, electromagnetic & other vibratory influences affect reproduction & mutation [of cells]," he writes. "Pollution from electromagnetic frequencies generated by appliances, cars, televisions, microwaves, radios, computers & radar permeates every moment of our lives & every cell of our bodies."

Balanced Healing

A holistic approach to eye health is one that promotes a balanced system of healing by incorporating the well-being of an individual from a mental, emotional & physical perspective. Although their individual recipes differ in focus, Drs. Kappel, Kondrot & Sajdecki see healthy nutrition, vitamins & supplements & exercise for our bodies & our eyes as key to overall wellness.

Given the amount of highly processed foods laden with sugar, salt, preservatives & flavorings & geographical variations that account for inconsistencies in food quality & food preparation techniques, it's difficult in our culture to obtain all the key ingredients we need for optimum nutrition & absorption.

To combat that cultural slant, the doctors advocate organic, whole food that's varied & processed as little as possible. "Colorful food will give you colorful vision," says Dr. Kondrot. He advocates fresh, "colorful" food & a program of nutritional supplements to help balance the diet.

He also comments on the importance of antioxidants, which safeguard healthy cells & other types of tissues by warding off free radicals & the oxidation they cause in our systems.

According to Dr. Kappel, most of the eye difficulties we're experiencing stem from digestive or vascular dysfunction, poor absorption, malnutrition & allergies.

"Supplementation is essential to ensure adequate nutrient levels," he writes. "My clinical observation establishes 45 ingredients necessary to build & maintain healthy eyes. These include an array of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, enzymes, carotenoids, bioflavins & herbs."

Kappel recommends 9 herbs that have particularly helpful qualities for the eyes. These include ginger root, bilberry, garlic, eyebright, ginkgo biloba, cayenne & periwinkle.

Dr. Sajdecki also encourages a lifestyle with less stress, minimal medication (w/the appropriate doctors' permission), full-spectrum lighting in the home & office & no smoking. He usually encourages patients to get more sun & wear their sunglasses less.

Sajdecki doesn't disagree with the potential dangers inherent in exposing eyes to heavy ultraviolet (UV) light, but he does think the chances of such damage are small.

"Statistics point out that the average American spends less than 20 minutes outside," he adds. From his perspective, this makes the potential damage "practically non-existent for the average office worker & housewife," though if the health issue is macular degeneration, the equation changes.

Marc Price, O.D., & Linda Comac, M.A., suggest in their book Coping with Macular Degeneration that keeping sunglasses handy is a good idea, particularly those that protect your eyes 100% from UV-A & UV-B rays & 85% from blue light.

They also indicate that caffeine is a habit worth kicking. They note that research has shown caffeine consumption to decrease the rate of retinal blood flow up to 13%.

"How you think & your belief systems will greatly affect how you use your eyes," states Sajdecki. He claims a recent study demonstrates that emotions play a key role in corneal curvature & how well we actually see. "Because the physical body mimics the emotional state of the individual, flexibility of emotions translates into flexibility of vision."

Kondrot believes that meditation, learning to control our emotions, & a positive mental, emotional & physical attitude can make a big difference. "The eyes are a barometer," he says. "Subtle disturbances in our eyes will show themselves before any other parts of our bodies. He comments, optimistically, that "if you enjoy what you see, your eyes will last you a lifetime."

Treatment Considerations

The health advice for those of us who wear glasses & contact lenses is highly consistent with what's offered by these doctors to the rest of the population: good diet, appropriate supplements & exercise.

Both Kondrot & Kappel suggest a series of eye exercises to condition the eyes, relax them & reduce dependency on corrective lenses. It's best to get assistance from a vision therapist when starting out w/eye exercises to ensure proper technique.

For those considering laser surgery, a few points to consider. The procedure can be highly effective for the nearsighted, farsighted & astigmatic. Dr. Sajdecki notes that the success rate for these surgeries is about 90%.

For some people, the surgery enables them to stop using contacts or glasses. What it doesn't take into account, says Sajdecki, is what the person's eyes will be like in 10 to 15 years. He suggests that there's no evidence to support that a person's eyes will stop changing after surgery & he recommends this procedure only for individuals w/high prescriptions.

