How capable are teens?

One of the 1st things teens must do is to start making their own decisions.

e.g., can begin to decide what to buy with their own money or who'll be their friend. To do this they must put a little distance between themselves and their parents.

Adolescents also need to be around other adults, both male and female; relatives, neighbors, or teachers. Of course, they should be positive role models. Teenagers can learn from them about things like how to fix the car, getting along with others or ideas for future jobs. 

What seems evident is that older adolescents and young adults enter transitions with the goal of becoming independently functioning adults, as they strive to meet evolving personal and career related needs.

The emotional and social changes adolescents experience can challenge young people as they try to cope with barriers in the education system and labor market.

Friends provide emotional support, but this is a time when friendship patterns are changing.

Parents are needed for emotional, material and informational support, but, at the same time, they need to allow young people sufficient room to develop their own sense of identity.

Coping with relationship issues can be facilitated through communication, human relationship training and problem solving, which blurs most of the traditional distinction between career and personal counseling.

Teens

As you read through these developmental descriptions of what parents need to consider in their evaluations of how capable their teens are.... think about all the times you wonder "why" your parents think the way they do....

It's difficult for anyone to be sure about how much responsibility a teen should have, but emotionally speaking, teens must experience many different situations to be emotionally capable of dealing or coping with situations that revolve around relationships or love.

Think about it...

• how emotionally ready for marriage were your parents?

• are they still married?

• do they have a good marriage?

• how are their parenting abilities?

• do you think they weren't capable of making sound choices because of their lack of emotional maturity when they got married?

Today's youth are put into situations where they must make important, often split-second decisions about things like cigarette or alcohol use, breaking laws, or whether to join in activities that are hurtful or helpful and respectful - of others.

parents... how well have you prepared your teen for that very moment?

We all hope that our youth will not hesitate to do the right thing in these situations.

Adults can help prepare youth to make good, healthy choices. Kids and teens learn best through practice, so give youth chances to practice making decisions under your guidance.

Start by giving kids responsibility for making choices on matters that involve little or no risk, such as how to style their hair, hobbies, etc. As youth grow, they're capable of taking responsibility for decisions on more important matters.

Even preteens will benefit from the experience of working thru some tough decisions on their own. Parents should step in if a decision involves serious risk, but otherwise, it's important to let youth take responsibility and experience the consequences, both good and bad, of their choices.

Are you giving youth chances to practice making decisions on their own?

Showing Power

Parents sometimes use power (or the abuse of power) as a quick fix, a way to make a child react. Although a show of power can produce results, it carries with it very undesirable side effects.

The parent, by using power to control a child, is in effect saying to the child,

"I don't believe that you're capable of solving the problem without being nagged."

This attitude from a parent is inviting a power struggle. The child rebels against being controlled and coerced and challenges the parents power by asserting their own... and the battle begins.

The parent is determined to win the battle by demanding obedience and in the end, the child begins to feel dependent and weak rather than obedient.

Am I being as capable as I can be?

Am I thinking about all the possible consequences of my actions before making a choice?

I want to have adult responsibilities and liberties, am i choosing to act like an adult or to the best of my abilities?

Being capable of doing something requires an educational process.

• have you listened to your parents and soaked in the information they were trying to teach you? or...
• did you block out everything they said so you could beat feet out the door without an argument?

Being capable is a growth process. You must grow by experiencing the process of taking in information, learning to make wise choices by considering the consequences and then proving that you're capable of performing whatever task is at hand.

Are You Supporting Your Son?
Answers For Quiz 1

Parents can use the following strategies to deal with the challenges of raising boys & to forge a closer & more successful relationship with their sons.

What we really want is for our boys to become strong, authentic individuals, to become capable both of acting heroically & of maintaining strong affectionate relationships to spouses, children, parents, co-workers, neighbors & friends.

1. It's important to spend at least 20 minutes giving my son my undivided attention each day
Answer: TRUE

It's vital that you show your son on a consistent basis that you're emotionally & physically available to him. He'll learn to trust that you're there for him & may be more willing to open up to you & discuss things that are bothering him.

This doesn't mean that if you travel or are otherwise unable to spend time with your son every day, that you'll lose your connection to him, but you need to do your best to be consistent.

