the positive outcomes of conflict

The Potential in Conflict

Congressman Tony Hall is leading an effort to apologize for this country's support of slavery and to establish a commission to study further steps to reconciliation, beyond the apology.

Our nation can formally apologize through the Legislative Branch of Government. People, though, often apologize after they've understood how their actions have affected others and only then can healing begin.

The suggested commission carries the opportunity for the people to process their understanding of each other, especially if it creates avenues for dialogue.

An agreement to apologize for slavery only partially taps the potential inherent in this historical conflict. To manage conflicts by just "settling" or "agreeing", is selling the potential in conflict short.

Individuals and even communities in conflict often refuse to come together and talk because they say they've settled the problem. They're still angry, frustrated and confused, but they've settled.

People can do more. Whether it's for the "sake of the kids" or the community or just your own peace of mind, know that a facilitated dialogue can clarify how you got there, reduce your anger and allow you to go on.

Whether you get back together or even agree on anything, the way you relate in that dialogue holds promise for constructive dialogue in the future.

Properly facilitated, dialogue can transform nations (e.g. South Africa), communities and individuals. Inherent in properly facilitated dialogue is a supportive process for each person's own decision making process.

This support provides for each person an opportunity to decide who is to be in the room, what's to be talked about and how people will talk to each other. This support is grounded in the facilitator's belief that the persons in the dispute are capable of understanding themselves, can be compassionate towards others and are capable of making their own decisions.

I support decisions, judgments and settlements resulting from our traditional ways of managing conflict. I also support a mediation process that respectfully helps people clarify their experience. To agree to remove a flag from a capital building or to apologize for slavery is important, but such agreements don't touch the deeper compassion people have for each other. People in conflict have an opportunity to connect in a positive and constructive manner. To accept less is to fail to see the potential we have to heal our communities and ourselves through conflict.

The Gift of Conflict

"No man is an island"

said John Donne in 1624 and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say,

"...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."

The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing,

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe."

Indeed there's a seamless web to which we’re all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows thru all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.

And yet, if we’re all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we’re inevitably in relationship w/all things & all peoples.

What’s the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind & in the world ultimately take on 1 of 3 forms:

·        we're either neutral

·        we like

·        we dislike

It seems self-evident that we’d want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible:

we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us.

But this betrays an important truth:

Some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we can’t stand to be around.

And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities.

They force us to grow, to learn and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life.

Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas.

For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact within a loving manner and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows thru us all.

Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:

·        Seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do.

Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do.

None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" & not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)

·        If someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail.  

What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?"

That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate.

He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation.

However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him.

He realized that his spiritual training hadn't touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
 

·    Learn to see each person you meet as your teacher.  

• What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor?

Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you’re open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked,

"Such women will always have much to teach."

Yes and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.

·        Look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of?  

Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of?

If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.

So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life!

Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.

conflict in marital relationships

Resolving Conflict, Creating Solutions

Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples shouldn’t have disagreements.

At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, our view is that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships & moreover they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal & relational growth. 

From this perspective, conflict isn’t something to be avoided or minimized but rather to be embraced as a signal that something needs to change or grow in either or both people.

However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you’re experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you’re unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as, “Couples Therapy” to resolve.

To resolve an ongoing conflict:

1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You can’t solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.

Examples of poorly defined conflicts:

·        "You're a slob"

·        "The house is a mess"

·        "You always run up the credit cards"

Examples of well-defined conflicts:

·        "I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"

·        "I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts & started saving for retirement"

2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns & each of you state your feelings & thoughts on the issue.

• Take as long as it takes for you to state your position & feel that your partner has really heard you

• Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always

• Don’t go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one

3. Brainstorm at least 5 possible solutions, preferably more.

• Be creative!

• Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible

• Write down all the solutions

4. Go thru the Solution List together & pick one that you BOTH agree to try.

• There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on

• You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try

• Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated & changed if it doesn’t meet both partners' needs.

5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.

Example of poorly defined solution statement:

• "We'll put on music & clean the house when it gets dirty"

Example of well-defined solution statement:

• "Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for 2 hours. I’ll vacuum the living room & clean the bathroom; you’ll dump the garbage & clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."

6. Agree on a specific date & time (usually w/in 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.

·        Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review

·        Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you

·        Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution

·        If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.

excerpt: Sustaining Long Term Relationships

Resolving conflicts

No 2 people want the same thing, not at every choice point. So, there are unavoidable conflicts in all relationships. Of course, both people may hide & deny the conflicts.

Sometimes, one person is a martyr & will always give in without a whimper (maybe with an ulcer or a heart attack). In other pairs, one person is the dominant one & must win every conflict, even if he/she has to be deceptive or make nasty personal threats.

All 3 are bad approaches to conflict. There are 2 much better approaches:

• agreeing to a fair compromise (getting half of what you want)
• developing a creative solution in which both people get most of what they want

Obviously, the latter is ideal but it'll not always be possible. Consider using a win-win negotiation or the "fair fighting" if you're intimates in a long-term relationship.

Interpersonal Relationships & Conflict resolution

 By Rob Sandelin. © Community Resource Guide 1997. Reproduction & distribution of this material for profit, without the permission of the author, is prohibited. Contact the author at Floriferous@msn.com

Dealing with interpersonal relationships is a complex subject that's often given inadequate attention by communities. Each individual in a group has a particular & unique personality style that has been shaped by the lifetime of their experience.