"If you decide to pursue it, don't go for the lowest price," he says. "Or you run a very good risk of getting what you pay for."

Dr. Kondrot thinks that the success of laser surgery is less predictable for those with macular degeneration & other degenerative disorders. He concedes that laser surgery can dramatically change an individual's outlook on life if the procedure is successful for them regardless of disorder.

But he cautions that this type of procedure doesn't remedy the underlying disturbance that caused the disorder in the first place. He contends that certain personality characteristics are associated with particular disorders.

He says that nearsighted individuals are more concerned with the future, whereas farsighted ones worry about the past. Unless people learn to modify their behaviors, their conditions are likely to reappear down the road.

Sajdecki's opinion regarding surgery & Kondrot's opinion aren't mutually exclusive, however. i.e., Sue Walters, a busy mom of two & wife who works at home in Fort Collins, Colorado, decided to pursue laser surgery after much research.

She was tired of her dependence on contacts after many years of use, the expense of saline solutions & enzyme tablets & the added chore of having to maintain impeccably clean lenses. She had the procedure done by a highly experienced doctor & she's very happy with the results. She has better than 20:20 vision.

Would she do it again? You bet. As for recommending it to others, "I think I'd tell anyone thinking about the procedure to do their research & do what feels right to them," she says.

"It's not for everyone." Walters is very mindful of maintaining good eye health & at the top of her list for keeping healthy in the eyes are good nutrition, sufficient sleep & hydration, eye relaxation, facial massages & regular eye exams. She's also considering vision therapy for herself & her family.

Other types of therapies that are holistic in scope include chelation & microcurrent. According to Dr. Kondrot, chelation uses a synthetic protein known as EDTA that causes heavy metals in the body to adhere to it.

The harmful metals are eliminated from the body along w/the synthetic protein. EDTA also removes calcium & plaque from blood vessels & it serves as a powerful antioxidant agent. Microcurrent uses a weak electric current to stimulate dysfunctional retinal cells.

Like surgery, however, both of these therapies come after the damage has been done. The wisest approach, of course, is to take care of your eyes as you do the rest of your body. Nutrition, exercise & rest are key. With food & care & a little extra attention from a pro, your soul can peer happily thru its window all your life.

Resources

Dr. Garry Kappel, O.D., FCOVD, Holistic/ Alternative Optometrist, 503-760-0678; iquest@teleport.com, www.iquestsight.com. He offers a supplement called OptiVisionForte, which has more than forty-five nutrients to promote healthy eye tissue.

Dr. Edward Kondrot, M.D., CCH, Homeopathic/Alternative Medicine Ophthalmologist, 800-430-9328, ekondrot@pipeline.com, www.kondrot.com. He's the author of Healing the Eyes the Natural Way, which includes a twelve-step method for improving your vision, and Microcurrent Stimulation: Miracle Eye Cure? He has also developed a complete line of homeopathic and nutritional products for the eye.

Dr. Larry Sajdecki, O.D., Holistic Optometrist, 630-833-8131, larry@lightandvision.net, www.lightandvision.net. He offers weekend workshops for individuals who wish to lessen their prescription without surgery. Eye exercises, full spectrum light, and behavior modification are part of the therapy.

Using caring in parenting & in the family...

Caring is being kind, helpful & generous to everyone. Caring people are unselfish. They're considerate - they think how their conduct affects others & how others feelCaring people are charitable & forgiving & they do good without expecting a reward.

What Parents Can Do To Promote Caring:

The best way to teach caring is to show caring to your child. Spend time with your child. Be affectionate, encouraging, appreciative & patient.

 

Caring often involves elements of friendship & loyalty. Be sure your child knows the limits of loyalty when a friend tries to get him or her to do something wrong.

 

Encourage your child to make small gifts to show love & caring to relatives & friends.

 

Help your child develop empathy by discussing how others feel & them to express how they feel. Be forgiving.

 

Be kind Show kindness to others, especially when your child is nearby. Tell your child "that was a nice thing to do."

 

Help other people. Find ways to help out & involve your child.