Those few minutes a day are best when they're spent together doing something - connection thru action. This means that rather than nudging a boy to sit down & share his feelings with us, we begin simply by joining him in an activity that he enjoys.

Often simply by doing something with the boy - playing a game with him, joining him for a duet on the piano, taking him to an amusement park -- we forge a connection that then enables him to open up. In the middle of the game, the duet, the Ferris wheel ride, a boy may often feel close & safe enough to share the feelings he’d otherwise like to keep hidden.

Even at a very young age, boys may show their love not so much with words but with action. Boys are more likely to connect with adults when they're engaged in meaningful & relevant activities - things they enjoy doing.

Once they feel that they're sharing a pleasant experience with you, this will open the door for a wide variety of discussions, which can center around your shared activities. As your mutual trust level increases, you can broach other topics that are harder to discuss.

Often it's what your son doesn't say that'll give you a greater insight into what he's feeling.

Look for the emotions that your son's hiding & what behaviors he's displaying. Try to get behind his mask. If your son believes that you really do understand what it's like for him within male peer culture - that you understand the ways he can get teased & mistreated for breaking the old "Boy Code" - he'll be more open to learning the empathy & other emotional skills you're probably eager to impart to him.

There are many ways that we can learn to understand a boy’s deepest feelings & experience, to come to know who he really is & to help him love & feel comfortable with his genuine self.

Learn how to accept a boy’s own emotional schedule. Boys who do share their feelings often take longer to do so than girls do. Whereas a girl might share her feelings as soon as she is asked what is wrong, a boy will often refuse (or ignore us) the first time he’s approached.

We have to learn how to give the boy the time he needs & how to recognize in his words & actions the signals that he's ready to talk. A boy’s need to be silent & then his subsequent readiness to share what he's feeling is what we will call the timed silence syndrome.

It’s the boy who usually needs to set the clock himself, to determine how much time he needs to remain silent before opening up to share his feelings. If we learn to become sensitive to each boy’s unique timing, we become better at respecting how he copes with emotions & make it more possible for him to be honest about the feelings behind the mask.

3. It isn't appropriate for my son to see me crying. Answer: FALSE

When you model a range of emotions to your son (whether you're male or female) you're showing him thru your actions that emotions are acceptable.

We can often help boys take off their masks by telling them stories about our own experiences. We can tell them our "war stories" about when we were young & had to deal with life’s ups & downs, or we can share recent experiences that challenged us.

Even if our boy groans or rolls his eyes when we begin to share our story, he almost always benefits from the empathy that telling the story inevitably conveys. By discovering that, "yes," we've felt scared, embarrassed or disappointed, the boy begins to feel less ashamed of his own vulnerable feelings. He feels our empathy & discovers that we understand, love & respect the real boy in him.

Research has shown that at birth & for several months afterward, male infants are actually more emotionally expressive than female babies.

By the time boys reach elementary school much of their emotionally expressiveness has been lost or gone underground. How you treat a boy has a powerful impact on who he becomes.

He's as much a product of nurturing as he is of nature. If we want boys to become more empathic, we must be more empathic towards them.

Many parents have asked what triggers this remarkable transformation of boys showing less emotion. Recent research points to 2 primary causes for this change & both of them grow out of assumptions about & attitudes toward boys that are deeply ingrained in the codes of our society.

The first reason is the use of shame in the toughening-up process by which it's assumed boys need to be raised. Little boys are made to feel ashamed of their feelings, guilty about feelings of weakness, vulnerability, fear & despair.

The second reason is the separation process as it applies to boys, the emphasis society places on a boy's separating emotionally from his mother at an unnecessarily early age, usually by the time boys are 6 & then again in adolescence.

4. If I get too close to my son he'll become a sissy. Answer: FALSE

Years of psychological research confirm what we all know - that the more love small children receive from their parents, the more confidence they gain in themselves as individuals. A mother's love can help a boy become more self-reliant & more adventurous.

Far from making boys weaker, the love of a mother can & does actually make boys stronger, emotionally & psychologically. Far from making boys dependent, the base of safety a loving mother can create - a connection that her son can rely on all his life - provides a boy with the courage to explore the outside world.