There are driver types & quiet folk, expressives, analyticals, reserved, shy, reactive & many others. After you’ve been working together for awhile, an attentive person with training will recognize members personalities & styles & then use that understanding to predict how the group will react to different situations.

As the group gets into conflicts, the elements of group dynamics & personality style need to be taken into account by the facilitators of the group.

Getting to know yourself

It’s important to make, even at a surface level, some determination about yourself & how you’re likely to affect the group dynamic. Ask yourself :

·        Do I talk a lot, or very little?

·        Am I confident about myself & my ideas?

·        Do I listen to others well, or am I impatient having to listen to others?

·        Am I empathetic to others or do I care mostly about getting the task done?

·        When others speak, am I listening to what they say, or thinking about what I’m going to say?

·        Am I quick to anger?

·        Am I defensive or accepting when someone talks about my behavior?

·        Do I ramble or am I a bulleted list sort of person?

·        What makes me annoyed?

·        What makes me feel good?

As you define yourself as a member of the group you'll find your strengths & areas that need improving. A good exercise in community building is to share how you perceive yourself.

There are a number of personality style tests that are available & offer huge value to group understanding.

Getting to know each other

Getting to know one another isn't a fast process & the more the group changes & the larger it gets the longer it takes. It’s hard to trust strangers & community demands a great deal of trust.

Many groups neglect this, assuming that the "business" is more important than their relationships. It can be easy to incorporate social activities as part of business meetings, but the group should also hold purely social gatherings, where the point is to have fun.

Share stories of where you grew up, important turning points in your life, people who you admire. Another way is to write up biographies of each other, one member interviewing another & then keeping these in a notebook for future members to read & add to.

Go out for a weekend retreat & spend time talking & learning about one another.

Working with personality style conflicts

One of the most common sources of conflict & angst in all types of intentional communities is the friction between the "doers” & the “talkers". This dichotomy between task & process is very common & is often a source of conflict & frustration in community.

A healthy community has a balance between task & process. Think of task & process like the wings of a bird. If one wing is shorter than the other, the bird flies around in circles. If there’s mostly task & little process, the friction’s between people will erupt into communication problems & the resulting conflicts keep tasks from moving forward.

Conversely, too much process & everybody spends much of their time in feelings meetings & the tasks that need doing languish.

However, when task & process are balanced, both wings are working at maximum efficiency to carry the community in the direction it wants to go.

You need process to determine the direction to go & how to work together, you need task orientation to accomplish all the jobs needed.

The task oriented vs. the process oriented person

A task oriented person is a person who gets great pleasure in getting results. They create prioritized, bulleted to do lists & then check off items accomplished.

They're often fact & results driven & want the bottom line clearly defined. They often want details organized & they tend to know exactly where things are. So conversely, they’re uncomfortable with ambiguity & get annoyed by discussions that are not related to tasks at hand. They have little patience for digressions.

In extreme cases, if you ask them how they feel about an issue, they’ll minimize it & be annoyed by the fact that you asked them for their feelings not the facts.

A process oriented person is one who gets pleasure from working with people. They want to make people feel good about what’s happening & they see the world in terms of relationships.

They tend to not be interested so much in facts as the consequences of the facts & may also be disorganized, easily loosing place of the current discussion thread.

They may care more about getting out peoples feelings than worrying about details or results. They tend to be very comfortable with ambiguity & tend to get annoyed by bulleted prioritized task lists & serial sequencing.

If you ask them for the facts, they tend to want to move into relationships & concepts instead & may become annoyed that you asked them for the facts rather than their feelings.

Now, both the descriptions above are huge oversimplifications of the enormously complex arena of personality types, but it illustrates the differences & sets up the idea that both styles look at group endeavors with very different perspectives. Both perspectives are equally valid. Let me repeat that: Both perspectives are equally valid.

The key element to understand is that neither the task nor process orientated person is right, they simply are differences in orientation to working in the group.

Both styles (& all the others that exist) need to be recognized, celebrated & then worked with as the group dynamic unfolds. Ideally your group has a good mixture of styles & although this can seem chaotic, it’s actually a very good thing, much better than if you were all one style or another.

Both task & process styles really do benefit the group as long as you learn what the other needs.

So let’s look at a couple sample conflicts involving the 2 styles & how they can end up. The meeting agenda for xyz cohousing has several issues on it & the first issue is about a process issue.

The discussion goes on & on about how people feel about a particular issue & Task Oriented Mary is getting more & more frustrated. Finally she blows up at the facilitator for wasting so much of the meeting time on this one discussion about feelings. She stomps out of the room in a huff.

Another day, another group meeting. This time the agenda item is full of numbers & lists & complex papers about some development aspect. The meeting goes on & the task oriented people are making to do lists & trivializing or putting down peoples issues because "We need to get things done".

Process Oriented Mary is detached & uninvolved. Although she has opinions, she’s feeling alienated by the whole depersonalization of the issues. At the break she leaves. Nobody notices at first & then they shrug it off maybe with relief, that they can "get things done now".

One of the best ways for style angst to be worked out in a meeting is for the individuals to be allowed to state what they’re feeling & what they want. i.e., in the problem with Task-Oriented Mary, she could have asked the group for help by saying something like:

"As a task oriented person, the 35 minutes of discussion here w/no real summary or end point in site is making me frustrated. Can we move to the proposal stage soon, or may I be excused until you finish your discussion?"

By clearly stating her frustrations & proposing 2 solutions, she's made the group aware of her needs & the group then has choices to work with. Some larger groups use a system of colored cards where different colors represent different types of input.