How to Be Caring

As parents, we want our children to be thoughtful & caring toward family, friends, neighbors, teachers & strangers. But how exactly do you help your child express caring feelings?

Rather than wait & hope it comes naturally, teach your child what it means to be a caring individual.

Caring is one of the Six Pillars of Character developed by the Josephson Institute. In past months, we've looked at how to help kids show a caring attitude in the midst of athletic competition. Today, we're broadening the perspective with tips on teaching children to be caring in all facets of life.

To be a person who cares means that you're kind & feeling compassionate, compassionate feelings to others. You express your gratitude. You forgive others & help those in need.

These may be too abstract for your child to understand, but you can teach him or her very specific behaviors that embody the concept. i.e., you can teach your son to accept apologies from others by teaching him to do the following:

As another example, you can teach your daughter how to offer help when a classmate has dropped her books:

  • Ask your classmate if you may help pick up his books & papers.
  • Listen to what your classmate needs, such as help finding a certain homework paper.
  • Agree to help find the paper & to pick up the rest of the books.
  • Stay with your classmate until all his books are picked up.

When you put the abstract into concrete behavioral steps, it's much easier for children to understand. And remember: If you want your children to be caring individuals, it's imperative that you be one yourself.

Two great resources you can use to learn about the behavioral steps associated w/social skills include Teaching Social Skills to Youth & Basic Social Skills for Youth.

Be Careful With My Heart

Please be careful
Did you know that in your hands
You hold my bleeding heart?
My feelings run so deep
Within my soul
A feeling that I thought was forever lost
A feeling I thought I would
Never experience again
Only this time
My feelings are stronger
A feeling of total comfort and wholeness
I can feel it whenever you are near
Your scent intoxicates me.
Like a moth to a flame
I am drawn to you
But it seems as now your light
Is burning me…slowly…
Maybe you don't realize
My feelings towards you
And maybe you don't understand
What that night meant to me
And how long I had dreamt
Of a night like that
And how long I had waited…
I thought I truly meant something to you
I thought you desired me
Just as I desire you…
Now I feel like a fool
For believing such things.
Now all I have left are memories…
Memories of that beautiful night…
When I shared a piece of myself…
My soul…
And in hopes
That my feelings were reciprocated
I guess I was wrong…
Wrong to imagine such things
I have come to the realization
That maybe we will never be more
Than just close friends…
And maybe someday
That could develop into
Something more.
But the future is so uncertain.
Just please be careful…
Be careful with my heart
Since you are still holding it
In your hands…
The same hands that held me
On that beautiful night.

Grandkids Don't Wear Out Grandma After All

ScienceDaily (May 30, 2007) Despite previous research findings that showed negative health impacts on grandmothers who care for their grandchildren, new research conducted by Linda Waite, the Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago & researchers at 3 other universities shows caring for grandchildren generally doesn't have dramatic and widespread negative impacts on grandparents’ health.

The research finds that some grandparents are already ill before they begin caring for grandchildren and others don’t experience a health change.

Waite & her colleagues based their work on a study of nearly 13,000 grandparents between the ages of 50 and 80.

A large literature suggests that the exertion and stress associated with fulfilling these demands [of caring for grandchildren] will exact a health toll,” the authors wrote. The previous research argued that caring for grandchildren created physical demands that coincided with the onset of aging. It also suggested potential indirect effects on health, such as increased stress, less time for self-care and reduced employment.

However, scholars involved in the current study found that even in cases where grandparents provide primary care for their grandchildren, their health is generally not undermined by the responsibility. The results of their study are published in the paper, “All in the Family: The Impact of Caring for Grandchildren on Grandparents’ Health,” which appears in the current issue of the Journal of Gerontology: Social Science.

Much of the earlier research was done on relatively small samples of grandparents and often included grandparents who cared for grandchildren whose mothers had become involved in drugs or were incarcerated. The current study shows that in many cases, the older person’s health already was compromised before they began caring for their grandchildren.

For the current study, the team used data from telephone and in-person interviews with grandparents during a 4 -year period from 1998 to 2002, as part of the federally funded Health and Retirement Study. The Health and Retirement Study is the premier data set on health, retirement and the well being of older adults. It began in 1992, and it now includes more than 20,000 respondents who are interviewed bi-annually.