But most important, far from making a boy act in "girl-like" ways, a loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity - the self-esteem & strength of character he needs to feel confident in his own masculine self.

Interactions between fathers & sons are, as we know, crucially important in a boy's life, but they don't always look the same as between mother & son.

Fathers tend to develop their own loving style of teaching, guiding & playing with their boys. For many fathers, this new type of generative, nurturant fathering feels confusing. That's OK.

Fathers provide a flexible surface for their sons to bounce off, a play space with elastic but firm limits, a secure sense of love expressed not just in words but also thru actions. Fathers can neutralize their son's rebelliousness & teach boys (& often mothers too) an action-oriented language of fatherly love.

There's not one single healthy path to mature masculinity. Boys' self-esteem - which is, of course, as essential to their emotional growth & academic achievement as it is to girls - is dependent not upon macho displays of competitive aggression, but on having their "real" voices heard & genuine selves responded to with deep understanding.

Habits of thought in society confuse us into imagining that close relationships aren't central to boys' normal growth & development, & that a boy's only possible path to healthy adult masculinity is thru self-reliance, autonomy & solitude.

5. My son will tell me if he wants to be closer emotionally. Answer: FALSE

The early ability to "attach" - in the terminology of psychologists - refers to a child's capacity to develop intimate, powerful emotional bonds to others, such as his mother & father & his peers.

Research shows that boys have this ability as much as girls do, yet their typical attachment styles often differ from those of girls. On the whole, boys tend to seek attachment less thru asking for it directly & more by trying to bring it about indirectly or thru action.

The fact is that boys experience deep subliminal yearnings for connection - a hidden yearning for relationship - that makes them long to be close to parents, teachers, coaches, friends & family. Boys are full of love & empathy for others & long to stay "attached" to their parents & closest mentors. These yearnings, in turn, can empower parents & professionals to become more deeply connected to the boys in their lives.

Parents need to follow their instincts about their son's need for love & nurturing. Mothers & fathers need to feel secure that there's no such thing as giving their son too much love.

Within appropriate limits, you'll never spoil a boy by showing him affection or by providing him w/the freedom to follow his own path.

6. Most boys are just fine & don’t have problems that need adult involvement.
Trick question: TRUE & FALSE

Yes, this was a bit of a trick question. Most boys do seem fine. They have friends, are involved in school & don’t make a lot of trouble for the teachers.

Sadly, what seems fine could in fact be a boy who's successful at masking his feelings. The challenge we, as adults, face is to be able to understand the difference. The parents of school-yard murders Dylan Kleibold & Andy Williams thought their sons were "doing all right."

The starting place for parents - as well as for teachers & other mentors for our boys - is to become sensitive to the early signs of masking feelings.

These signs include everything from bad grades to rowdy behavior, from "seeming quiet" to manifesting symptoms of depression, from using drugs or alcohol to becoming a perpetrator or victim of violence & sometimes, the mask may accompany the mantra that "everything is fine."

The power of love can dispel the myth that, in boys, nature & nurture are at odds, or indeed, have distinct separate influences on a boy & his life. The way we interact with boys & the connections we make with them, can have a permanent effect on a boy's brain & his social behavior. Scientists have found that early emotional interaction can actually alter a boy's brain-based biological processes.

7. The "Boys Code" impacts all boys. Answer: TRUE

The "Boy Code" is so strong, yet so subtle, in its influence that many boys may not know they're living their lives in accordance with it. It's just about impossible to conquer any problem if it's never discussed. So talk openly about the Boy Code with your son.

Tell him what you like & don't like about it. Discuss the new double standard of masculinity that calls on boys to be "nice guys," but then pushes them to act like "toughies."

Tell your boy about the bind that places you in as a parent. Explain how much you'd like him to become an empathic, caring man, but also be sure to discuss what you know about the "real world" & share with him how hard a place you know it can be.

8. It's important to expose my son to different role models of masculinity.
Answer: TRUE

When boys act in less than conventionally "masculine" ways, their peers - both boys & girls - can be quick to tighten the laces on their gender straitjackets. Some parents, teachers, coaches & other mentors also act in ways that reinforce society's myths about masculinity by letting boys know when they're violating the Boy Code.