In most systems, there’s a color for process & so when the meeting isn’t working, it can be changed by input from the individuals it’s not working for. In extreme cases, task oriented people will have difficulty asking for what they want & the facilitator needs to watch for angst from the task oriented people & then intervene on their behalf.

Recognizing your personality style & the needs & limitations it places you under is a key step in understanding how to work with a group. Both task & process styles have important contributions to make & you have to be patient & recognize the value of styles that are different from yours.

You’ll be annoyed with your style opposite sometimes, so use that annoyance constructively to make changes in the process that benefit the group.

If you’re a task oriented person, you can help the group get organized & working on results. Your skills at seeing the bottom line can help the group when you summarize information, add facts, or urge the group towards concrete proposals.

If you’re a process oriented person you offer the skills of building relationships & understandings so that proposals can be made that get accepted & implemented with a high degree of spirit. You can work to keep the morale of the group high by offering personal support & acknowledgment of peoples work.

Groups often go thru cycles where task or process gets emphasis in the groups activities.

There may be a period where you make many decisions, hard & fast & work with lots of information, get lots of details accomplished & then get somewhat paralyzed by what may seem to be a minor side issue.

The group then focuses on process work, working thru the issue, hearing emotional side issues, talking with each other & building up communication bridges & processes.

Over time, most experienced & successful groups learn to balance the task & process parts of their activities so each works to complement the other.

As meeting skills grow in the group, the facilitator can capture emotional issues that get raised as part of a task agenda & skillfully roll them into the task processing so the end result is the optimum for everyone. When you can balance both the task wing & the process wing so they work together, your group will fly as high as it can go.

Sharing feelings

There can be undercurrents of bad feelings which don't get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling circle, in which everyone in the group expresses how they're feeling. For this to work some ground rules are needed:

• Only one person speaks at a time around the circle.
• No defensive reactions are allowed in the circle.
• Start your contribution to the circle with "I".

The goals of the feelings circle should be written down & placed where everyone can see them. Some sample goals:

·        I’m here to learn about my neighbors & myself.

·        I’ll listen carefully with an open heart to what you have to say about me.

·       I’ll speak for myself only & speak the truth as I see it.

The way feeling circles work is for members to simply state whatever's on their mind. i.e., a member might say: " I'm feeling disappointed because no one else helped me work in the garden yesterday."

This helps focus the group on feelings & also can define some larger issues for discussion. For this kind of sharing to work it is important that the circle not be interrupted by defensive answers, but that each person is allowed to speak without interruption.

Participants have to be free to express feelings without immediate reaction. If this becomes part of the meeting routine, even very shy individuals may come to express themselves. A nice addition to this is to add a "I really appreciate _____" round at the end.

Sometimes feeling circles can be focused on a specific issue. They can be a way of dealing with a particular issue, a conflict between individuals, an individual behavior, or even as a healing source for someone who loses a family member or has some other personal crisis.

Or they can be general in nature, focusing on getting to know one anothers histories by responding to set questions such as: A story from my childhood, people that are important to me, lessons in life I have learned and who taught them, the most important thing I ever did, the most dangerous moment in my life. These kinds of sharing circles allow people to learn about each other in new ways.

Active listening

Active listening is a skill which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting & drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings & encourages him or her to fully communicate.

The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings & thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker & the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.

The important thing about active listening is that it isn’t intended to change or alter the feelings of the speaker, only to support them in expressing their feelings. When you try & advise or change the message the speaker gives, it forces them to defend themselves, which often causes further denial of the feelings & experiences.

When the listener responds by trying to change the speakers way of looking at things, to see the situation from the listeners perspective, the listener is trying to divert the communication down the path to meet their needs, not the speakers.

One of the special difficulties in active listening is when the listener is called on for decisions, judgments or evaluations. Often what the speaker is doing in this situation is try to pass the buck & disguise or mask the expression of feelings. In active listening it's best to try to identify the emotional context of the question & leave an opening for the speaker to say what's really bothering him.

For example Jim, a teenager doing childcare comes to the meeting looking upset & says:

"I'll never get anywhere with those damn kids. Why did I ever sign up for childcare, this is impossible!".

An active listening response would be something like:

"You had a problem with the kids? You sound pretty frustrated."

The active listener checks in on the emotional context which includes body language, then summarizes back what the speaker said. Often this encourages the speaker to continue.

"Yeah , those kids just don't listen to me when I tell them what to do."

The speaker has continued to describe the problem in more detail. Again the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said in order to encourage the dialog.

"So the kids didn't listen to you?"

"Yeah, I tried to tell them how to set up the game but they just went into it an created their own rules."

Now with a better understanding of the situation the listener tries to capture the emotion & rephrase back to the speaker.

"Being ignored like that must have made you mad."

"Boy don't you know it. I just walked away I was so mad. I guess I should go back & see if I can work it out. Being in charge is hard sometimes."

In effective active listening the goal is to convey back to the speaker that we're seeing things from his or her viewpoint.

The listener must look for & respond to feelings. Not all of a message is in the words so non-verbal clues can help the listener be aware of the speakers feelings.

Triangulation: talking about others when they're not present

When people get into conflicts with each other, one of the fine arts of conflict is to use triangulation to bring people to your side of the issue.

The way this works is that when A & B have a conflict, B talks to C & tells C lots of negative things about A.