The team looked at exercise, obesity, alcohol use, smoking, depressive symptoms, self-rated health, chronic conditions and functional limitations. Because of the size of the sample, they were able to control for gender, age, race and ethnicity as well as education and wealth. Unlike many studies, the researchers were also able to control for grandparents’ initial health.

The team found that of the 13,000 grandparents they studied, 29% of the grandmothers & 22% of the grandfathers provided at least 50 hours of care per year for grandchildren who didn't live with them. 7% of grandmothers & 5% of grandfathers lived with their children & grandchildren & fewer than 3% of the grandparents lived in homes with grandchildren whose parents weren't present.

They did find that grandmothers who began caring for grandchildren whose parents weren't present in the home reported initial declines in some aspects of health. “But those who continued with the arrangements saw a modest improvement, suggesting the negative effect of starting this kind of care giving disappears as the arrangement continues,” the researchers wrote.

We find increases in depressive symptoms and declines in self-related health for grandmothers who begin skipped generation care, but no change in the other health dimensions we examined. We find a small improvement in self-rated health for grandmothers who continue this kind of care,” noted the lead author for the paper Mary Elizabeth Hughes, Assistant Professor at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

Among other care-giving arrangements, such as babysitting, the team found no evidence that caring for grandchildren undermined grandparents’ health. “These findings suggest that health declines aren't an inevitable consequence of grandchild care,” the authors wrote. In fact, health declines for grandparent caregivers are very much the exception.

The authors note that grandparents who provide custodial care are in worse health to begin with, which raises concerns about how long they may be able to provide this care without support and assistance from others.

Other authors of this paper are Tracey LaPierre, Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Kansas, and Ye Luo, Assistant Professor of Sociology, University of North Florida.

The National Institute on Aging funded this research.

Adapted from materials provided by University of Chicago.

source: click here

Caring for One Another in Our Family

Young children, adolescents & parents all need to hear praise & feel affirmation from those special members of their family. The younger child develops positive feelings about themselves from those showing care. The adolescent strengthens his/her self-concept from the healthy statements or gestures showing care.

 

How do we reach out to our family showing care & love? What are loving & caring words or gestures? In healthy families, support for family members is one of the pillars of bonding.

 

The following activity allows your family the opportunity to hear praise & feel affirmation from members of the family. You may use this activity many times during a day or week, especially when family members are trying new skills or need special attention.

 

Activity : Let’s Share Caring in Our Family

 

Do it: Have the family member practice a skill or talk about how they feel at a specific time in their life.

 

Examples might include:

  • a young child dresses herself for the first time
  • a teenager indicates she's under school pressure
  • a parent has too many things to do

Listen carefully & ask supporting questions that show care.

 

Share it: Have each person talk about what they experienced. Share reactions & observations.

 

Ask questions:

  • How did you feel doing this activity?
  • What was the hardest part?
  • The easiest?
  • What did you like best?
  • What did you learn about yourself?
  • About our family?

Process: Discuss themes, problems & issues. Encourage family members to say positive things about the new skill.

  • Were there common or similar learnings?
  • How did other family members respond?

Generalize:

  • Identify conclusions reached in your family.
  • Emphasize principles that apply to "real life."
  • Focus on what's important to your family.

Some questions might be:

  • How does this learning relate to other things in our family?
  • What conclusions come from this discussion?
  • What are important outcomes?

Apply: Concentrate on how the new learning can be applied to everyday situations. Discuss how this family discussion can be useful in the future.

  • What are specific family situations where this new learning might be used?
  • How do family members think their learning might be different 5 years from now?

Families that show care for one another think about each other’s well-being. They know they can depend on each other for encouragement & support.

8 Ways to Raise a Caring Child

Can your preschooler read the facial expressions of other people, & identify them as happy, sad, scared or angry?

A new study published in the October 2002 issue of the Journal of Child Psychology & Psychiatry suggests that 3 & 4 year-olds who have trouble recognizing different emotions may be more likely than their more perceptive peers to behave aggressively once they start school.

