"How To Defeat Worry"

"I want to get married. I want to have a family . . . but I'm scared to death that I'll marry the wrong person."

Greg was a bright, verbal, successful & attractive 37 year-old-man who described himself as a "prisoner of my worries" & fears of making the "ultimate commitment" & getting married.

He'd been a Christian for most of his life & seemed to have a good knowledge of the Bible.

Greg didn't enter into manhood with this emotional paralysis. Both his mom & dad had gone thru several marriages & divorces" & so I was concerned about my ability to maintain a relationship." Greg had become a Christian in his mid 20's & this had increased his appreciation of the value, importance & seriousness of the marriage vows.

Early on, Greg experienced the normal healthy concerns about marriage. But over time, building on the foundation of his parents' marital failures & seeing the failures of some of his friends' marriages, he found himself moving from concern to worry. He started asking himself, "What if?"

• "What if I marry the wrong person?"

• "What if I wake up one morning & find out that I don't really love her, or worse, that she doesn't really love me?"

• "What I get married & we can't have kids?"

• "What if we have kids & I turn out to be a lousy father like my dad was?"

That list of "what ifs?" may sound silly, even ridiculous to you, but they were very real to Greg. Greg isn't that different from many of us. Most of us like to think of ourselves as concerned, compassionate & caring individuals.

Webster defines concern as a "marked interest or regard usually arising thru a personal tie or relationship." So far so good.

Concern is a constructive & healthy emotional activity that consists of 3 phases.

• Concern begins with the awareness of a present or potential need or a problem. When you care about something or someone & you sense the possibility of a threat or problem, it's a healthy human response to be concerned.

• In phase 2 we move from the awareness of a threat or problem to a search for & consideration of possible solutions. What are the resources available? What can be done? What needs to be done? How can I help?

• In the final phase of concern, we try to take some kind of action. In fact that is one of the distinguishing characteristics of concern. We've identified a concern, we've looked at the possible options & now it's time to do something. Concern leads to action.

While healthy concern is good, it's easy for it to turn into unhealthy worry. For most of us, the problem of worry usually begins in the second phase of being concerned.

While we're considering the available solutions to a legitimate concern, we also tend to become more aware of all of the terrible, awful, horrible things that might take place. If we aren't careful, we can start to feel as if all of those terrible awful & horrible things have already happened.

It's easy to lose our problem-solving focus & let our perspective become distorted. When that happens, like Greg, we get stuck in the rut of asking "What if . . ." Our minds operate like the tires of a car stuck in the mud: we let them spin quickly, hoping to free our concerns with some solution only to find we're deeper in the muck.

Our concerns slide into worry & if we allow the activity of worry to dominate our lives long enough, we can end up with a full-blown anxiety disorder.

We look at worry in different ways. Among the words men & women have used to describe worry or anxiety in their lives are tense, apprehensive, shaky, terrified, wound-up, nervous & scared.

Some say they're up-tight or on edge. A few describe their worry as feeling panicky. What do you think of when you hear the words "anxiety" or "worry"? What are some other terms you use to describe this emotional state?

Worry & anxiety are terms that for the most part can be used interchangeably What exactly is anxiety? It's a universal emotion that, like all other emotions, can be experienced in healthy & unhealthy kinds of ways.

"In its mild form, it's experienced at one time or another by everyone; in more extreme form it leads to fears of impending death or catastrophe.

The feeling of anxiety may occur w/out physical symptoms, or it may be accompanied by numerous overwhelming symptoms affecting many organ systems; it may cause no change in behavior or it may lead to immobilization or chronic avoidance.

The unpleasantness & universality of the symptoms are evidenced by the fact that over 80 million prescriptions for anti-anxiety drugs are dispensed in the US each year.

Despite its importance, the nature of anxiety remains elusive. C. Barr Taylor & Bruce Arnow, The Nature & Treatment of Anxiety Disorders, NY: The Free Press, 1988, p. 1)

now that we are past concern & into worry & anxiety - read the remaining portion of this article by clicking here!  when you get there, scroll down for the remainder of the article

Girls 8 to 17 are as concerned about emotional violence, teasing, gossip & name-calling, as they are about physical violence, from street & date violence to car accidents & war, a new Girl Scout Research Institute survey has found.