The goal of this type of triangulation is to degrade the person not present. This kind of malicious gossip can occur very easily & spontaneously, you may not even realize what it has done until you analyze why you feel a certain way towards someone, or how you ever got such a wrong notion about someone.

Malicious triangulation is very dysfunctional behavior & is one of the worse things that can happen in a community. Malicious gossip & character assassination undermine relationships in a huge way.

They poison peoples perspectives of each other, fill voids of understanding with misinformation & deceit & create an atmosphere of distrust, disrespect & paranoia.

Now sometimes, to help your own understanding of people & their conflicts you need to get & share information about people who are not present. This is healthy & normal & there's an easy test to distinguish between what's healthy & helpful & what's unhealthy & destructive.

It's the invisible person test. When the topic of someone who isn't present comes up, imagine that the person of whom you're speaking or hearing about is standing behind you. If what you say, or hear would make that person angry, defensive, or unhappy you're engaged in an unhealthy triangulation.

When you find yourself in triangulation's about others, use the invisible person test & point it out to those present. If you go along with triangulation & character assassination, you become an accomplice to dysfunctional behavior that's very destructive to relationships.

Relationships are the foundation of community.

If you don't care about the community dynamic involved here let me add something to catch your self interest:

People who gossip to you, in turn, will gossip about you.

So if you want to create a place where you don't have to worry about what people are saying about YOU behind YOUR back, it's worth the personal investment to point out triangulation whenever it happens.

Resolving Conflicts

Conflicts & miscommunications occur. They're part of life. Not everyone thinks, acts or responds in the same way & members come under stress at different times which causes differences in tolerance & patience. Not everyone has the same level of commitment, honesty, or even integrity.

It's important to define a process that resolves problems & encourages members to talk about the issues under conflict in a controlled & reasonable way, even if those issues are intensely personal. Many people are conditioned to avoid conflict at any cost, that conflict is bad, a failure.

Overcoming this tendency to avoid conflict is hard & conflict resolution training is a good 1st step.

Conflict is healthy & a normal part of any human relationship. One of the most important elements of all the successful intentional communities is a clearly defined process for dealing with group & personal conflicts.

Sometimes conflicts can't be resolved & must simply be respectfully accepted as differences. Vegetarian vs. meat eater can be such a conflict within a community.

If you ignore conflicts between individuals, it's common to find these conflicts coming into meetings as hidden agendas. In some communities interpersonal conflicts are expected to be resolved by the individuals, not the group.

Some communities have the whole group take responsibility for conflict resolution between members. Figure out a strategy for who is responsible for interpersonal conflict resolution & set some community ground rules.

Interpersonal conflicts often start out as poor communication. The more frank & open you are while communicating, the less conflict & less severe conflict will exist.

Sometimes meetings become really intense & negotiations & discussions become counterproductive. The whole meeting environment becomes too emotionally charged to reach a solution. Conflicts can be emotionally draining & meetings dealing with conflict can leave you feeling wrung out & exhausted.

Group conflict resolution is a very demanding process & sometimes you aren't up to it. Under these conditions is it often best for the facilitator to break the meeting or adjourn to another time with perhaps a homework assignment for each individual to brainstorm all the pros & cons of the issue to bring back to the next meeting.

Common conflict issues

Kids & dogs are 2 of the most conflict rife issues any community deals with. Another big issue is personal behaviors which have a negative impact on others, such as an individual who frequently uses a loud & angry voice which intimidates other members.

Other issues often causing conflict include:

• gun ownership
• private use of common areas
• clothing optional facilities
• hidden sexual agendas
• bad cooks
• parking - specifically drive up parking
• house location selection
• how to add common amenities that not everyone will use Personality styles often lead to clashes, especially between task oriented & process oriented styles.

Some conflict resolution strategies

• Begin conflict communication with "I" statements that reflect how you feel. The "I am feelings" statements create a group process where individuals feelings are out front.

i.e., here are 2 ways to say the same thing: "I need to have the bathrooms be larger so I can play my Tuba in the bathtub" & "The bathrooms you guys designed are too small."

 

In the first sentence, the individual is expressing her needs, which can then be discussed & worked around. In the 2nd sentence the individual could be construed as criticizing others, who may react defensively & it's unclear what the individual needs are.

• Learn to identify what's needed by another person & learn how to gracefully ask another person to define what they need.

• A very key question in working with conflicts is "why?". Why do you feel so strongly about this? Why are you shouting? Why do you have such angst over this issue? Why do you think that way? Learn to ask for clarification when an issue becomes a conflict.

• In a consensus process where one person is blocking, have that person choose a "clearness committee" of people either within, or from outside the group. The purpose of this small group is to support & help the member or members clarify why they feel as they do about the issue.

The members in the clearness committee just listen, or encourage the person to speak by asking supportive & clarifying questions. It's very important to understand that the goal of this process isn't to change the opinion or feelings of the blocking individual but to clarify the reasons & thinking of the blocking individual.

 

The result can be that once the reasons for the block are clarified, the community has more options for dealing with it. Sometimes in this way consensus can be reached, sometimes the blocking position is strengthened & consensus isn't reachable.

• Having someone within the group who is trained in mediation skills, or hiring an outside trained mediator can be very useful. The group will need to decide how mediation is to be handled & under what circumstances it will be used.

Setting up conflict mediation early is important, so that a plan can be in place should a major conflict occur. Having an outside opinion can do wonders for a stuck process.

• Determine whether the disagreement is over facts or the respective feelings about the facts. Ask questions to discover the underlying assumptions, values & attitudes. Separate feelings from facts by using the phrases like: "To me", "in my opinion", "it appears to me".