According to researchers, the results show that the connections between emotional understanding & behavioral problems begin early in a child's development.

Young children are just beginning to learn about their own feelings. It's a huge leap to learn that other people have feelings too. But it's important for children to begin the process of developing empathy, which means to know & care about other people's feelings, at an early age. Here are some basic lessons in emotional awareness for young children.

1. Be an attentive parent. Respond to your children's emotions. When you pay attention to their emotions, they experience empathy first hand, from the beginning.

2. Label your children's feelings. Say, "It's nice to see you so happy," during smiling moments or, "Oh that's so frustrating," when a child is frazzled by a puzzle & beginning to "lose it."

3. Label your own feelings. Say, "I feel sad," when your child is injured or, "That hurts my feelings," when a child says unkind words to you.

4. Validate feelings. As in: "I can see why you're angry. You wanted to keep playing, but now it's time for a nap." This shows that you can see the world from your child's eyes.

5. Stop aggressive behavior & let your child know how you feel about it. When your child hits another child say, "You can't do that. You're hurting Susan."

Young children may not yet understand how others feel when they are hit (pushed, shoved or whatever), but they do understand when parents strongly disapprove of their behavior & they can begin to see that the disapproval is linked to their hurtful behavior toward others.

6. Teach your child to see things thru other people's eyes. When your child hits someone, say "How do you think Susan feels when you hit her?" or "How would you feel if Susan, or someone else, hit you?"

7. Care for victims. When a child is hurt by another child, immediately stop the aggressive behavior & attend to the "victim." This shows caring & concern.

8. Teach thru play. Playing w/dolls is a great way for girls & boys to learn about caring for others. Caring for others can also be taught & encouraged in the context of many types of imaginary & expressive play, such as artwork or puppetry.

Your Wife’s Need For Caring Conversation

It’s a strange thing. I rarely have a man ask me,

“Why doesn’t my wife talk to me?”

What I do hear is almost always the opposite,

“Why doesn’t my husband talk to me?”

It’s something of an axiom that men don't have as great a desire for conversation with their wives as women do w/ their husbands.

Casual observation bears out the fact that women, in general, enjoy conversation for its own sake. As any husband can attest, it’s not uncommon for women to spend hours on the phone with one another.

Men, on the other hand, rarely call one another just to chat or to be brought up to date. Meetings, activities & other gatherings where the purpose is to talk about personal concerns seem to bring great pleasure to most women.

Unlike women, when men gather they tend to talk about practical matters such as sports, news & their jobs. They enjoy exchanging jokes & anecdotes but generally don't take pleasure in talking about themselves or their feelings.

What truly amazes women is that this is generally not the case when a man is dating. Perhaps the obvious reason is that he's trying to make a good impression. He is eagerly attempting to demonstrate his ability to be funny, witty & charming.

To her great delight, he may even become uncharacteristically curious about her likes & dislikes, her interests, her feelings & even problems. He will attempt to learn what makes her happy & content.

When he can't be with her he may even do the unthinkable of regularly phoning to convey his love. Of course, when any woman is on the receiving end of this kind of verbal attention she keenly senses that he deeply loves & cares for her.

In her psyche, when this kind of caring conversation is blended with affection, it results in her feeling united with the other person. It bonds her together with him like cement.

As wonderful as the results are the majority of men paradoxically stop one or both of these practices once the marital knot is tied. To make matters worse, when the knot begins to come loose, they're prone to blame everything & everyone but themselves.

It’s as if they have totally forgotten that it was these very things that brought them together in the first place.

By the time a distressed couple enter the counselor’s office, it usually has begun to dawn on the husband that he has let the pressures of life divert him form his first priority: that is, loving his wife.

In looking back, he must humbly confess that somewhere along the way he developed an,

 “I can take my wife for granted”

attitude. When consistent, loving conversation stopped the marriage began to fade into a humdrum existence that led to disappointment & disillusionment.

To circumvent this kind of marital pain, a husband must be willing to accept the fact that outside of affection, women desperately need loving conversation. It's critical to her sense of security & happiness in the marriage.

Secondly, a believing husband must be willing to embrace the truth that loving conversation is perhaps one of the greatest ways that he practically carry out Christ’s command to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25).