We need to develop a new code for real boys, gender-informed schools & a more gender-savvy society where both boys & girls are drawn out to be themselves. When you give your son a sense that there's no one single way of being "manly," you're helping him develop confidence about who he really is.

You're letting him know that no matter what he enjoys doing, whom he likes spending time with & what sorts of feelings he experiences, he's a "real boy" on his way to being a "real man." Expose boys to people who bend society's strict gender roles. Boys especially benefit from getting to know male "role models" who exude masculinity in a genuine & expansive way.

9. Boys need adults who will be advocates for them. --
Answer:TRUE

Though boys may exhibit bravado & braggadocio, they find it more difficult to express their genuine selves even in private, with friends & family.

Their voices, as loud & forceful as they may sound, may not reveal what's really in their hearts & souls. Instead, most boys - whether in public or private - tend to act confident  & contented & even brag about their abilities.

While we may joke about how adult males won’t ask for directions when they're lost, it's no laughing matter that so many of our boys feel they can’t reach out for the emotional compass they so desperately need.

There is much we can do to support & connect with our boys. We can become aware of the boy stereotypes even the best of us carry in our minds & consciously work to eliminate them from society, from our thinking & our language.

We can learn to recognize the words that boys use when something's troubling them but they feel they can’t talk about it - the "I’m fine" that actually means things are really not fine. We can learn how to get our sons to talk, without demanding or pressuring them to, by finding the safe spaces that'll allow them to open up & express themselves:

We can better anticipate the situations that might cause the feelings of vulnerability & fear - the first day of school, the big test, the gym class, the school trip, the illness of a friend, the move to a new place, the doctor’s appointment & find ways that'll prepare a boy for them in advance & allow him to talk about them after the fact.

Above all, we can begin to teach connection as the basis of a new male model.

10. My son doesn't need a mentor, he has me. Answer: FALSE

Growing up as a boy brings its own special difficulties, but the good news is that boys can & do overcome them when & if they feel connected to their families, friends & communities. Many, if not most boys, maintain an inner well-spring of connectedness, a resilience, that helps to sustain them. Sometimes these affective ties are formed with special male friends - boys "chumships."

Boys may also forge empathic & meaningful friendships with girls & young women, relationships that are often platonic. This intense power to connect to parents & others is part of the "potency of connection" that needs to be at the heart of a revised real-boy code.

Thru the potency of connection a boy can be helped to become himself, to grow into manhood in his own individual way - to be fully the "real boy" we know he is.

However, many parents feel threatened when their son looks to another adult for guidance & advice. Mentors can & should be an important part of raising boys. Often it is the mentor to whom your son will really open up.

Some schools have formalized mentoring programs & assign to each boy an adult mentor who is sensitive & empathic to that boy’s unique personality & interests. i.e., the mentor for a boy who loves sports might be one of the gym teachers, whereas the mentor for the boy who loves poetry might be the English teacher.

By assigning a mentor whose interests mirror the interests of the boy, the boy gains an adult friend with whom he can talk, somebody with whom he might feel comfortable sharing his deepest feelings & thoughts. Get to know your son’s mentor - together you can help him develop a deeper connection to himself & society.

The material in this quiz was adapted from "Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood," by Dr. William Pollack.

• How willing am I to trust my real self to my partner?
• What will it take?
• Do I feel worthwhile?
• Should I risk the effort of reentering a relationship without a guarantee?
• Could I endure the feeling of not immediately knowing the results of my efforts?

What makes this process difficult for each of us is that we've developed a fundamental orientation toward interpersonal relations, thoughts, feelings & behaviors to expect in the present what we've experienced in the past.

It takes renewed courage & work to challenge these biases & risk reentry into our relationship. When mind & heart work together, the change is already in motion, converting anxiety into compassion.

A compassionate person can no longer look at the destructive qualities of the other without seeing them as an opportunity for self-restoration & restoration of the other.

I invite you to take time out & think. Do you want to restore this relationship? Then stay put, relax, be quiet for a few minutes & listen attentively to your own struggle. I know it's difficult to take these initial steps.

You may doubt your own abilities, your own strength. You may wish to find someone, some charismatic professional to solve your problem. However, when you cease listening to external voices & allow your soul to speak, you may come to sense that in the midst of your sadness there is joy, in the midst of your confusion there's direction, in the midst of your fear there's peace, in the midst of your helplessness there's strength.