When people feel intensely about issues it's important to ask them: "Why do you feel so strongly about this?"

 

Keep asking that until the real issues emerge. Often the real issues are buried & the current issue in dispute is only the carrier for feelings left unexpressed.

• Don't make it personal. If you disagree about an idea or concept frame the discussion around the idea, not the person. Say: " I don't agree with that idea", not, "your idea is stupid".

• Try reversing the roles. Agree to argue the other side for 15 minutes & then express the other viewpoint as persuasively as you can. This can be an effective way of keeping a single issue conflict from escalating into a larger conflict. If you do this with integrity you'll find that, amazingly enough, the other side has some validity.

• Is it really an either/ or issue? Put both sides away & brainstorm other ideas. Often conflicts come because of boxed thinking, the participants believe that there's only a limited solution. Conflict occurs when people believe there's only one way. Break thru happens when people discover there is a 3rd way, a 4th way, a 5th way.

• Do a trial solution. Lets try this for 3 weeks & evaluate it. Often a group must make decisions without adequate knowlege or experience. Doing a trail solution & then evaluating the results can often result in future changes & also can reassure reluctant participants, since the decision isn't permanent.

• Do a deliberate defocusing by temporarily adjourning the meeting for 2 hours. Let people go get food, relax in the sun, gather in small groups to talk or walk in the woods. If time concerns make a 2 hour break not possible, take a 5 minute silent thinking break where the goal is just to quietly reflect on the issue.

Often this sort of change of atmosphere helps people think thru an issue & come up with ideas for resolution

• If people get visibly mad, stop the discussion. If you can't discuss the issue without anger you need mediation. Get professional arbitration help early in a conflict where real visible anger is present.

If people get visibly angry & if you take a "time-out" meeting adjournment, make the time-out last at least one hour & 2 hours is better. The hormones that anger releases take at least 90 minutes to dissipate & these hormones will not let the body be calm, no matter what.

• Create a special group meeting environment where members can argue, disagree, yell, cry, stomp around, get mad, hug, or whatever it takes. Part of the sense of community is feeling safe enough to let real feelings out; these kinds of expressions, as uncomfortable as they may be to some, will help the community to grow.

• If you're arguing about details or specifics, back up a step to a bigger concept. Sometimes people who won’t agree about the details can agree on a concept or goal. Then the details can be sorted & placed in relationship to the agreed upon concept or goal. It's often a good idea to define & agree on goals first, then try & find agreement on details that support the goal.

• Rather than try to find the right answer, throw out the bad answers, the things you agree won’t work. This might narrow the focus & also bring out something you hadn’t thought of before.

• Watch for you or the group putting someone in a untenable dominant position. Some people are leaders & take action, while others wait & follow. If a leader oversteps their authority it might not be all their fault, expecially if a group lets them take leadership in the first place.

• If personal behavior problems occur, it's a very good idea to have a mediator help the group. Communicate privately or in a sharing circle how individuals affect the process using "When this happens, I feel Y" language.

i.e., When yelling happens in the meeting, I feel insecure & I close down & stop talking for the rest of the meeting".

 

Avoid putting the blame on inviduals until you've clearly defined the behavior & the problems it causes. Then, if that doesn't end the behavior, bring it up in context of the individual.

 

i.e., "When you yelled at the meeting, I felt threatened & stopped contributing & was afraid to say anything."

Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict

Home & Away Series

Joyce Fittro Extension Agent Family and Consumer Sciences, Delaware County

Many parents feel discouraged when their children bicker or resist requests made of them. How do we teach children to cooperate & resolve conflict?

If we want children to stop fighting we must teach them new skills for resolving conflict. They need to learn problem-solving skills & develop avenues for generating lots of alternatives for getting what they want in socially acceptable ways. We also want them to become independent without delaying response or accountability until the "absent" parent returns home.

It has been found that a child's ability to get what he or she wants in an acceptable manner is directly related to the number of solutions or alternatives the child can think of in a situation. A child who can think of 5 ways to get what he wants will generally display more socially acceptable behavior than the child who can think of only 1 or 2 ways.

Some general steps in teaching problem-solving skills to children are presented here.

• Get the facts & the feelings. When children are upset, fighting, angry, or hurt, first find out the details. When questions like "What happened?" are asked calmly & nonjudgmentally, children usually calm down & answer them.

• Spend some time focusing on feelings. Children see things primarily from their own perspective. They may be completely unaware of how their behavior affects other people, except when another person interferes with their needs. To negotiate solutions that are fair to everyone, children need to know how others feel.

• Help children see the goal. Generating ideas for solutions is much easier for children when they have a clear goal. Help children define the problem in terms of what both children want to happen. i.e., "What can you do so you have room to play with blocks & Casey has room to drive his truck?" When the problem is phrased this way, children get the idea that the needs of both are important.

• Generate alternatives. To help children resolve conflict, adults can help them stay focused on the problem. Adults can also act like a "blackboard." When children suggest alternatives, adults can repeat the ideas then ask them what else could be done.

• Resist the temptation to suggest ideas as most children might assume their own thoughts aren't good enough. If a child needs new ideas, suggest them later or ask the child to imagine how someone else they know might handle the situation.

• Evaluate consequences. After the children have generated all the ideas they can, evaluate the consequences. Ask them, "What might happen if you...?" or "How might Matt feel if you...?"