For those who may plead ignorance as to what Scripture has to say about caring conversation, the following is for you:

DO’S

1) Be a ready listener. Answer only after the other person has finished talking.

2) Be slow to speak. Think carefully about what you want to say.

3) Speak in such a way that the other person can understand & accept what you say.

4) Speak the truth in love; be tactful & constructive.

5) Explain why you're hesitant to talk at this time. Assure them that you'll address the matter at a later time.

6) Use a soft & kind response. Attack the problem & not the person.

7) Refuse to quarrel & argue.

8) Be willing to show respect for your mate’s opinion.

9) If you have offended your mate be quick to ask for their forgiveness.

10) If you’ve reached an impasse, agree to involve a godly counselor in resolving the issue.

DON’TS

1) Don’t interrupt.

2) Don’t be hasty in your words.

3) Don’t clam up.

4) Don’t use silence to punish the other person.

5) Don’t blow up.

6) Don’t belittle or name call when in conflict.

7) Don’t blame or criticize the other person.

8) Don’t monopolize the conversation.

9) Don’t try to get even.

10) Don’t resurrect the past.

11) Don’t use sweeping generalities (i.e. never, always, etc.)

12) Don’t refuse to admit when you're wrong.

It has been said that good communication is the most important thing. I would say that is the only thing! Without it, love can't be completely expressed. Without it, problems can't be solved. Without it, a relationship will ultimately be doomed for disappointment & heartache.

Husbands, make it a point to take an inventory with your wife. Ask her to honestly tell you how you're doing in this area of your marriage. Ask her if she thinks you're demonstrating love to her thru caring conversation.

If there's a need for change, be willing to make it.

The caring child: How to teach empathy
Approved by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

By Mary VanClay

What to expect at this age
Kids don't have the cognitive skills to truly understand the concept of empathy until they're 8 or 9. But 5 year-olds, usually highly preoccupied with fairness, are concerned about being treated well & they want others, friends, strangers, even characters in books, to be treated well too.

Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do
Label the feeling. Your kindergartner will be able to understand & manage her emotions much better if she can recognize her feelings.

 

So put a name to her behavior as often as you can. Say, for instance,

 

"It was very kind of you to talk to that boy who was all alone on the swing. He might have been feeling lonely."

 

By hearing that you noticed her behavior, she'll learn that you recognize & value her responsiveness. She needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when your 5-year-old's being less than caring. Try saying,

 

"It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

 

Another way to teach your kindergartner to understand & define her emotions is to have a "feeling of the week."

 

Each week, put up on the refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone experiencing a basic emotion: sadness, happiness, surprise, anger.

 

Work your way up to more complicated emotions, such as frustration, nervousness & jealousy (clip magazine photos or illustrations that capture these feelings). Talk with your child about times when she felt the same way.

Praise empathetic behavior. When your kindergartner performs an act of kindness
, tell her what she did right & be as specific as possible:

 

"You were very generous to share your special stickers w/Tommy. I saw him smiling & I know he was happy."

Encourage your kindergartner to talk about her feelings  & yours. Let her know that you care about how she feels by listening intently.

 

If she has a story about someone else:

 

"Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese & I don't think that was fair."

 

listen to her views before offering your own. And when she says she's mad, paraphrase what she says,

 

"Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" 

 

so she knows you're listening & feels encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with her:

 

"It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry."

 

This is also a fine time to share some of your feelings that don't relate to your child's actions. You can say,

 

"I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today"

or

"I got annoyed w/Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends."

 

Your 5 year-old will learn that adults have feelings & emotions too, that they're a normal part of life & that learning to cope w/them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your kindergartner to notice when someone else has behaved kindly
. You might say, for example,

 

"Remember how friendly your new teacher was on the first day of school? She helped you feel less scared."

 

 

By doing this, you reinforce her understanding of how people's actions can affect her emotionally. Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your 5-year-old how she thinks the children in a fairy tale are feeling & whether she thinks she'd be scared or brave in the same situation. Tell her how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues.
At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you & your 5 year-old can sit & observe others w/out being rude.

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