It's your strength that needs to be applied once you've said yes. You aren't a puppet on a string waiting for someone to pull and push you into a performance. I can't push you into anything. Nobody has that right. You're in charge of your life, as you ought to be.

You can make things happen; you can create the difference - not in a selfish or capricious manner to serve your personal interests, but in an intentional way to seek reconciliation.

A miracle? Yes, a miracle that you will make possible for yourself. Are you still in doubt? Then try to repeat, at least 3 times a day, a statement by the incomparable Martha Graham:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there's only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it'll never exist through any other medium and will be lost."

If you believe that within you there's a vitality, an energy that can be translated into action, it's time to stand tall and seek healing. Make the first move. Be the first to start the restoration process.

"But that's not fair!" you protest. Fair or not, one person has to care enough about the relationship to take that first step-maybe even by going all the way to meet the other partner.

Since you're the one reading this book, the responsibility falls on your shoulders. Of course, total success will come when both partners work at restoration. If you do diligently what's required of you and your partner remains totally unresponsive, the relationship will suffer; however, you yourself will have peace, knowing that you've done everything possible to restore the relationship.

Ponder the following suggestions one at a time and try to consider a good way to apply each one. If one isn't working, have faith that there's more to learn. As you think about these suggestions and apply them, your skills will improve and you'll realize what else is needed.

Focus on the process, not the outcome. Growth takes place in spurts. If you concentrate on the degree of success of each idea, you'll become anxious. You can't insist that your efforts have predictable outcomes.

Remind yourself that you're on a journey during which you hope to restore your relationship. Don't be in a hurry to arrive at your destination. You're in a state of restoration, you have a feeling that you could have a better relationship, which is your ultimate goal.

Straighten your shoulders, walk more resolutely, face and talk to your partner with energy and verve. Feel those emotions that lead to harmony. Most of all, try to cherish the process; don't hurry the journey at all.

For Your Consideration

Learn the language of love. Saying yes implies that you're willing to give your relationship a new chance. A new chance implies a different approach to relating with your partner to attain positive results.

You may need to start speaking gently; you're speaking to a human being, not to an object. You need a different language, the language of love. Be lovable. Our deepest human need is to be loved, to be engaged. It's a wonderful feeling when someone truly loves you.

You still need to be loved by your partner even though you've been deeply hurt in the relationship. Naturally, you're afraid that you may be rejected and hurt again. It can happen. But the possibility of being hurt again is far less dangerous to you in the long run than loneliness.

Give the gift of love. In a new beginning, if you come into the relationship as a lovable person, it's unlikely that you'll be rejected. You're sensitive; your partner is sensitive. Looking at each other with hostility or suspicion, or harboring an ulterior motive can make you both very fragile. Bring new life into the relationship by offering the gift of love, not just to your partner, not just to yourself, but to the relationship.

Monitor your demands. If you expect your partner to fulfill all your needs, you're asking for more than any single human being can provide. You'll have greater success if you nurture the emerging needs of your relationship. Be caring and loving.

Approach your partner with a sense of gentle openness, welcoming the opportunity to make this contact with caring and loving feelings. Focus on your goal as you release everything that you've been told is impossible or unrealistic and allow yourself the freedom to make your new contact with your partner possible for you.

Make haste slowly. Don't be too eager to express all your emotions and ideas at your first encounter. Become interested in the response of your partner and appreciate what the present makes available to you. Remove assumptions.

Assumptions are obstacles created by the mind. i.e.; Other people have better relationships than I do. Many human interactions are free from problems. A conflict in a relationship is abnormal and destructive and therefore it should be avoided.

Good relationships go more smoothly. Why are they so happy and we are so tense and miserable? Beware of the control concept. No one wants to be controlled by another.

Mind-driven statements such as:

• "I know how much we can spend!" 
• "I know I'm right on this."

are much more stressful than heart-driven comments such as:

• "Let's figure this out together."

Try not to change your partner. People change if they realize that a change is necessary, not because you tell them to change. Part of change can be to discover, even slowly, the joy of sharing

source: selfgrowth.com