• Resist the temptation to judge the ideas. Adults will not always be around to tell a child that his/her idea isn't good & to suggest another. In the long run, adults will be more helpful by encouraging children to evaluate ideas themselves & see why they're unacceptable.

• Ask for a decision. When the children have completed thinking of & evaluating ideas, the remaining task is to make a plan. Restate the problem, summarize the ideas & let the children decide which they will try. If they choose an alternative you think will not work, be sure they know what they should do next.

The process of teaching problem-solving often seems tedious & parents may be tempted to just tell a child what to do. But that doesn't allow children to gain the experience of thinking of what to do for themselves.

Source: Creary, Elizabeth. (1984). Kids Can Cooperate. Parenting Press.

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General Skills for Handling Children's Aggressive Behavior

1. Model nonaggressive behavior. Be calm when dealing with children who are upset. Keep your voice level & firm, your movements controlled & look at the children.

2. Eliminate aggressive materials. Don't purchase toy weapons for your setting or allow children to bring them from home.

3. Manage materials to minimize potential frustration among children.

4. Praise children when their behavior is appropriate.

5. Make it clear that aggression is unacceptable.

Specific Skills for Handling Specific Aggression

1. Accidental Aggression Management - When accidental aggression occurs, defuse the situation by identifying the wronged child's feelings & explaining that this was an accident. It's also good to point out to the aggressor the impact the action had on the other child & to ask the aggressor to help repair the damage.

2. Expressive Aggression Management -- In this situation, redirect the actions of the aggressor. Focus on allowing the aggressor to continue the pleasurable physical movement while changing the situation so it becomes harmless. For example, the child who is knocking down other children's blocks needs to be redirected to knock down their own blocks.

3. Hostile Aggression Management -- Children must be told that hostile behavior will not be tolerated. Your actions need to support that statement. Clear boundaries & consistent expectations must be given to children who use hostile aggression. Hostile behavior can't be allowed.

4. Instrumental Aggression Management -- Learn, practice & use conflict mediation skills:

Step 1: Initiate the mediation process.
Step 2: Clarify each child's perspective.
Step 3: Sum up.
Step 4: Help children generate alternatives.
Step 5: Help children agree on a solution.
Step 6: Reinforce the problem solving process.
Step 7: Help children follow through on their agreement.

Adults play an important role in the socialization of children. They help children develop social skills. Children between ages 3 & 10 need to have positive give-&-take social interactions. They need mini-lessons on how to cultivate positive interactions between themselves & others in their social network. Anyone who has more than two children in their care will encounter conflict.

With practice using the 8-step conflict resolution/mediation model you can successfully guide children thru resolving their conflicts. This model can be used with children who have developed skills & can verbalize their feelings, usually age 3 or older.

The role of the adult/mediator in this model is very important. Key points to remember when implementing the model with the children are:

• Physical contact with children is very important. Hold the children. You may rub their backs during the interaction to reinforce your support for each child. (Not all children want to be touched. If a child pulls away, look into the situation deeper.)
• Ask, "What happened here?" Make sure each child is given uninterrupted time to explain their view of the situation, within boundaries.
• Accept & reinforce the solution agreed on by the children. It may not make sense to you.
• Remain calm at all times during the process. Use simple concrete language. Paraphrase any language that is hurtful. End with an open-ended question. Example: "Neither one of you are getting what you want. What do you want?"
• Give the children lots of time to form their thoughts & speak. A question that can be answered with yes or no isn't an open-ended question.

Conflict Mediation Model

Conflict mediation involves walking children thru a series of steps beginning with problem identification & ending with the implementation of a mutually satisfactory solution. Finally, it can be announced the conflict has ended. You'll provide more or less direction as necessary until some conclusion is reached. The aim of the process isn't for you to dictate how children should solve their problem, but help them figure out a solution on their own. Things / items, territory & rights are instances that can be mediated / negotiated. Status, defending others, attention & care & situation ground rules aren't things that can be negotiated.

Step 1: Initiating the mediation process.

Assume the role of a nonpartial mediator. Accomplish this by stopping the aggressive behavior, separating the children & defining the problem. It's important to get down to eye level with the children. You may have to position yourself between the children in order to help them focus on the problem rather than the object, territory or right. This helps the children approach a highly emotional situation in a more objective manner.

Step 2: Clarifying each child's perspective.

Ask each child in turn to state what he or she wants from the situation. Allow each child ample time, without interruption, to state what they want. This step is critical & the children must trust that you will not make an arbitrary decision in favor of one of the children. Paraphrasing each child's point of view is very important to this step. Children may need your help to tell what they really want.

Step 3: Summing up.

This step happens when you've been able to get from each child enough information to understand each child's perception of the conflict. You then define the dispute in mutual terms, making clear that each child has responsibility for both the problem & its solution. Basically, you state that a problem exists & that a solution must be found.

Step 4: Generating alternatives.

Ask for suggestions from the children involved & from bystanders. Each time a possible solution is offered, paraphrase it to the children directly involved. Ask each child to think about whether this solution will work for them. Work with the children to brainstorm as many possible solutions for the situation as they can. Be cautioned that each child should be a willing participant in the outcome & that no alternative should be forced on any child. It's typical during this procedure for children to reject some alternatives that they may later find acceptable. Therefore, when a suggestion is repeated, you should present it rather than assume it will be rejected again. Sometimes during this process the child may tire & choose to walk away from the process. If the child insists on solving the problem by giving up, respect the decision. With practice, children will increase their skills & will be better able to deal with the time needed to negotiate a settlement that makes both happy.