"A lot of people worry more about what other people will say to them rather than what they'll do to them," confirmed Christina Baldy, 17, of Monroeville, a senior at Gateway High School.

The institute surveyed 2,279 girls, only some of them Girl Scout members, in April, using a self-administered online questionnaire.

Among the survey's findings:

• When asked what worried them the most, the No. 1 concern, noted by 32 % of all girls responding, was being teased or made fun of.

• Younger girls were more worried about emotional danger than older teens, especially being called names or being the target of gossip.

• As they grow older, girls' concern for their physical safety, particularly in the areas of street violence, being forced into unwanted sexual activity or being involved in a car accident, grew.

• While girls of all ages were aware of terrorism & the war in Iraq, only a fraction saw them as big threats to their safety.

"Girls actually stated that they recognized that the war is of concern, that it's definitely something real & serious," said Sharon Woods Hussey, a senior vice president of the national Girl Scouts organization. "[But] it's not something that concerns them in their immediate environment."

A much more immediate concern is being teased, judged, made fun of or even having to speak or participate in class.

Julie Richards, 10, of Penn Hills, said she sometimes about being ridiculed when she's at school or in classroom situations.

How does it make her feel when other girls aren't so nice?

"Kind of sad," said Julie, who is a Girl Scout.

Baldy said she also is sometimes concerned about gossip or what others are saying about her.

"But at the same time I don't let it get to me at all," she said.

Baldy believes some of the anxiety girls have about being judged is tied to the cultural emphasis on how women & girls look.

"A lot of it has to do with magazines & what people see on television," Baldy said.

Erika Dauber, spokesperson for The Ophelia Project, an Erie-based organization that develops programs to reduce peer aggression & bullying, said much of the emotional insecurity has to do with wanting to fit in.

"[Everyone] wants to be affiliated with the popular girl," Dauber said.

When a girl is rejected & not allowed to be part of the popular crowd or is teased about how she looks, it can be emotionally devastating.

"It's cross-cultural because every girl & basically every kid needs to feel safe," Dauber said.

It doesn't surprise her that the middle & junior high girls were more concerned about these emotional assaults than were older girls.

"This is when you have girls that are beginning to go thru puberty, all these changes that happen in adolescence. They're feeling insecure anyway & they have an intense longing to affiliate," Dauber said.

The survey suggests that rural girls are more concerned about emotional safety, while suburban & urban girls worry more about physical safety.

• 28% of the girls surveyed were concerned about being attacked with a weapon
• 26% were worried about being kidnapped 
• 24% feared being forced to do something sexual

Lauren Richards, a 7th-grader from Penn Hills & Julie's sister, said her environment is pretty safe, but she sometimes worries about physical safety.

"When we walk home, we walk alone," said Lauren, 12. She fears that she & her sister might encounter someone along their route who they don't know.

Julie's greatest fear is "getting stolen," she said, "because there's a lot of stuff going on in the world."

Feeling unsafe, physically, emotionally or both, had a negative impact on other aspects of the lives of the girls surveyed.

"They were more likely to get involved in unsafe activities, drug & alcohol use," Hussey said. "They were quick to undertake coping mechanisms that would isolate them," such as using the Internet or watching TV.

Girls also do less well in school when they don't feel emotionally or physically safe, she said.

The study showed that parents or some other trusted adults were very important to the girls' emotional well-being. Girls who identified themselves as feeling generally safe also could name at least 3 adults that they could trust & turn to.

Of those surveyed, however, 25% said they didn't have 3 adults they had a safe & secure relationship with.

One of the situations in which girls expressed concerns about being teased or bullied was in classroom settings. Hussey said that was certainly something the Girl Scouts could address thru programming.

"We're very much interested in research such as this going from research to action to new activities that will address physical & emotional safety," Hussey said.

(Monica Haynes can be reached at mhaynes@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1660.)

Child Safety

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"Windows of Opportunity"

How do you have serious talks with kids when they're not interested?

If kids really want to be lectured about a sensitive topic, they probably don't need the lecture. Naturally, the topics they don't want to hear about - drugs & alcohol, sex, relationships, body image, behavior problems & health-related issues; are the ones you