Step 5: Agreeing on a solution.

Children will reject certain suggestions outright & will indicate that others seem more acceptable. The ultimate goal is to help children create a plan of action that is mutually satisfying. The final agreement usually involves some give & take by both children & may not represent the action the child would take if the youngster didn't have to consider another person's point of view. When a solution has been reached, it's important to announce that a resolution has been reached & to state the exact details of the agreement.

Step 6: Reinforcing the problem-solving process.

Praise children for working hard & agreeing on a solution. The message to be communicated is that the process of reaching the solution is as important as the solution itself. Achieve this by acknowledging the emotional investment each child had in the original conflict & the hard work involved in reaching an agreement.

Step 7: Following through.

Help children carry out the terms of the agreement. Accomplish this by reminding children of the terms & if necessary, physically assisting or demonstrating how to comply. The solution may not make sense to you, but it's important to enforce the details as the children agreed to them. It's critical that you follow thru & reinforce the solution agreed on. If not, the children will not trust you in this process in the future. If the plan begins to fall apart, the children should be brought together again to discuss possible revisions.

Step 8: Announce the conflict is over.

As the negotiation process is going on, all the children in the room will be involved & listening because they're interested. As others are listening, they'll also be learning the process & will trust you to handle future conflicts. It's important that all the children know the conflict has been successfully resolved.

Studies show that using this model for conflict resolution is successful. It helps children reduce their aggression & expands their ability to resolve conflicts on their own. Children who participate in conflict mediation on a regular basis improve in their ability to engage in the process. Over time, children increase the number & variety of solutions they suggest & decrease the amount of time needed to negotiate a settlement.

Conflicts between parents & teenagers

About 60% of the students in my college classes have gone thru difficult conflicts w/their parents (the others had acceptable or good relations).

This is the usual sequence: until puberty there's a closeness with one or both parents. Conflicts usually start during the 12 to 17 year-old period. Friends become more important than parents. Parent-teenager fights range in intensity from quiet withdrawal to raging arguments on every issue.

Conflicts may begin with the teenager stopping doing certain things that please their parents or that would indicate closeness or similarity to the parents, like going to church or to the movies with the parents.

They want to be on their own, to "do their own thing," which sometimes evolves into having the responsibilities of a 5-year-old & the freedom of a 25-year-old. Parental rules & values are often challenged or broken.

This is called "boundary breaking;" in moderation it's natural, normal, necessary & healthy. Depending on the peer group, the teenager may do some things partly to "shake up" or defy the parents (& the establishment) dress, talk, dance & "have fun" in their own way.

Using drugs, reckless driving, drinking, staying out late, getting "too serious" & other behaviors may be for excitement but boundary breaking may be involved too. When the parents object or refuse permission, the teenager may intensely resent their interference.

The parents may respond just as strongly to the teenager's new behavior. When the agreeable kid starts to argue about everything, it is baffling to them.

Parents resent defiance, especially authoritarian, I "make-the-rules parents." They may feel like a failure as a parent. The teenager's ideas seem totally unreasonable to them.

The parents' emotional reaction is more than just reasonable concern for the teenager's welfare, it's an intense reaction, either panic that the son or daughter is headed for disaster or boiling resentment of the teenager's rebelliousness. When both respond with strong resentment, it's war.

Why this war? In some families these quarrels may be necessary in order for the young person to become "his/her own person" & free him/herself from parents' control.

Sonnett (1975), Robertiello (1976), Ginott (1969) & many others have speculated about the underlying causes somewhat as follows: Teenagers are unsure of themselves but they pretend to be confident. They fear admitting their doubts because that might lead to being taken over again, almost smothered, by their parents' opinions & control.

Yet, there are temptations to not grow up, to be taken care of, to avoid scary responsibilities. This danger, of remaining a weak, dependent, controlled child, provides the intense force behind the drive to be different from & to challenge the parents.

Teenagers deny the importance of their relationships with parents; they give up hugging & kissing; they show little gratitude; they emphasize their differences from their parents & their similarity to their friends. All attempts, in part, to get free.

Bickering, insulting & getting mad pushes the parents away. Disliking parents & not getting along with them makes it easier to leave. What do the parents do?

Some say, "I've taught you all I know, now go live life as you choose & learn from your experiences. I'll always love you." Other parents feel crushed &/or furious when teenagers decide to go a different direction.

These parents wanted their children to accomplish their goals & to conform to their values & way of life. They perhaps hoped to live life, again, thru their children. At least, they wanted the son/daughter to follow their religion, accept their morals, marry the "right kind" of person, get an education & "good" job, have children, etc.

They may be very hurt if the son/daughter wants to go another direction.

In the final stages, when the parent-teenager conflict becomes bitter, usually it's a power struggle between controlling parent & resisting young person.

The conflict becomes a "win-lose" situation where no compromises are possible & someone must lose. The more dominating, controlling parents (who tend to produce insecure, resentful but independent teenagers) don't like to lose & struggle hard for continued control.

The teenager can almost always win these conflicts eventually, however, by just not telling the parent what he/she is doing or by being passive-aggressive (forgetful, helpless, ineffective).

How to resolve parent - young adult conflicts

When the young person is 16 or 17, the parents have to accept reality that they have lost control, they can't watch the son or daughter all the time. They're on their own. The parent can still help the young person make decisions by sharing their wisdom (if it's requested).

Both parents & young persons can control their anger & adopt good communication skills: "I" statements, empathy responses & self-disclosure. Both can develop positive attitudes.

Teenagers can realize that parents don't universally go from "wise" to "stupid" as they age from 12 to 17. They can also realize that responsibility comes with freedom; if you're old enough to declare your independence & make your own decisions, you're old enough to accept the consequences (meaning, "don't expect your parents to get you out of trouble").

Parents can remind themselves that making mistakes is part of growing up; we all learn from our mistakes, including drinking & getting sick, getting pregnant, being rejected, dropping out of school, being fired, etc.

Young adults, like all of us, need support & love when they're "down." Give it. Avoid criticism, anger, rejection & the parental favorite, you-should-have-listened-to-me comments.

When they're hurting, show love & concern, but don't rush in to rescue them, let them deal with the problems they made for themselves.

Farmer (1989) provides help to parents trying to be caring, loving & at peace with their teenagers. 

If you're a young adult who has gone thru "the wars" with one or both parents, it may be wise & rewarding to try to get closer again.

Try to see your parents as real people:

• How old were they when you were born?

• What problems did they have?

• Do you suppose they often wondered what to do & if they were being good parents to you?

• Did being parents interfere with important goals in their lives?

• Were & are they desperately wanting you to "turn out all right" & make them proud?

• Are they longing for a close relationship with you?

• If they get disappointed & anger at you, is that awful?

Some day when you're feeling reasonably secure about yourself & positive about your parents, take the initiative & open up to them.

Share your feelings:

• fears
• self-doubts

• regrets about the fights

• how difficult it was to break away

• your hope for a mature, equal, accepting, close relationship with them in the future

Emphasize the positive. If they've been helpful, show your appreciation. Forget & forgive the "war," if possible, or, at least, avoid letting the poison keep festering.

The students I work with find this "reunion" with their parents scary to plan. But it's extremely gratifying, once it's done, to have taken some responsibility for this relationship - almost certainly the longest, deepest & most influential relationship you'll ever have.

Many people are amazed at how hard it is to say "I love you" & to hug or touch their mother or father or child again. But it feels so good. Many of us cry.

If you're grown & independent & love your parents openly & never had to fight with your parents to get where you are, be sure to thank them for doing so well in a difficult job. If you're wishing your parents had been better, ask yourself:

"Although they weren't perfect, weren't they good enough?" They did what they had to do. If you feel you need total agreement & unfailing support from your parents, ask yourself why that's needed. Does it reflect some dependency & self-doubt?

Try to use your insights into these conflicts. The teenager is trying to find "his/her own place"- their unique personality & life-style. Look for unconscious forces:

• children may delight in driving parents up a wall

• parents may get some secret pleasure from seeing their children fail or make mistakes in certain ways

• a parent's dreams may be frustrated when the young person decides to "do his/her own thing"

• parents may be especially upset when children do things they prohibit but are tempted to do themselves, etc.

Most importantly, the teenager may be slowly "cutting the umbilical cord" by creating an "uproar" which makes it easier for him/her to leave the love, warmth & stifling dependency of home.

Viewed in that light, maybe having a few uproars ain't so bad. Don't let the "fights" become permanently hurtful. Be forgiving.

Conflict Resolution

Introduction

Too often, minor disagreements lead to serious violence among teens. In fact, one national survey found that 33% of high school students said they had been in a physical fight within the past year (CDC 2004).

Conflicts & disagreements are a part of life, but they don't have to end in violence. This fact sheet discusses how teens can work thru disagreements without resorting to fighting.

What is Conflict Resolution?

Conflict resolution is about teaching people new ways to work thru & resolve disputes that don’t involve violence. Many schools & community groups offer conflict resolution programs for teens.

How Does Conflict Resolution Work?

Most conflict resolution programs follow a series of steps that include (Crawford & Bodine 1996):

1. Setting ground rules. Agree to work together & set rules such as no name-calling, blaming, yelling or interrupting.

2. Listening. Let each person describe their point of view without interruption. The point is to understand what a person wants & why they want it.

3. Finding common interests. Establish facts & issues that everyone can agree on & determine what's important to each person.

4. Brainstorming possible solutions to the problem. List all options without judging them or feeling that they must be carried out. Try to think of solutions where everyone gains something.

5. Discussing each person’s view of the proposed solutions. Negotiate & try to reach a compromise that's acceptable to everyone involved.

6. Reaching an agreement. Each person should state his or her interpretation of the agreement. Try writing the agreement down & checking back at a later time to see how it's working.

• Figure out what methods work for you to control your anger (see Anger Management Fact Sheet for Teens)

• Talk to an adult you trust if you feel intensely angry, fearful or anxious.

• Don't carry weapons or associate with people who do. Weapons escalate conflicts & increase the chances of serious harm. It's also illegal for a teen to carry a handgun; you can be arrested & charged with a crime.

• Avoid or be cautious in places or situations where conflicts tend to arise, such as crowded hallways, bathrooms, or unsupervised places in a school.

• Reject taunts for a fight & find a compromise to a dispute rather than resorting to violence.

• Decide on your options for handling a problem when conflict arises, such as talking the problem out calmly, staying away from certain people, or getting others involved to settle a dispute, such as a teacher, peer mediator, or counselor.

• Understand that retaliation (getting back at someone in a violent way) isn't an effective way to respond to teasing, insults, rough play & offensive touching (pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping, kicking or hitting) (Crawford & Bodine 2001).

Why Your Needs Do Not Get Met by Robert Elias Najemy

Relationships & need conflicts

Possible Lessons